


Smoke and Memories

by basilanddill



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Magnus has special powers, characters in mid-twenties, firefighter!Alec, past trauma, psychiatrist!Magnus, slow burn love, they meet on a city bus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-03-21 09:18:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 72,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3686799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/basilanddill/pseuds/basilanddill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec is a firefighter in Firehouse 17 and a chance encounter introduces him to Magnus.  Life for Alec hasn't been smooth and he has a memory that continues to haunt him but Magnus somehow seems to understand and sees the fractures that Alec's been hiding.  Maybe it's Magnus's special ability that helps him truly see or maybe it's that he's never met anyone quite like Alec before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cauldrons and Strangers

“Where is that damn coffee maker,” Alec grumbled to himself as he dug through yet _another_ box. It was 5:30 in the morning, early enough that his brain was groggy, his mind was foggy and all he wanted was a nice hot cup of coffee. It seemed that he found everything _but_ the machine; from expired ketchup packets (that he probably should have thrown out in the move) to an endless array of plastic containers, each missing lids (of course.)

Alec glanced at his watch and cursed under his breath. If he didn’t leave soon he was going to miss his bus and he didn’t want to be known as the candidate that was late for his first day. In a last ditch effort he rummaged through the nearest box, praying that the universe would take some pity on him and just let him find the dumb machine.

Well it seemed like the universe was still asleep.

What Alec’s eyes settled on was something pink at the bottom of the box. This made him curious because Alec knew for sure that this wasn’t his; he made it his life’s mission not to buy anything pink. He pulled it out of the box.

“What the…” Alec stared slack-jawed at the specimen (because really there was no other word for it) that he was holding up.

It was an apron, which is nothing bad, it’s practical, but this _thing_ was anything but practical. On it there was a picture of a handsome man in a chef’s hat bent over a cauldron on the stove. He was winking and the speech bubble above him said, “My cooking is magical.” This was okay, not wearable but tolerable. It was the rest of the apron that had Alec raising his eyebrows in disbelief.

It was glittery.

Not a touch of glitter here and there, no, it looked like a unicorn ate a sparkles factory and then threw up all over it. And the amount of ruffles, well it would make a bridesmaid faint from horror.

_This has to be Isabelle’s doing._

Alec recalled how Isabelle eyes had pretty much danced with mischief as she packed the box. When he asked she simply smirked and said, “Nothing.”

_Nothing my ass…_

Alec shoved the apron back into the box and gave up his hunt for the coffee maker. He grabbed the piece of cold toast out of the toaster, slung his duffel bag over his shoulder and headed towards the door. Another glance at his watch proved that he was cutting it really close. He slipped on his runners and dashed out the door.

Luckily the bus stop wasn’t too far away; just around the corner and a little ways up the street. Alec was just breathing a mental sigh of relief that he hadn’t missed the bus when he heard the familiar rumblings of a diesel engine from up ahead.

_Please let it be just an early garbage truck,_ Alec prayed as he ran to the corner. The tricky thing with this particular bus stop was that the bus turned onto this road from another road that was just beyond the corner. He ran around the corner, his duffel bag thumping against his hip, and saw that the bus had just slowed down at the empty bus stop. Alec waved his hands wildly above his head, he didn’t care if he looked like a lunatic hitchhiker with a duffel bag and a piece of toast still in his mouth.

By some miracle the bus driver saw him in the early morning light and slowed to a stop. When Alec finally caught up with the bus, the doors were already open and a silver haired man behind the wheel was looking at him with a slight smile.

“Ach now, that was a wee bit close, now wasn’t it?”

The man’s kind blue eyes twinkled and his Scottish accent was somehow just right for the misty dawn.

Alec took the piece of toast from his mouth (for he felt like an idiot) and gave the man his own small smile, dipping his head in appreciation. He dug through his bag to find his pass.

“I’m lucky you saw me. Thanks,” Alec said as he held up his pass in the hand that wasn’t holding his toast.

The driver glanced at the pass and nodded, “Ah well why don’t ye go on and take a seat and finish yer breakfast.” The man graced Alec with one more kind glance before he closed the door and turned his attention back to the road.

Alec turned to the rest of the bus and realized that he must be one of the first stops because the bus was empty. He sat down at a window seat, shoved his bag onto his lap and ate the rest of his toast as he watched the houses doused in a few rays of sunlight go by. He was still fairly unfamiliar with the neighbourhood, just finishing the move yesterday.

He shifted and settled and it wasn’t before long before that the soft rumbles and tumbles of the bus hypnotised his eyelids into drooping, seemingly of their own accord. Alec chastised himself again for not finding the coffee maker the night before.                                                     

* * *

His head jerked up when the muscles in his neck completely relaxed. It took him a moment to blink away the confusion and reality had him scrambling to look out the window.

_Oh God, if I missed the stop I’m going to end up ridiculously late and desperately lost. He wasn’t even sure where the bus led, only that it conveniently passed right by the firehouse that was on the outskirts of the city._

Alec almost sang with relief as he took in the trees and shrubs and gardens. They were still in the country. He relaxed back into his seat and breathed a sigh of relief.

That was when Alec noticed, just from the corner of his eye, that the seat beside him wasn’t as empty as it once was.

The person’s scarf spilled over onto Alec’s seat.

It clashed with the abused blue of the seats. Emerald was regal, otherworldly — magical almost — and it didn’t belong among the dust and grime.

He shifted in his thoughts and shifted in his seat and that was when that very special place at the corner of his eye took in more than just the scarf.

That was when he noticed that the person, the man, sitting next to him was turned to him.

Staring at him.

Completely unabashed.

_Oh don’t be crazy, why would he be looking at me for? He’s probably looking out the window. That or I have crumbs all over your face._

Alec rubbed at his mouth and as he did so he heard a breath of laughter from beside him.

Slightly irritated, Alec turned his head towards the man and was about to ask him if there was something he could help him with but his words, along with his dignity, disappeared into the mist.

Alec’s gaze ran down the man’s face and tripped when it landed on his eyes. The man had eyes like he’d never seen before; swirls of green and light brown mixed together, with flakes of gold sprinkled here and there. They were arresting.

Alec was vaguely aware that the corners of the man’s mouth were slowly turning up.

“You know, I heard it’s rude to stare.”

The man’s voice brought him out of his reverie and Alec tore his eyes away from the man’s eyes, but not from his face. He could already feel the embarrassed flush spreading up from his neck.

“I uhh, I was ahhh,” flustered, he tried to think of an excuse, one that would validate why he was staring at the man for Lord only knows how long. What was it about this man that made him feel frazzled, like he had gotten a small electric shock.

_Oh for crap’s sake, stop acting like a teenage school girl. I am a grown man and I can think of a grow man reason for staring at the stranger beside me._

Alec felt like groaning.

The man was still watching him, amusement etched all over his face, challenging Alec to come up with an impossible excuse. The elegant emerald scarf shouldn’t have coupled well with his hair that stuck up but somehow they just complemented each other.

“I was just um, zoned out a bit,” Alec faked a yawn, “just a little tiered.”

By the way the man’s eyes sparkled Alec knew he wasn’t buying any of it.

Alec turned his head to face the front once more and prayed that his stop would be soon. Embarrassment sat between Alec and the man and grinned wickedly over at Alec.

‘You drool, darling,” the man drawled out, still looking at Alec.

Alec sputtered and the man laughed under his breath. The man looked past Alec, out the window.

“Wouldn’t want to miss your stop,” the man jerked his chin at the window.

Alec looked out the window and sure enough, there was the firehouse just a couple meter in from the road. He pushed the button to request the stop.

_Wait, how did he know?_

Alec turned to the man and he must have seen the question on Alec’s face because he just rolled his eyes in response.

“Wild guess,” he said while he stared pointedly at the Stationhouse 17 emblem on his shirt.

The bus was slowing and Alec wondered how he was going to get out. Should he try and bend his way around the man, or was he going to move?

_With my luck the bus will probably come to an abrupt stop just as I’m skirting around this guy and I’ll end up on his lap._

The man might have been thinking along the same lines because he stood up and moved to stand in the aisle, giving Alec a clear path. The bus had almost stopped so Alec grabbed his bag and stood up. He moved out into the aisle and chanced a glance at the man, who was smiling at him as though he held the world’s greatest secret.

“Until tomorrow then.” He just smiled at Alec’s mortified look.

Alec walked to the front of the bus and waited for the doors to open.

He thanked the bus driver, who graced him with a smile.

“Be sure ye enjoy the nice weather we’re havin, won’t last long.”

Alec smiled in agreement. The doors swished open and just before he stepped off, he took one more look back and found the man still standing, the all-knowing smile still plastered on his face.

_It’s been a while since I’ve managed to so acutely embarrass myself. God I hope I never have to see this man again._

But every atom in his body laughed at the lie.

 

    

 

 

 


	2. Blushes and Feels

**Magnus POV**

“It’s too early to be alive,” Magnus muttered to his reflection in the glass of the bus terminal while he flattened out the crinkles in his emerald scarf. Even his hair lacked the energy to stick up the way it usually did. Magnus sighed and turned away from the glass. Even though he complained regularly about the fact that he had to wake up at 5 am for his job, he didn’t mind— that much. Starting work earlier meant that he got to go home earlier too. It was just getting out of bed that was always the hardest.

 _What cruel law of physics makes the bed 10 times more comfortable just as the alarm goes off?_ Magnus always wondered that fact.

Right on time, as it always was, the bus rolled around the corner and headed towards Magnus. The bus stopped and when the doors opened he was greeted by Steven’s familiar cheerful smile. A sense of peaceful happiness washed over Magnus.

_My range must be increasing for Steven. I always had to stand beside him to get a feel._

“Good mornin’ ta ya, Magnus,” Steven lilted out in his dancing Scottish accent that Magnus found so comforting. Steven had been his bus driver every day since he’d started the job at the hospital 7 months ago. He had yet to see him in a bad mood.

“Good morning to you too, Steven, though it might be a little early to deem ‘good,’” Magnus said with a yawn as he swiped his pass.

Steven chuckled quietly to himself, “I think our new addition might be thinkin’ along the same lines,” he nodded toward the only other person on the bus.

Magnus looked back and saw the man. He was sitting beside the window and his head was bent forward in sleep, his black hair covering most of his face.

“That can’t be comfortable,” Magnus mused aloud.

“Aye, that it can’t. Here’s hopin’ he finds himself a nice cuppa tea.” Steven shut the doors.

“Pfft,” Magnus waved his hand in the air, "you’re better than any exotic tea.”

Magnus felt a spike of joy. Steven laughed. “Ya sure know how ta make an ol’ man happy.”

“Old man,” Magnus scoffed as he walked past Steven to take a seat. The bus was empty, he could sit anywhere he wanted, but he had his spot.

Problem was the man was sitting in it.

 _The entire bus is empty, fairly sure you can survive sitting in another seat for one day,_ Magnus sarcastically thought to himself as he tried to ignore the unexplainable compulsion to sit beside the raven-haired man.

He was about to pass by the seat, he really was, but at the last moment he swung himself around and sat down beside the man. He sat down as quietly as he could, not wanting to wake the stranger.

He could have sworn he saw Steven shoot a satisfied smile into the bus’s rear-view mirror.

_Just perfect, all I need now is Steven to start playing cupid._

He turned his head slightly to the window, and then fully when he realized there wasn’t anyone on the bus to judge him for looking. From the side, he was able to see smooth skin, thick eyelashes and high cheekbones. In sleep, the man’s face was relaxed and held a gentleness that tugged at something in Magnus. The man’s default swam around Magnus.

That’s what he called the default feel. The default was the base feel that every person had but it was the hardest to pick out because it was constantly covered by the emotions that the person was feeling at any given moment. The only time the default shone bright was when a person was in a deep dreamless sleep.

It was a very important part of a person, it was almost like the soul’s brother. Shaped by past experiences, it was the compilation of emotions that a person always felt, unaware.

From the man’s default Magnus picked out strands of honesty, vitality and gentleness. What caught Magnus’s attention was an underlying emotion that braided through all the others, such poignant sadness that it had Magnus feeling like an intruder.

He felt ashamed for having the ability to know something so personal without having to even talk with the person. It wasn’t as though he _wanted_ to walk around all the time and know what everyone was feeling. Most times he could tune it out, like the buzz of noise at the mall, but when there was only a limited number of people in his environment it was impossible.

Magnus tried to distract himself by focusing on what he could see about the man. Sometimes when he directed his attention to one sense his ability would fade to the background a little.

He noticed the bag that sat on the man’s lap. He tried to piece together where this man could possibly be heading this early in the morning when he saw the crest on his shirt and it all made sense.

 _Huh, he’s a fireman._ The part of his brain that was responsible for gushing and that universal warm tingly feeling grinned widely. The rational part of his brain thumped the other part upside the head.  

At that moment the bus went over a bump and the man’s head rolled forward completely before snapping up.

Magnus was assaulted by a wave of panic from the man when looked out the window; it was quickly replaced by ease when the stranger relaxed.

Magnus’s breath stuttered when the man looked forward and he got a look at his eyes. They were blue like the deepest part of the Mediterranean, soft like a blanket of clouds and the contrast with his black hair was startling. He knew he was staring, and by the way the man fidgeted Magnus knew the man noticed.

The man dragged a hand across his mouth his eyes still bleary from sleep.

_I wouldn’t mind waking up every morning to his sleepy blue eyes._

Magnus laughed at the irrationality of the thought and placed a wager as to which side of his brain had won. The laugh seemed to provoke something in the man because the next moment those blue eyes were trained on him with an accusing look.

When they locked eyes the accusation in the man’s eyes dissolved and they grew wide.

* * *

All throughout his shift thoughts of the man kept filting across his mind. He thought of the blue eyes on his way to a consult; the way they had grew wide when he had looked at Magnus, as if surprised at his own reaction.

On his lunch break, he remembered the endearing blush that had spilt down the bridge of the stranger’s nose and spread over his cheeks when he had been caught staring.

“What’s going on with you, Magnus,” Tessa asked when they were in their office and she caught Magnus smiling to himself.

Tessa was the other psychiatrist working in the hospital. Well technically she was the only full psychiatrist since Magnus was just a resident, but Tessa trusted Magnus and gave him wide reigns. She was always impressed by the way he could connect to the patients, the way he could draw out the truth and yet still make them feel comfortable.

_Ha, if only she knew…_

His ability made him a pretty good psychiatrist, but it became difficult sometimes to not address things he shouldn’t know.

Magnus blinked and saw Tessa looking at him with a slight smile from across the room, behind her own desk.

He shook his head slowly. “I don’t know,” he replied truthfully, exhaling and smiling dumbfounded at Tessa.

All he knew was that his early morning commute just got way more exciting.    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you don't mind the quick update :D


	3. Broken Glass and Broken Hearts

Alec stepped into the firehouse and breathed it all in: the vitality, urgency and family. He loved being a firefighter, couldn’t imagine being anything else; however the firehouse he had served at back in New York hadn’t left him with glowing reviews.

He took in the ready trucks with their doors open and boots circling them; all ready for the next emergency. It already stirred his blood and the last wisps of grogginess were replaced with an equal mix of excitement and nervousness.

_Please let it not be like the other firehouse_ , Alec prayed as he repositioned the strap of his bag and went in search of the others.

When he opened the door to the lounge he found it alive and animated. Some firefighters were sitting at the table talking over coffee and reading the morning paper, others were standing in a group and laughing over something.

When the door opened they looked over.

“Hey, look it’s our new candidate,” one of the firefighters shouted with a grin.

He made his way over to Alec and pushed his hand out, “I’m Bat, nice to have you on board,” he said while they shook hands.

Alec smiled back, “I’m Alec.”

Introductions were made and hands were shook. A group of them were just about to give him a tour of the firehouse and show him his locker when a man in a different uniform stepped in.

_The chief._

The chief scanned the room and his gaze stopped on Alec. “Can I have a word candidate.”

It wasn’t a question.

“Wow,” whispered the firefighter beside Alec whom he remembered was Jace, “you’ve been here five minutes and you’re already being summoned to the principal’s office.” Alec looked over at Jace and saw the teasing light in his eyes.

Alec followed the chief into his office. The chief closed the door after Alec which made Alec swallow back his nerves. In his experience closed doors never meant anything good.

The chief went behind his desk and reached out his hand to Alec. “I’m Chief Garroway.”

“It’s good to have you here candidate,” he said after Alec introduced himself. He took a seat behind his desk and motioned at the chair in front of his desk. Alec sat down.

“So I hear that you served at Stationhouse 42 back in New York before you moved here?”

Alec nodded. “Yes chief.” Alec squirmed in his seat, dreading the awkward conversation to come.

Garroway eyed his discomfort and looked steadily at Alec.

“I understand Chief Morgenstern took too much of an _interest_ in your personal life.” He paused and Alec was trying to come up with an appropriate reply.

Before Alec could say something the chief continued, “Let me tell you something, candidate. I don’t care if you date armadillos with tusks and giant purple wings, if you’re a good firefighter then you’re one of us.”

Alec was speechless.

“Thank you chief,” Alec finally managed to sputter out when he regained his wits.

The chief shook his head. “You shouldn’t have to be thanking me for this. I’m sorry that your first experience was serving under such a bigoted self-righteous chief.”

There was a knock at the door and a man let himself in. Alec recognized the man as one of the firefighters from the lounge but they hadn’t gotten a chance for introductions.

“Alec,” the chief said, “this is Lieutenant Jordan and he’s the leader of your squad.”

Alec took in Jordan’s muscular build and didn’t doubt for a second that he could probably lift a small car by himself.

“So you’re our rookie then? Well welcome to your second home. I hope you know how to cook,” he rubbed his middle, “because I’m pretty sure my stomach is still trying to identify the concoction that Bat fed us yesterday.”

Alec laughed and opened his mouth to reply when there were two sharp alarm beeps over the system. They went still.

_Ambulance 24, Truck 19, multivehicle collision,_ the voice said over the system.

Jordan pulled lightly on Alec’s jacket and the three of them hurriedly made their way to the truck hall. The squad was there pulling on their gear.

Jordan handed Alec a pair, “Time to see what you can do, rookie.”

* * *

When they arrived on scene they found a car pinned between the truck that had struck it and the rocky cliff that bordered the road. The car was in bad shape. There was a man with blood trickling down his face that was frantically running around the car.

_Must be the truck driver._

Jordan yelled out orders while everyone jumped out of the truck.

The lieutenant motioned for Alec to come with him as they jogged towards the car.

“You stick with me and keep your head. We work as a team here. Have you ever done an extraction before,” he looked at Alec. Alec nodded.

“Good.”

When they got closer to the accident the man came running toward them.

“Oh thank God,” he desperately reached out to Jordan, “my tire…lost control… help them.”

“It’s okay sir,” he handed the man over to another firefighter, “Maia is going to take you to get checked out.”

Maia ushered the man away from the accident.

They jogged over to the car. It wasn’t good. The two sides of the car were squished together unnaturally and the occupants were pinned from both sides. The unconscious driver was bleeding from the neck and the woman in the passenger seat was cradling her wrist that was bent at an odd angle.

‘My little boy, my baby! You need to help our little boy,” she cried hysterically. Jordan headed toward the front of the car.

“You check the back,’ he told Alec.

Alec had to scramble onto the hood of the truck to be able to see into the back. There was no one on the seats but a flash of colour caught his eye. Through the cracked glass he saw a little boy unconscious on the floor of the car.

“I’ve got a boy here,” he yelled at Jordan.  

“Bat, Jace, we need to tow this truck out of here,” Jordan yelled.

Bat hooked one end of a chain to the front of the fire truck and jogged towards them with the other end.

Jordan turned towards the woman passenger. “We found your son, just hold on a little longer and we’ll have you all out of there soon,” he reassured her.

Jordan joined Bat at the front of the truck to help him attach it to a solid piece of the truck.

Alec scrambled off the hood of the truck and landed at the rear of the car. He was about to head towards the front when he smelt something. He sniffed the air and then got down on the ground, hoping that his suspicion was wrong. He pulled himself under the front of the truck and peered under the car, behind the rear wheel.

The gas tank was punctured and the gas was slowly leaking out and pooling under the car.

“You can’t tow the truck,” Alec shouted out as he righted himself. He went to the front of the car and told Jordan and Bat what he found. Just the tiniest spark from a piece of metal dragging on the road could send the car and the passengers up in flames.

Jordan digested this.

“Okay, we’re going to get them out through the front and rear windshields. Bat and Maia get the driver and the woman, Alec and I will take the boy.” He pressed a button on his radio and spoke into it, “Jace and Micah, you two need to douse the car. We have a gas leak here.”

“You got it, Lieutenant,” Micah’s crackling voice came through.

The two groups set to work breaking the glass as the water rained down on them.

* * *

Magnus unlocked his front door, slipped his shoes off, dumped his bag and keys on the kitchen counter and collapsed on the couch. With his head back, eyes closed and feet up he let out the tension he’d been holding for hours.

His afternoon had gone downhill fast.

After lunch he was called to the emergency room for a consult. When he got there the attending doctor had showed him to the patient, explaining along the way.

“She was in a car accident with her parents. Both parents died, one from a broken neck the other from head trauma. It’s a miracle she’s still alive,” the doctor said.

They stopped in front of a closed door.

The doctor looked at Magnus. “She was unconscious when they brought her in so she doesn’t know about her parents yet.”

Magnus’s heart sank.

_The poor girl._

Magnus knew the pain of losing both his parents.   He took a deep breath and steeled himself.  

“What’s her name,” Magnus asked.

“Emma. Emma Carstairs.”

They walked into the room. The girl was lying on the bed; her arm bandaged and bruises all over. Magnus guessed her to be 17. When she saw them come in she tried to get up but stopped, clutching her ribs.

The pain hit Magnus first. But worry, anxiety and confusion weren’t far behind.

“Where are my parents,” she asked the doctor and eyed Magnus wearily.

The doctor went to stand beside her bed.

“I have to tell you something and I’m so sorry that I do,” he said gently.

Dread throbbed through the room.

“We tried everything we could but we weren’t able to save your parents.”

‘No,” Emma breathed out. She shook her head slowly from side to side, unable or just unwilling to comprehend.

“I’m so sorry,” the doctor said softly.

Physically she shut down. She stared forward unseeingly at the white hospital wall.

The raw emotions hit Magnus like a boulder, making his breath catch. Anger at the person who had hit them, at the doctors, at the world. So much pain that Magnus struggled to focus on something else, _anything_ else, to keep his composure.

_How is she keeping such an impassive face?_

The doctor shifted. “This is Dr. Bane,” he said looking at Magnus. “He can listen to you if you want to talk.”

With a glance at Magnus, the doctor quietly left the room.

Magnus approached Emma and sat down in the chair that was sitting beside her bed.

She looked blankly at him. The only windows that showed her turmoil were her eyes.

_So much pain for one so young._

“I’m just going to sit here for a little while,” Magnus said gently. “You don’t need to talk if you don’t want to.”

Emma turned her head and continued looking at the wall.

Magnus just sat there, being assaulted by the girl’s emotions.

* * *

Hours passed in silence.

Magnus wondered if he should try and engage the girl to talk when an out of breath boy showed up at the door.

“Oh God, Emma,” he whispered as he ran to her bed.

The boy brought relief and worry into the room.

He sat down on the side of her bed and grabbed her hand. He looked to be the same age as Emma.

“Julian,” Emma murmured her bottom lip trembling and she bit it furiously.

“I know,’ the boy said smoothing some hair back from her face.

Magnus looked at their intertwined hands and saw that Emma was squeezing Julian’s hand so hard her hand was white. Julian didn’t flinch, he just absorbed her hurt.

Magnus could feel the deep bond that connected the two and as a tear snaked down Emma cheek he knew that right now the boy could do more help than he ever could. He stood up and was about to leave when a nurse came in and looked at Julian.

“I’m afraid visiting hours are over. You can come back tomorrow.”

Julian stood up to protest but Magnus placed a hand on his shoulder.

Magnus looked at the nurse, “He’s family.”

The nurse looked between the boy and the girl and if she didn’t believe it she didn’t say anything. Her eyes softened as she took in the girl. She gave Magnus a nod of understanding and left.

“Thank you,” the boy said to Magnus as he sat down. Magnus gave his shoulder a light squeeze and left the room.

He glanced at his watch and found his shift had ended over two hours ago. As he collected his things from the office he wondered why he did this to himself. He had figured out his ability when he was young, he could have picked a job as a mechanic or something.

Magnus sighed. He knew he would never stop being a psychiatrist. His ability made him able to help others in ways that no one else ever could.

Even if it meant that he went home every day feeling like his insides had been beat up.

 

 

  


	4. Fairies and Concrete

_The fire crackled and popped with force, flexing its muscles as it moved through the house. Standing at the top of the stairs, coughing with stinging, streaming eyes, Alec watched the shadows of the fire casting eerie figures on the wall. It felt like a dream but he knew it wasn’t._

_The smoke was just too thick._

_The sounds were just too real._

_And his heart pounded way too fast._

_He heard shuffling and gagging from behind him and when turned he saw Izzy silhouetted in the smoke as she came closer, arms out-stretched searching for any obstacles in the dark night._

_She grabbed Alec and used him to keep herself upright as another wave of coughing passed through her shaking form._

_She caught his shocked eyes with her own frantic ones.   “He’s not in his room. I can’t find him.” Her grip on his shoulders tightened as she said it out loud._

_Alec’s stomach twisted and tugged and pulled and he was pretty sure he was going to lose his dinner. It was all too much. The house, Izzy, Max…_

_They looked at each other and the panic bounced back and forth between them, gaining speed._

_The sound of something exploding downstairs brought him back into focus and propelled him into action. He gripped Izzy’s arms and pushed her away, towards their parent’s bedroom._

_“You need to get out of here. Use the deck that’s attached to the room.”_

_Even in the haze Alec could see Izzy’s face tighten and he knew his sister well to know that she was going to argue._

_“Izzy, you need to get help. We need help.”_

_“What about—“_

_“I’ll find him.”_

_She hesitated and Alec was worried that she wouldn’t go but finally she nodded and stumbled her way into the smoke towards the room._

_Alec turned back to the stairs as he heard a moan coming from the fiery fog._

Alec awoke and sat up, gasping. He tried to calm his heart, his breath and the fear that was coursing through him. The dream always left him shaking, unable to fall asleep again. He flopped back onto his bed and stared up at the ceiling, his room barely illuminated by the faint moonlight.

He wasn’t sure what triggered the dream. The rescue had been a success yesterday; they had gotten all three of them out fast after they had set to work. The trickiest part was getting the man out. He had a piece of the glass from the side window imbedded in his neck and he was unconscious. They had to get him out the windshield without moving him too much because they weren’t sure if the glass was blocking an artery, preventing him from bleeding out.

Throughout the flurry of activity he had noticed how well the team worked together. They all trusted and believed in each other’s abilities almost as if they had been working together for decades, not months. The unspoken messages that passed between them as they worked left Alec looking at them in admiration, sparking a desire to be part of something so smooth.

_It must have been the boy, though he looked nothing like –._

Alec looked at his alarm and sighed when he registered the time. It was only 4:12, too early to get ready for work but the dream always left him with a restless energy. With a huff, he pulled himself out of bed and blinked against the light of the lamp he turned on. He surveyed his room and set to work unpacking one of the many boxes that cluttered the floor of his room.

* * *

The doors of the bus swung open and the driver’s grin greeted Alec. He was happily surprised that it was the same driver as yesterday. He smiled back slightly.

“Good morning.”

“Nae runnin’ this morn?” The driver shot him a cheeky grin as he closed the doors. Alec grabbed the hand bar behind the driver’s seat as the bus started moving and breathed out a laugh.

“No, not today. I got tired of living on the edge,” he teased back. There was something about the driver that made him so comfortable to talk to, something that surprised even Alec himself.

“Me manners seem ta hae disappeared in me auld age.” He slowed at a vacant stop and scanned the surrounding area to make sure there were no stragglers. “Me name’s Steven.” He sped up, satisfied that he wasn’t leaving anyone behind.

“I’m Alexander, but most people just call me Alec.”

“Well it’s wonderful ta meet ye, Alec. I hae a feelin’ we’ll be seein’ more of each other.”

“Do you work this route most mornings?”

Steven let out a deep chuckle. “Aye, ye could say that. I’ve been doin’ this route for close ta fifteen years.”

Alec’s eyes widened. “Wow. Doesn’t it get boring, driving down the same streets day after day?

“Nae,” he smiled fondly, “I get ta watch the bonnie sunrise ev’ry morn and talk with so many interestin’ people. It cannae get better.”

Alec was still smiling to himself at Steven’s wisdom when he sat down in the same seat as yesterday. As the bus slowed, approaching a stop, he found himself peering through the window. He mentally laughed at himself, at his own ridiculousness. By the third time he caught himself scanning a stop, looking for gold, he grew frustrated and tore his eyes away from the window.

He had always prided himself in being a rational person and rational people don’t hope to see a stranger they had exchanged only a couple words with. He had learned his lesson the hard way; an easy grin and smooth charm had dashed into his life once and it had fractured his world. Never again, he had sworn to himself, never again was he going to let anyone make him feel like that.

_Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice…_

And yet even as the thought was fresh in his mind his eyes registered the new passenger’s raised hair and his traitorous heart gave a lurch.

* * *

 

When Magnus stepped onto the bus he was taken aback by the ball of relief, followed quickly by irritation that attacked him. He looked for the source and was pleasantly surprised that it was the man from yesterday. He could already feel his whole demeanor perk up.

_But why the irritation? He can’t still be frustrated about yesterday; surely he knows I was only teasing. He was such an easy target and quite frankly I’d say anything to see that blush again._

After a few words with Steven, Magnus walked down the aisle and stopped, standing in the aisle beside the man. The man pointedly stared out the window and ignored him and Magnus had to smile because the man was looking at his reflection. When he noticed that they were making eye contact via Magnus’s reflection the man blinked and looked away except there was nowhere else to look; he was boxed in by the two versions of Magnus.

“You’re sitting in my seat.”

The man slowly turned his head and looked at Magnus, as if it was the last thing he wanted to do. He deliberately scanned the empty bus and then raised his eyebrows at Magnus in disbelief.

“You’re joking, right? Look, I’m pretty sure you can find another one.”

Magnus smiled that smile and shook his head slightly, “But I like this one.”

The black haired man huffed in exasperation, grabbed his bag and stood up.

Magnus sat down in the seat beside the man, blocking the exit. The man stared down at him perturbed, clearly not impressed with his antics.

Magnus let out a melodramatic sigh. “Well I guess I could be persuaded to give up my seat.” He bounced a little in his seat. “I quite like the feel of this one,” he looked at the man, “plus the view is exceptional.”

His insides sang in delight when the blush appeared and darkened.

“I meant I could see out the front windshield, gee, what did you think I meant?” Magnus smiled coyly.

The man sputtered a little and then glared at Magnus before turning to look out the window again.

“I’m Magnus by the way. Seeing as how we’re going to be bus-buddies I think introductions are in order. I haven’t had a bus-buddy since elementary school,” he mused. “Ragnor and I would sit backwards and every time the bus would slow or make a stop we would slide further and further into the space between the edge of our seat and the back of the seat in front of us. It was fun until the goof got himself stuck and started crying. It took three of us pulling on various arms and legs to get him out; he wasn’t the slimmest kid you see.” Magnus laughed at the remembered image.

He was fighting it, but in the window Magnus could see the corners of the man’s mouth tugging upwards.

The man turned his head and looked at Magnus. Though his mouth was no longer set in a hard line his eyes were guarded. In the mix of feels, Magnus picked out weariness, suspicion and excitement.

_So many contradictory emotions, what has him so apprehensive?_

“I’m Alec.”

“Alec. Is that short for something?”

“Alexander.”

“Well isn’t that _great_.” Magnus’s eyebrows waggled up and down as he said ‘great.’

“Ha ha,” Alec said sarcastically even while his eyes gained some mirth, “never heard that one before.”

After a moment Magnus asked, “So you’re a firefighter?”

Alec nodded.

“Lots of shift work then. What’s your schedule?”

Alec eyed Magnus distrustfully.

Magnus held up his hands in a ‘don’t shoot me’ way. “Hey I just want to know when my seat’s going to be out of commission.”

Alec digested the validity of the statement. “I’m on a 4 days on 3 days off rotation.”

Magnus nodded. His schedule had been similar when he had first started out at the hospital.

“Come to think of it, what do you do that requires you to be on a bus at 5:30 in the morning?”

“I work in a hospital. I’m a psychiatrist.”

Alec looked at him dubiously.

Magnus sighed. He got this all the time. “I graduated a year early.”

“That’s pretty impressive. Your parents must be proud,” he added teasingly.

Magnus looked forward and his grin faltered.   “I would like to think so. They died when I was young.”

An acute blast of guilt hit him. “I’m so sorry that I—if I’d have known I wouldn’t have—I’m sorry.”

Magnus looked at Alec who was studying his hands in his lap. Shame and sympathy oozed off of him.

_Such an odd combination,_ Magnus thought for not the first time that morning. He bumped his shoulder against Alec who jumped at the sudden contact.

“It’s okay, you didn’t know.”

A few minutes trickled by in comfortable silence only interrupted by the gurgling of the bus and the squeaks of the brakes. Magnus found himself cursing the fact that Alec’s stop was coming up soon. He would have gladly stayed on the bus all day and made random conversation, or sat peacefully in silence beside this boy. The ease at which Alec —this stranger he’s only known for a day– managed to invade his thoughts frightened him; but truth be told the giddy exhilaration was worth it.

When the bus stopped in front of the firehouse he stood up and let Alec out.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he said while smiling his mega-watt smile. “Be safe,” he added softly.

Alec shot him a small smile that didn’t reach his troubled eyes as he turned to walk to the front of the bus.

_One day I’m going to make his face light up with unrestrained laughter; and the sadness he tries so hard to hide will be tempered by gossamer touches and fairy kisses._

* * *

 

Alec pointedly didn’t look back as he got off the bus. Once off, he took a deep breath as the bus pulled away and he replaced the bricks that Magnus had been able to pull free from his defenses. He painted over them with reinforcing concrete because he knew he was in trouble.

_This man has the ability to plant himself deep and then leave, trailing bricks like breadcrumbs from a fairytale._

And that thought scared the crap out of him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Barbeque Sauce and Soot

The following weeks passed quickly for Alec as his life developed somewhat of a routine. He was happy, happier than he had been in a long time and work was a big part of that. When he woke up in the mornings he was actually excited to get to work. This firehouse was just so much better than the one he had worked at in New York that the two experiences weren’t even comparable. Here, they didn’t treat him like some dumb rookie, they treated him as an equal, as a friend. Sure, he’d been stuck on washroom duty for the past couple weeks but that was like a rite of passage.  

It helped that he worked with the same truck every shift, so he worked with the same people. Generally, he’d always been bad with making conversation with strangers. What are you supposed to talk about with a stranger if you have no idea what they like? But with this truck, even though they were strangers, they weren’t at the same time. They put their lives in each other’s hands and that developed a link that very few people experience. They were family, maybe not through blood but through spirit.

Jace especially had become a close friend. Alec couldn’t exactly pinpoint _how_ it happened. Jace was confident, loud and witty; in short, his exact opposite. Somehow it worked.

Alec thought back to particularly tough shift. It was an old abandoned building fire, nobody was supposed to be in there yet they split up and checked the rooms.

Jace and him were checking the rooms in the basement and the building was beginning to groan and rumble. Their radio crackled and the chief spoke.

“Everyone out now. The fire’s escalated and the structure’s unsafe.”

They started to turn around and Alec yelled out once more, “Fire department, call out.”

He heard a whimper.

_Alec turned back to the stairs as he heard a moan coming from the fiery fog._

He snapped out of the memory and looked at Jace. By the look on Jace’s face he knew he hadn’t imagined the sound. He hurried towards the sound, as fast as he could in his heavy equipment.

“Fire department, call out,” Alec yelled as he went farther into the basement. He heard shuffling and Jace was beside him also yelling out.

They heard a shout coming from the second last room. Their radios came to life.

“Jace, Alec get out now,” the chief boomed. They both ignored it.

“Go,” Alec said to Jace, “you can leave, you don’t need to come with me.”

“Now where’s the fun in that? And who do you think is going to save your sorry ass?”

They stepped into the room and they squinted through the smoke, trying to locate the person. A coughing sob came from below a bookcase that had fallen. Jace squatted beside Alec and lifted the bookcase enough for Alec to crouch down and locate the person. It was a girl, maybe 6 years old. She was pinned on her front but when the weight lifted off her she raised her head and saw Alec. Alec was about to tell her not to move when the girl wobbled to her knees and crawled out.

She sprang at Alec, wrapped her tiny arms around his neck, her small legs around his waist and cried into his chest. He wrapped his arms around the shaking girl, curved his body around her and got to his feet just as Jace let the bookcase crash to the ground.

“ALEC, JACE, THIS IS AN ORDER!”

They didn’t take the time to reply. They hurried out of the room, skirted the pipes that were falling and passed support beams that were creaking from strain. They went up the stairs as fast as they could and pushed their way outside.

Alec ripped off his mask with a hand that wasn’t holding onto the girl and gulped down the fresh air. The girl was still holding on to him, squeezing him with considerable force for someone so small.

The others saw them and their stance visibly relaxed. He saw Jordan push out a big breath and close his eyes for a beat too long.  

As he walked towards the ambulance he rubbed the girl’s back lightly. “You’re okay now. These nice people are going to make sure you didn’t get hurt.” Alec tried to pass the girl over to the paramedics but she wouldn’t let go. She looked up at Alec with terrified eyes and Alec could see the trails her tears had left on her sooty face.

_What was she doing in there by herself?_

Alec met the girl’s eyes and held them, let her see his sincerity. “They’re going to take good care of you and make sure you find your family.” He bent over and sat her down on the stretcher. She allowed herself to be placed on the stretcher but her small hand snaked out and grabbed Alec hand.

_“Izzy, you need to get help. We need help.”_

_“What about—“_

_“I’ll find him.”_

He blinked. The paramedic was just putting an oxygen mask on the girl and she took out her stethoscope to listen to her lungs. Alec squeezed the girls hand reassuringly. He looked around and saw that his truck was spraying down the building and slowly starting to regain control of the fire. It wasn’t a high alarm fire; it was just tricky because the building was old and weak to begin with. He spotted Jace sitting on the edge of the fire truck spraying water all over his face.

_God, some water would be nice._   

In the midst of all of them he saw Garroway detangle himself from the others and stride purposefully towards him. Jace hopped down and started walking over. The chief passed by the two of them without stopping.

“A word.”

Jace and Alec looked at each other knowingly. Alec stooped down a little until he was eye level with the girl.

“I’m just going to go over there for a little bit.” He pointed to where the chief was standing. “I’ll be right back.” The girl nodded slowly and let go of his hand reluctantly.

The two of them started walking over and stopped in front of the chief.

“Well, I’m guessing this isn’t a good time to ask for a raise?” Jace’s cheeky grin didn’t fade at the chief’s pointed look.

The chief looked at both of them and took his time in speaking. Alec was about to squirm out of his gear if the chief wasn’t going to say something soon.

“Whose idea was it to disobey a direct order?”

Before Alec could open his mouth to say something Jace said, “It was ours.”

Alec looked questioningly over at Jace and then back at the chief who was watching Alec.

“It was my idea, chief.”

The chief nodded, he already knew somehow.

“Tell me what happened in there.”

Alec told him about hearing a sound, how they had doubled back and found her under the bookcase.

The chief digested this while looking at Alec speculatively.

“What would have happened if the sound had turned into nothing? You didn’t respond on your radios, we didn’t know what was going on. Is there something wrong with them? With _both_ of them?” The chief looked at them, daring them to come up with an excuse.

Alec knew he was right. But he had been scared that the chief was going to tell them to get out. He couldn’t have.  Wouldn’t have.

_“What about—“_

_“I’ll find him.”_

_“I’ll find him.”_

_“I’ll find him.”_

He gave himself a mental shake. The chief was watching him closely.

“The suits don’t make us invincible,” he said, not uncaringly. “You do what you can and get out.” He turned to walk back to the others but before he did he added, “Today was a good day.” They watched him join the others.

Jace slapped his shoulder and passed him the half empty water bottle he’d been holding. “Ah, don’t mind him.” Alec gulped down the water.

“Everyone knows he would have done the same, no questions asked. He just wants to make sure his new candidate doesn’t go and get himself killed. Don’t know what he was worried about; it wasn’t like I was going to let you turn into a human shish kabob.” He shot him a sly grin. “We ran out of barbecue sauce back at the firehouse yesterday.”

Alec snorted as he brought the bottle down from his lips. “Thank God for Bat and his habit of drowning everything in barbeque sauce then.”

Jace laughed as they walked back to the ambulance.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who's been leaving me little comments and all those of you who've left me a kudos. You guys are awesome!! :)


	6. Kindness and Promiscuity

_POUND. POUND. POUND._

_Pain. Worry. Confusion._

_POUND. POUND. POUND._

_Fear. Pain. Heartache._

_POUND. POUND. POUND._

_Pain. Pain. Pain._

Magnus moaned as he leaned forward on the cot and squeezed his head between both his hands. Maybe if he squeezed hard enough there wouldn’t be any space left for the feels. Maybe if he squeezed hard enough this incessant throbbing would go away. Maybe if he squeezed hard enough the whole bloody world would just disappear and leave him the hell alone.

_POUND. POUND. POUND._

Magnus scowled out a breath and looked at the bunk bed that was set up above his head. He half wished one of the legs would just give out and send the whole thing tumbling onto him. Maybe then, in an unconscious state, he’d find relief.

_All in all, it’s adding up to be a pretty fan-friggin’-tastic day._

Even as he thought that he felt guilty and ashamed of himself for being so selfish. He thought of all those children just outside the door in the emergency room who had it way worse than having a supernatural-ability-induced headache. It was the emergency room full of injured kids he was feeling and also the cause of his headache.

A school bus full of fourth graders was on its way to a field trip to a farm in the country when the bus started to slide on the ice and the bus tipped and rolled once to land in the deep county road ditch. All the injured children were brought to the hospital and their emotions stabbed at his brain. It was always louder with the kids, as if their emotions passed through a megaphone before hitting Magnus.

He already had a headache to begin with but upon the arrival of the kids the chaos of all their feels intensified everything to the point where it felt like someone was repeatedly hitting his head with a mallet. Magnus had slipped into the dark and empty on-call room when the light of the hospital was making him feel like his eyeballs were being stabbed with a million toothpicks.

That’s where he sat right then, trying to breathe through the pain; he wasn’t even sure whose pain he was feeling, the headache pain and the pain from the feels flowed together like raindrops sharing the same track down the glass.

He was skirting his duties, he knew that. He should have been circulating in the ER, trying like all the other hospital staff, to create a certain order from the disarray: reuniting parents with children, answering questions and placating those who were worried. Tessa had texted him so many times already, asking for his help, asking where he was, but he didn’t reply back. What would he say? That he was hiding in the dark like some little coward because he was being harassed by other people’s emotions and that he felt like his head would just pop off and roll away at any given moment?

_Yeah, I bet that would be just the reply she’s looking for. I wouldn’t be Magnus Bane the psychiatrist from the residency program, I would be Magnus Bane the loon she once had to mentor who thought he could hear emotions._

Just as he was groaning from the thought the door cracked open and a sliver of light burst free from the hallway and invaded the room. The door opened wider and the sudden light made him wince in pain as the toothpicks resumed acupuncturing his eyeballs.

Magnus squinted, allowing only enough light to make out who was standing in the doorway.

Tessa took in the way that Magnus was peering at her and his curled forward position and took a step into the room and closed the door quietly behind her. She stood there in the dark for a moment, letting her eyes acclimate to the darkness before she walked silently over to the cot Magnus was sitting on and sat down beside him. She shifted her body so she was facing him.

‘Magnus,” she whispered, “what are you doing here?”

Magnus thanked his lucky stars that she decided to whisper and not talk in a normal voice, though by now any other resident psychiatrist would have been yelling at him for his disappearing act.

“Oh you know,” Magnus whispered back, trying to fit in as much nonchalance as possible, “hunting for pixies and dust bunnies.” The hitch in his breath that leaked through near the end of his statement vanquished any hopes of appearing at ease.

Magnus felt Tessa lean in closer and add a fresh dose of concern and kindness to the soup of feels that was already bubbling inside of him.

_Or maybe it’s a feel from one of the people passing by in the hallway. Who knows?_

Everything was running together, confusing him and making his head hurt even more.

“What’s wrong,” she asked in a soft whisper, somehow understanding that a whisper was all he could handle “I’ve been trying to reach you for a while now. I was starting to get worried when you didn’t reply.” Magnus didn’t need light to know that her eyebrows were slightly raised from concern and that she was regarding him with her big, grey, always patient eyes. She was one of those people who found joy in erasing other people’s hurt and she did so every chance she got. He felt that from her every day. She was one of the good ones.

Magnus sighed. “I’m sorry, I know how busy and crazy things are out there and I got your texts, I just, I couldn’t reply.” Bent over as he was, with his elbows resting on his knees, he looked at the ground and tried to separate each individual tile in the dark. Tessa shifted closer to him, as if by just being near him she could piece together what he wasn’t saying.

“Why couldn’t you reply,” she asked in a murmur.

Magnus took in a breath to try and steady his thoughts and told her the truth, or part of it anyway. “I feel like a whole team of players are using my head as a basketball – a basketball that might relieve his stomach of its contents if he sees any sort of light.”

There was a shot of sympathy that must have come from Tessa. ‘Oh Magnus,” she whispered understandingly, rubbing slow, soothing circles on his back. Magnus was once again taken aback by her kindness; had it been any other psychiatrist, they would have been shouting at him to toughen up and dragging him out of the room by his ear. He realized, for probably the millionth time, how lucky he was to have gotten Dr. Gray as his attending psychiatrist.

“Go home, there’s no point in you torturing yourself here with all this noise.”

_Haha, if she only knew how spot on she is about the ‘noise.’_

He would have liked nothing better than to go home, glue the blinds shut and curl up in the warmth and silence of his bed but he couldn’t leave.

“I can’t,” Magnus replied. “If Camille sees me leave before my shift is done she’s going to kick me out of the residency program and we both know she’s got eyes everywhere.” Camille was the chief at the hospital and when someone looks the way she does it’s easy to sweet-talk information out of any man. Sweet-talk wasn’t the only thing she did; let’s just say that almost every male hospital worker would flush a little or puff out his chest at the mention of her name.

Tessa patted his back. “You just let me deal with Her Highness.” Magnus was surprised at the unfamiliar cold steel in her voice and the stab of anger. Even still, this was like pitting a tiny, fluffy, innocent cat against a vicious, loud and hunger-crazy bear.

Magnus turned his head and looked at where he believed Tessa’s head would be. “I don’t want you to get in trouble with her because of me, we both know what she’s capable of when she’s in one of her moods.” What he didn’t say out loud was that she was _always_ in a mood. Since he’s started working at the hospital seven months ago he’s seen a ridiculous amount of people – good, hardworking people – get fired by Camille. If someone didn’t do her bidding they’d be cleaning out their lockers by the next morning. No one could complain to those higher up on the food chain either because Camille managed to collect some sort of dirt on everyone. Dirt that would look particularly unfavourable under the light.

“Just let her try,” she said in that same surprisingly cold manner, “I welcome the opportunity to put her in her place. I see what she does – everyone does – she shouldn’t be able to get away with it. Do you know she even tried to pressure Dr. Car–, well never mind that,” she sighed out her irritation and her voice returned to being the same kind voice she usually used. “Just go home and feel better by next shift, which is not tomorrow but the day after tomorrow, okay?”   

Magnus wasn’t surprised that he found yet another person that disliked Camille but the fact that it was Tessa that held so much venom towards her made him raise an eyebrow, you know, metaphorically speaking. He wondered what Camille had done to Tessa to garner the wrath of one so gentle and helping. It probably had something to do with the ER doctor Dr. Carstairs and whatever she had stopped herself from venting out. Anyone who spent two minutes in their company knew that they were sweet on each other and if Camille had made advances on Jem then no wonder Tessa was up in arms. Hell, he’d stand right beside Tessa if she decided to go head to head with Camille.

But not today. Right now he just wanted to make it home in one piece and lock the whole ruddy world away.

He stood up and squeezed his eyes together in protest when the drumbeat started up again at full force in his head. Tessa also stood up and put a sympathetic hand on his arm.

“Thanks Tessa. Honestly you’re probably the kindest person I’ve had the honour of knowing, much too kind to be working under someone like Camille.” He paused and wasn’t sure if he should continue, but then he thought if the situation were reversed he’d like it if she said it to him. “You shouldn’t worry about Dr. Carstairs, any fool can tell that he’s only got eyes for you.” At that Magnus felt Tessa’s embarrassment but also her giddy happiness and her gratefulness for him saying that.

“Go home, Magnus,” she whispered with an undisguisable smile in her voice.

Magnus made a beeline for the office, grabbed his bag and left the hospital while trying to avoid as many people as he could. When he stepped outside he almost cried out at the brightness, automatic tears blurring his vision but doing nothing to dilute the pain. He cursed himself because he hadn’t packed his sunglasses into his workbag. His only saving grace was that the closer he got to the bus stop the more the feels from the ER faded and the more relief he found, though the throbbing headache and the subsequent nausea didn’t fade in the least. As Magnus sat on the vacant bench in the bus stop he was thankful that it was only 1:00 so rush hour traffic hadn’t started up yet. Less people on the bus meant less feels which at the moment was a very welcomed thing indeed.

After about 15 minutes, which Magnus spent fantasizing and dreaming about his comfortable bed and his plush pillow, the bus arrived. His previous guesstimation had proven correct – the bus was almost empty. He chose a seat closer to the front and sat beside the window. The driver vehemently stepped onto the gas and the bus lurched forward. The bus wasn’t the only thing that did. At the sudden and jerky movement Magnus’s stomach protested so loud that for one panicky moment he was sure that he was going to throw up all over the seat in front of him. It was only sheer will and his mortification at such a public embarrassment that kept his breakfast in its proper resting place.

He tried to convince himself that the lurch was a one-time thing but as the bus blended in with the other vehicles he soon discovered that that was just the way the driver drove. Of course.

So as the driver alternated between pushing on the gas, making them fly backwards and pressing on the brakes, making them crash forward, Magnus focused on anything but this incessant rocking motion. He tried bracing himself on the seat that was in front of him but that proved to be futile. He even contemplated getting off and catching the next bus but he wasn’t sure how long it would be until the next bus and he just really wanted to get home.

He took deep breaths. Focused on his breathing and tried to ignore the headache and the nausea. With his long inhale he focused on his ribs expanding and with his drawn-out exhale he pictured himself blowing all the nausea out in his breath. Still focusing on his breathing he closed his eyes and leaned his cheek against the window. The cool glass felt fabulous against his hot, sweaty face. With the next inhale he pictured himself drawing in some of this coolness into his lungs and with the exhale he imagined the fog that his breath was creating on the window.

Magnus got into a rhythm and was barely managing to hold it together. He was dancing on the side of a cliff on his toes. Every time the driver violently braked for a stop he could feel himself sliding away from the fine balance. He was counting down the stops.

_Seventeen more stops. But oh God,_ Magnus wept internally at a realization, _there's a road we have to go down that has at least 12 traffic lights. Ah well, maybe I can make a quick enough dash to the garbage can beside the driver if it comes to that._

With all the lamenting and the breathing he didn’t notice Alec get on.

He didn’t notice Alec turn to start walking up the aisle and startle a bit at the surprise of seeing Magnus on the bus so early in the afternoon.

He didn’t notice Alec’s gaze raking over his face and Alec’s face pinching in concern at Magnus’s pale appearance.

He didn’t notice Alec wonder why Magnus was doing what can only be called yoga breathing.

He definitely didn’t notice when Alec sat down in the seat next to him and took in his sweaty face and tightly shut eyes.

If he would have paid attention to the feels around him instead of his breathing he would have felt the tiny bloom of unease and tenderness, but he didn’t notice.

He noticed when Alec placed a hesitant hand on his arm making him jump in surprise and making Alec quickly withdraw his hand.

“Magnus, are you – are you feeling okay?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Green and Red Lights

He noticed when Alec placed a hesitant hand on his arm making him jump in surprise and making Alec quickly withdraw his hand.

“Magnus, are you – are you feeling okay?”

Magnus laughed mentally. _Of course I run into him on the day I feel like something ran me over, when he has a 97% chance of being covered in my breakfast. Of course._ He sighed mentally. _I never can get a break._

They saw each other on the bus almost every day – well the days that both of them were working. They talked about mundane things but when Magnus tried to steer the conversation towards something more personal Alec would either clam up or evade the question. He was a champion evader and sometimes Magnus wouldn’t even notice when Alec turned the questioning back on him. _The sneaky little bugger._ They’d been doing this dance for many weeks now and Magnus had yet to learn the steps, but he enjoyed every twist and turn and he began to learn when he was stepping on Alec’s toes. He learned that when he acted extra charming Alec would lock up tight, like a house being boarded up before a hurricane.

Magnus looked at Alec through squinted eyes. “I’m just peachy,” he said and tried for a light tone but the pain tightened his voice and it ended up sounding more like a raspy zombie than anything. _Oh yeah, this is real attractive..._ _real convincing material._

He felt the pity from Alec worm into him and settle behind his ribcage, pulling them together and tightening his lungs. He pushed and kicked against the feel. He didn’t need or want pity from Alec; he could take care of himself just fine. Magnus learned when he was young, after the death of his parents, that pity did not mean the person cared. It only meant that the person felt bad for a passing moment but at the same time a tiny part of them was glad that they weren’t in the same position. It was an ugly emotion to feel.

Magnus was so caught up in his thoughts that for a moment he didn’t feel the new, stronger feel that had slowly seeped into his heart and entered his bloodstream to circulate throughout his body. A calm that didn’t originate from him smoothed out his thoughts, folded the frustrated ones neatly and put them away. It was then that he noticed the warmth that was spreading through his body starting from his core. It was like warm liquid gold; precious and rare. The calm and the warmth bore the signature of one emotion: gentleness.  Magnus looked at Alec in questioning awe.

“Um, are you sure,” Alec asked oblivious to Magnus’s look, “because you look more like um a green pea.”

Magnus stared at Alec in wonder as he focused on the warmth that was spreading through his body. It felt like someone was hugging him for the inside out and for a moment it even seemed to lessen the throbbing in his head. It was so unexpected and just felt so _damn_ good that to his horror he felt close to tears. _Ah God,_ the rational side of his mind fretted, _all we need is for you to start blubbering like a fool to round out the day._

Alec of course noticed that Magnus’s gaze was locked on him but when he looked closer Magnus’s eyes held a faraway, unseeing look; like he was blocking out all his other senses to hear a faint noise. It brought back a sense of déjà vu and reminded him of their first meet on the bus. _Really, we’re back to his again,_ Alec thought with a resigned sigh.

“What,” Alec asked after Magnus still hadn’t said anything. _Maybe he really doesn’t like peas,_ a distant voice thought but Alec highly doubted that Magnus’s trance was due to vegetables.

Just then the bus made a sharp stop that caused Magnus to fly forward and put out a hand to brace himself. He closed his eyes and let out a low groan as his other hand encircled his middle and he took a couple deep breaths. Alec’s hands fluttered around Magnus, unsure of what to do and how to help.

_Oh no, he does look like he’s going to throw up any second,_ Alec thought in dawning horror.

_Aw hell, I think I’m going to throw up,_ Magnus thought alarmed. _No, no, no, NO,_ Magnus thought determinedly, _I am NOT going to throw up all over the guy I’ve had a crush on for more than a month now._ Magnus focused on finding some calm and breathed a little more. He heard Alec ask,

“What’s going on?”

He told him the truth – well almost all the truth. He didn’t see any reason to tell Alec that he’s a crazy eavesdropper that can hear and feel other’s emotions.

Alec was sympathetic. “So that’s why you’re on the bus so early, because Tessa sent you home.”

“Yeah, although she’s probably going to be wishing she did otherwise when Camille finds out,” Magnus mumbled.

“Camille,” Alec asked.

“Oh she’s just your usual power hungry, vengeful, appears-to-be-a-goddess-but-is-really-the-devil-in-disguise chief of the hospital who’s slept with three quarters of our male staff and blackmailed the other quarter for _not_ doing the deed with her.”

Magnus felt Alec’s disbelief at the description. “Well, she sounds...errr...interesting.”

Magnus had to chuckle slightly at that, “Somehow ‘interesting’ doesn’t quite cover it.”

A moment passed in amicable silence while the bus turned a corner and they swayed with the movement.

“So...um,” Alec started reluctantly,” what quarter do you belong to?”

“Quarter?” Magnus turned and looked over at Alec in confusion.

“You know,” Alec said, clearly uncomfortable and looking like he regretted bringing it up in the first place, “you said one quarter of the staff was being blackmailed while the other three quarters were...” He raised his eyebrows to fill in the blank.

Under other circumstances Magnus would have let out a hearty laugh. A snicker peeked through when he answered, “I guess I’m excluded from the count because she knows her womanly wiles won’t work on me.”

Magnus could have sworn that the corners of Alec’s mouth twitched upwards for a fraction of a second and his suspicions were confirmed when he felt a wave of satisfaction.

_So he was fishing for clues,_ Magnus thought.

Whatever response Magnus was going to say was swallowed when the driver sped up at the yellow light, thinking he could make it through, and then stomped on the brakes when the light turned red.

_I miss Steven,_ Magnus thought for not the first time that ride while Alec and he got thrown into the seat in front of them. His stomach gave a violent spasm and he felt the burn of the stomach acid in his throat.

“You’re okay,” Alec murmured, “you’re almost home.”

What Alec failed to voice was that they’d just turned onto the Street Made by the Devil, aka the road with the million stop lights. Magnus braced himself for it and said, “Alec could you just talk, I wouldn’t mind a little distraction right now. What were you doing in town today?”

Alec didn’t expect the questioning but he could hardly refuse. “Oh um, I haven’t really done any exploring since I’ve moved here. I finally unpacked all the boxes and I figured it was time to see what’s in the area.”

Magnus winced as they stopped at the next light and Alec quickly carried on. “My sister is on her break from school and she said she wants to come up and visit me, see my new house and all. I went into town to find some extra towels and sheets and stuff.”

“What school does your sister go to,” Magnus asked painfully

“Oh Isabelle, she goes to the New York School of Interior Design. You could never tell by the way her room looked when we were growing up that she has an eye for that sort of thing,” Alec said with amusement.

Even in his state, Magnus could feel the strong love that Alec held for his sister. He peeked over at Alec and saw the fondness in his face when he spoke of his sister. Magnus’s eyes swept the floor of the bus around Alec’s feet. “Did you find what you were looking for; I can’t help but notice your lack of bags.”

They breezed through two more lights.

“Ah... umm, well,” a pang of embarrassment nudged against Magnus, “I never actually made it to any store. There was construction around the shopping district and the bus took a detour and let us out beyond the construction zone. I...ahh...I asked the driver what bus I should take to get close to the store and he said the 15.”

Magnus frowned slightly to himself. He didn’t remember the 15 going anywhere near the mall.

“So I got on the 15 and...ummm...rode it until the last stop but it never went by the shops. The bus stayed on a one-way street so I couldn’t even get off because I would have been stranded on the world’s longest one-way street.” Alec laughed a little at himself.

Magnus’s heart smiled. _I love those who can laugh at their own bumbles._

Alec continued, oblivious to Magnus’s internal delight. “I stayed on the bus and when I spoke with the driver he said that if I stayed on the bus he would be heading back to the same stop where he picked me up from almost an hour ago. Long story short, two hours later, I got back to where I started from and now I know that I was supposed to have taken the 50, not the 15.”

The bus stopped at the next light and Magnus waited for his stomach to settle some before he asked, “So in the end you didn’t go to the mall?”

“No, I had enough adventure for one day. With my luck the 50 would have broken down and I would have been stuck in the middle of nowhere. I’ll probably try again tomorrow.”

Magnus thought about it. _I have a day off tomorrow too..._

“Why don’t we go together? I can show you around the city a little and I know where all the great deals are. I wouldn’t want you to get stuck on another one-way street, there are quite a few downtown you know,” he said in the most teasing tone he could muster.

Alec was surprised at the offer. _Why would he want to spend his day off playing tour guide to a random guy from the bus? ‘Maybe he likes you,’_ one side of Alec thought, ‘ _Oh yeah, sure,’_ the other side of Alec snorted sarcastically. _He probably just feels bad for me and wants to make sure the poor fool doesn’t get lost again,_ Alec thought logically.

Magnus took in the way that Alec drew the shutters around him and withdrew on himself. Magnus tried to match it up with the mix of feels he was feeling: surprise, delight and the resignation that Alec settled on. There were enough feels mixed into the brief moment that it made Magnus’s head throb in protest once more.

_Why can’t he allow himself to feel what he wants to feel? Why is he at war with himself?_

You’d think that being able to feel other people’s emotions would make people’s actions crystal clear but Magnus found that it usually just resulted in more questions.

“You don’t have to,” Alec replied diplomatically. “It’s your day off, you don’t want to be dragged from store to store looking for fluffy towels. I’m sure I’ll get on the right bus tomorrow.” Alec forced a smile.

Magnus dealt with the pain of the sudden light and opened his eyes fully to look at Alec. He took in the determined set of Alec’s eyebrows, the way his eyes shone blue and true, the honest set of his nose and the hidden thoughts and desires the shape of his mouth prevented him from speaking.

“What if I want to,” Magnus whispered.

Alec started. It both infuriated and saddened Magnus to see that Alec –so honest, caring and loyal– would be surprised that someone wanted to willingly spend time with him. Magnus wanted to hunt down the person who made Alec think like that –because make no mistake, this was someone’s doing– and give him a good punch and a kick to boot.

Alec was looking at Magnus suspiciously but Magnus could feel tendrils of delight and excitement that Alec fought to hide from himself.

“Well, if you’re sure...”Alec said hesitantly, giving Magnus time to withdraw his offer.

The bus sped through a yellow light and careened around a corner to turn onto another street. When they settled and the threat from his stomach lessened Magnus stuck out his hand, “Give me your phone.”

Alec pulled his phone from his pocket and handed it over to Magnus. Magnus programmed his name and number into Alec’s contacts and sent himself a text from Alec’s phone.

“There,” Magnus said and gave Alec his phone back, “now we have each other’s number.”

“Oh okay,” Alec said, “but what if you don’t feel better by tomorrow?”

“I think I just need to go home, have good sleep and this’ll pass.” Magnus was glad that they were almost at his stop. His fuzzy, purple duck pyjamas awaited him along with a nice hot mug of fennel tea that had his name all over it.

He once again shook hands with concern as Alec looked at him. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay by yourself –I mean _if_ you’re by yourself, not that I’m implying anything by saying that you’re by yourself– _Shut up Alec,_ his mind moaned at him.

Magnus interrupted Alec, “I’m not alone.”

Alec visibly deflated.

_Well of course he’s not, what did you think,_ Alec’s mind asked sneeringly.

“I have a cat,” Magnus said as the bus stopped at his stop. Alec perked up. “His name’s Chairman Meow and he’s not a big fan of the human species in general, but he likes me...I wonder what that means.”

Alec moved to stand in the aisle to let Magnus out. Magnus stood up, grabbed his bag and paused when he was standing beside Alec.

“Thank you for the offer though,” he said softly.

Alec blushed but he didn’t look away. Magnus took that to be progress. Who would have guessed that the ingredients to make Alec talk were nausea, a horrible driver and a terribly designed street?

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Alec nodded. Magnus sent him a weak, nauseous smile before he turned and walked to the front to get off.

Alec sat back down and tried to sort through the whirlwind that had happened in the span of half an hour.

_Did Magnus just ask me out on a date? Could it even be called a date? They were going to buy bed sheets and pillow cases; nothing terribly romantic._

Even so, Alec sat on the stained, blue bus seat as the bus lurched forward – _By the Angel, this bus driver truly is terrible –_ and he couldn’t erase the excited anticipation for tomorrow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, you guys are fabulous with all the comments and kudos! :D


	8. Cotton and Wasabi

Magnus woke up slowly and snuggled deeper into his soft comforter, relishing the warm feeling and knowing that he didn’t have to hear his alarm that morning. With his eyes still closed, he let his mind wake up and only when he was a little more conscious did he realize that he felt good, really good. His headache was gone and so was his nausea. He felt refreshed and rested. He opened his eyes and took in the darkness of his room and when he turned his head to look out his window he saw that it was charcoal outside.

He looked at his alarm clock out of curiosity and he wasn’t too surprised when he saw that it was only 3:04 am. He crossed his arm and rested the back of his wrist on his forehead and looked at the ceiling, wide awake.

When he’d stumbled home yesterday after getting off the bus he’d dropped his bag in the entrance beside the shoes he’d kicked off and made a beeline for the medicine cabinet. After knocking back 2 Advils and a good mouthful of Pepto Bismol he stripped off his work clothes, put on his fuzzy duck pyjamas and crawled into the comforts of his bed; completely dead to the world.

Magnus did the mental math. He remembered getting off the bus at 2:30 because the time was displayed beside the name of the stop and it was now 3:00. He’d gotten twelve hours of sleep.

_Twelve hours?! Well no wonder I woke up._ _I don’t think I’ve ever slept for twelve hours straight._

He soon became aware of another fact that proved that he’d been asleep for half a day. He got out of bed and, not wanting to turn on the light, he patted and danced (when the need became urgent) his way through the hall to the bathroom.

Sighing in relief, he made his way back to his room and only then did he see that his cell phone was blinking blue. He grabbed it off his bedside and sat back down on his bed, leaning against the headboard. It was a text from Alec.

**_Hi Magnus, I just wanted to see how you’re feeling. Also it’s ok if you’re not feeling up to going shopping tomorrow._ **

Magnus shook his head slightly with a small smile on his face. _He’s still trying to give me an out. As if I’d take it, it only took me a whole_ month _to get him semi-comfortable in talking with me,_ Magnus thought sarcastically.

Magnus started to text back an answer but then paused before he pressed send. It was 3 in the morning; he didn’t want to be the jerk that woke someone up at such an insane hour. In the end Magnus figured that it wasn’t as if Alec had glued himself to his phone. He hit send.

* * *

Alec was roused by a sound that his drowsy brain couldn’t place. He cracked open an eye and saw that there was some artificial light coming from the chest at the foot of his bed. With a sleepy moan of protest he fumbled to the end of the bed on his stomach and with his head still buried in the covers he patted the top of the chest blindly. He stopped when his hand connected with his phone.

_Who the_ hell _is texting me at this hour? I swear if it’s Jace texting to ask me what tattoo he should get again I’m going to tell him to get a teddy bear tattooed to his butt._

Grumbling and squinting against the brightness of his phone he saw that the text wasn’t from Jace but from Magnus. His sleepiness vanished and he found himself hesitating to open the text. He didn’t want to see the excuse that was going to be glaring mockingly up at him. Alec had learned long ago that the best thing to do was not plan ahead. Tell yourself that something was going to be bad and then surprise yourself when it turns out to be not as bad you assumed. He didn’t allow himself to think how good something could be because wouldn’t it just hurt more in the end?

But yesterday, on the bus, for one fraction of a moment –for one glorious daydream– he’d broken his own rules. He’d allowed himself to hope.

With a steadying breath he clicked on Magnus’s text.

**_I’m feeling better than ever, I guess sleeping away half a day does that to a man. I’ll see you later today, just text me when you’re heading out and I’ll meet you at the bus stop on the edge of the construction zone. Oh and P.S., just for future reference, you can’t get rid of me that easily. :-)_ **

Alec was grinning when he put the phone on his nightstand and a ghost of a smile was still playing upon his lips as he fell back asleep.

* * *

Magnus pushed himself off the side of the bus terminal when he saw Alec jogging towards him.

“Sorry,” Alec said breathlessly as he reached Magnus, “I hope you weren’t waiting long.” He sucked in a big breath.

“What, did you get on the wrong bus again,” Magnus asked teasingly.

“No,” Alec exhaled a laugh on his breath, “nothing that exciting. I just couldn’t find my wallet.”

“Well the next 50 is going to be coming in about five minutes so you’re just in time.”

They turned and walked slowly towards the bus terminal that the bus would be stopping at.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” Alec said to break the silence. Magnus was perfectly at ease but he could feel the anxiety that was rubbing elbows with Alec. “You didn’t look too good yesterday; you kind of matched your emerald scarf actually.”

Magnus laughed, hoping that if he showed that he was comfortable Alec would follow suit. “I think it was sheer will power alone that got me home. That bus driver...”

“Was something special,” Alec finished without thinking.

They both laughed at that and Magnus could feel the anxiety unfurling its clasp on Alec and start to dissipate. Magnus noticed that as Alec relaxed everything about him became more fluid – his words, his movements, even his expressions. Alec was still very conscious and careful with what he said but it was as if there were fewer checkpoints that his ideas had to pass through before they could be said out loud.

Even as Magnus happily took notice of the slight changes Alec in the meantime tried to work through his surprise. Alec knew himself and he knew that his awkwardness made him seem aloof and uncaring but the few people who were closest to him knew this wasn’t true. With those handful of people Alec didn’t have to sensor things, not too much at least. He didn’t have to be constantly thinking – thinking about what he said, what he should say, how people would react, what people wanted to hear and what people were thinking about him. He was constantly thinking and it was so tiring. Some days it seemed like Isabelle was the only one who really understood all the thinking that went on inside him; she understood without him ever having said anything.

With Magnus right then, he felt as if he understood too. There were so many times on the bus when he would look over and catch Magnus looking at him with a look on his face, as if he was delving beyond the epithelium, past the muscles, through the bone and into his soul. Sometimes it even felt as if he knew what he was thinking – what he wasn’t saying. There was no way to describe it and it made Alec cringe to think that his face was so obvious that Magnus could effortlessly read him. Somehow Magnus just seemed to know and some days, even though they barely exchanged a couple words, it was like they traded volumes. Magnus would look over at him with that look and his eyes would reassuringly say, “I know, it’s okay if you can’t say it. I understand.” When Alec would see this look it unnerved him at first but then afterwards it was as if he was replying back to Magnus, saying, “Really? Do you really understand?” Alec knew it was all just foolish thinking, probably as a result of too much time spent living inside his head, but it calmed him.

For some reason this witty, outgoing _handsome_ man who was willing to spend is free day roaming the city looking for bed spreads and hand towels understood him and that calmed him.

“Alec.”

“Alec.”

“Alec?”

Alec was pulled from his thoughts by the sound of his name.

Magnus was looking at him questioningly with his mouth pulled into a half smile. “Can you sleep with your eyes open or what? You’ll have to teach me that trick sometime.”

Alec shook his head bashfully. “Sorry, I guess my mind wandered away from me. Were you saying something?”

“Well right before you zonked out I was asking when your sister was going to arrive.”

“Oh, she said that she was going to take a plane to Denver International and be here on the 15th. I’m meeting her at the airport at 2:30 and we’ll bus back to my place. It’s lucky that I have that day off,” Alec added as an afterthought.

“Six days away, you must be so excited. When did you see her last,” Magus asked.

“Right before I moved away. I haven’t seen her since but we talk and Skype a lot. She’s kind of like a mother hen, except for that fact that her cooking could probably kill an entire nation,” Alec said. Magnus started to laugh at the description. “I’m not joking,” Alec said with wide eyes and Magnus laughed even harder at the horrified look on Alec’s face.

“When we were little we played house and she was the ‘mom’ so she made us a soup for dinner. When she gave us our plates she was so proud of herself but we took one look at this _thing_ she made and almost ran away. There were ragged chunks of raw potato, entire tomatoes bobbing around and the odd baby carrot. To top it all off she added a huge scoop of cucumber relish into the middle and squirted ketchup on top of the relish. We tried to feed it to the cat but even the cat wouldn’t eat it.” Alec laughed along with Magnus and felt a spark of self-satisfaction that he was making Magnus laugh.

Magnus was wiping his tears of laughter away when he offhandedly asked, “Do you have any other siblings?”

Magnus was completely unprepared for what happened. It felt as though someone reached into his chest, grabbed his lungs and squeezed as hard as they could. All the breath whooshed out of him and he was left like that, unable to breath. This grief that punched and clawed at him was raw and open and it reminded Magnus of the undercurrent of sadness that he had picked up on in Alec’s default the first time they met. Where the sadness in Alec’s default was a drop of water, the grief that tore at both of them now was an ocean – an ocean that came crashing down again and again, relentlessly and uncaringly.

Magnus put an instinctive hand to his throat as he struggled to breathe.   The motion must have caught Alec’s attention because the sadness lessened its grip on them both and confusion wormed its way in. Magnus inhaled like he’s just finished a sprint, like he’d just surfaced after diving into the water, like he’d just heard some terrible news.

Magnus looked at Alec in shock. He felt the mosaic of emotions that equated to grief at the hospital every day, that didn’t mean he became immune to it. Alec’s grief felt different to him and it wasn’t just because he knew Alec. The percentages for each emotion that made up grief were startlingly different. For most people grief was comprised mostly of sadness and loss with anger, frustration and denial acting as secondary emotions.

For Alec, those emotions were all there but it wasn’t sadness that dominated, it was guilt.

“Are you okay,” Alec asked, looking at Magnus with confusion that was laced with just a trace of suspicion.

“Yeah, I,” Magnus patted just below his rib cage for show, “I felt a hiccup coming on but I was trying to suppress it. I guess it comes out weird if you do that.” He forced himself to smile what he hoped looked like an embarrassed smile. Alec looked at him skeptically.

Magnus saw the 50 bus pull up behind Alec and he pointed to it with his chin. Alec turned and they both walked towards the bus, each looking for their bus passes. Magnus didn’t miss the sidelong glances Alec was shooting him.

As they boarded the bus and took their seats, Alec didn’t bring up Magnus’s weird reaction and Magnus didn’t point out that he’d left the question unanswered.

* * *

“Magnus,” Alec said exasperatedly, “this one is fine.” Alec was holding up a package that held a matching ensemble of pillowcases, a bed sheet and a duvet cover.

“No, it’s not. It’s synthetic, not cotton. You want to buy cotton so it’ll be durable and the colours won’t fade in the wash. You don’t want to do this again a couple months from now,” Magnus explained.

“No, definitely not,” Alec said, only half teasingly.

Magnus sent him a look over his shoulder as he walked towards another display shelf. “I’ll try not to take that personally,” he said with his eyes crinkling into a smile, even while the smile hadn’t travelled as far down as his mouth.

“No, it’s not that,” Alec followed hurriedly. “It’s just shopping,” Alec said, and to Magnus’s amusement Alec did something that could only be described as a shudder of loathing. “You can never find what you’re looking for and it takes hours just to find something that decently resembles what you need. I just really, _really_ don’t like to shop.”

“I’m starting to see that,” Magnus teased while looking through various beddings.

They’d been shopping for what seemed like a week, going from one store to the next, comparing this fabric to another, looking at this colour versus that colour. Alec was glad that Magnus had come because it was obvious that he had way more expertise when it came to this sort of thing.   They’d bought pale Easter coloured hand, face and full size towels. “So they don’t stain other things in the wash,” Magnus had explained when Alec asked about the colours.

Next they bought cleaning supplies so that Alec could give the house a good scrub down before Isabelle arrived. Then they went and bought some kitchen items so that he’d have more than just one old, dented frying pan and a pot without a handle lying around. They went about and bought the odd things that Alec needed and the bed sheets where the only things left to be crossed off the list.

Magnus finally settled on bed spreads that were 100% cotton and had a pale striped pattern running along them. With Alec’s approval (he would have approved just about anything by that point), they headed towards the checkout line with their hands full of bags.

Alec laughed softly to himself as they stood in line. _The contrast between Magnus and me is almost comical. He looks like he’s invigorated by all the stores and people whereas I probably look like I’m ready to have a nap – and a meal._ Alec couldn’t ignore his hunger anymore. Even the wasabi peas they were selling at the checkout counter looked amazingly good.

After they paid for their things they stuffed themselves, and their million and two bags, onto the bus and as luck would have it they caught the second bus they had to take that would take them out of the city and to their homes. When they settled themselves in Alec looked out the window.

“I can’t believe it’s dark outside. I don’t think I’ve ever spent that much time in the mall. I didn’t even know that stores were open so long,” Alec joked. He looked at Magnus apologetically. “I’m sorry that I got a little grumpy back there. There’s a reason why Isabelle doesn’t invite me to come when she goes shopping.”

“I think you’re cute when you’re grumpy –like a devilishly handsome, scowling garden gnome.”

Alec could feel his cheeks heating up. “You think I look like a garden gnome,” he asked incredulously.

“Only when you’re grumpy,” Magnus replied jestingly. “Other times you just look devilishly handsome.”

As Alec’s blush darkened Magnus wondered if maybe he pushed it too far but he didn’t feel any unease from Alec, only shyness and amusement.

A woman who’d just gotten on the bus passed by their seats and the smell from her take out container wafted over to them. The roasted garlic smell had Alec’s mouth watering and Magnus’s stomach let out a large rumble.

“God, I’m hungry,” Magnus said while following the take out container longingly with his eyes.

“Me too,” Alec agreed. They hadn’t eaten lunch and it was already dinner time. Alec felt bad that he hadn’t thought to ask Magnus if he wanted to stop and have a bite to eat in the food court at lunch time. He had an idea and launched into asking Magnus before he had enough time to talk himself out of it.

“Why don’t you come over to my house and we’ll have dinner,” Alec suggested.

_I’m hungry, he’s hungry, it’s just food. You can eat dinner with friends, doesn’t mean that it’s a date just because you’re having dinner. Even if he doesn’t see this as a date, it’s just a meal. It’s not like I asked him to join me in singing the theme song to the Titanic,_ Alec tried to reason with himself. _But you want this to be a date, don’t you,_ a sing-songy, all-knowing, annoying voice whispered in his mind.

While Alec was having his internal meltdown Magnus was delightedly surprised at Alec’s offer. _I’m usually the one to initiate things – whether it be conversation or the date today. Though I’m not supposed to call it a date_ , Magnus mentally chastised himself, _because it would probably send Alec into an epic freak-out._

“That sounds wonderful,” Magnus said, having no idea what a sedative effect those words had on Alec. “I’m so hungry I feel like I could eat the bed sheets right about now.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are such great readers with all these comments and kudos! Opening my inbox has never been so exciting before! :D Thank you!


	9. Basil and Wine

“Now I know why you invited me over for dinner,” Magnus puffed out as they stepped into Alec’s house and finally put the bags down. “You just didn’t want to carry all these bags by yourself.” He leaned against the closed front door.

“You got me,” Alec played along. Now that he really thought about it, he honestly didn’t know how he would have gotten all the bags home without Magnus’s help. _I don’t think I’ve ever bought this much stuff in my life_ , Alec thought as he surveyed all the bags sitting in his entrance. He knew that they were all essentials though and at one point or another he would have had to venture out to buy them; at least he got it all over with today. _In a much more enjoyable fashion too,_ Alec thought as he looked over at Magnus who was leaning against his front door with his eyes closed.

_The front door has never looked so good,_ Alec thought to himself with amusement. He took in Magnus’s lean form, the way his emerald scarf hung loosely around his mocha coloured neck and the way his hair stuck up in an unruly yet organized manner. _I wonder what it would feel like to run my fingers through his hair?_ Alec blinked and swallowed largely at the shock of that sudden thought. Magnus’s lips twitched into a small smile, as if he thought of a joke that he couldn’t help but react to.

Alec shook his head slightly to clear it of any lingering unanticipated, embarrassing thoughts and started to take off his coat. He handed Magnus a hanger for his coat too and when their shoes and coats were stowed away they lugged all the bags into the living room.

“Okay,” Alec said when they’d deposited all the bags, “tour or food first?”

At the mention of food Magnus’s stomach let out an audible battle cry that made Magnus bite his lip from embarrassment.

“Food it is,” Alec said trying not to laugh at Magnus’s expression.

* * *

Magnus settled himself into a barstool along the counter that faced the kitchen while Alec took inventory of what he had. _Something that tastes good and is done fast,_ Alec thought as he looked around. His eyes landed on some soft tomatoes he had in a bowl.

“Hey Magnus,” Alec called out with his head in the fridge as he pulled out the things he needed, “what would you say to a pasta?”

“I would say where is it and can I have some more.”

Alec smiled to the vegetables in his fridge. He grabbed what he needed and set them on the counter beside a wooden cutting board. He took the bowl of tomatoes and washed them before he put those onto the board.

“Is there anything I can do,” Magnus asked but as he watched Alec confidently dice the tomatoes he really doubted Alec needed his help. _I might know how to choose a good towel but Alec looks like one of those Italian chefs who can whip up something extraordinary while singing opera._

“There’s not much to do here but if you want to dig out one of the smaller pots we bought today that’d be great. Might as well test it out.”

Magnus headed towards the dining room in search of the pot while Alec finished dicing the tomatoes. He peeled a couple cloves of garlic and cut them up into a pile on the wooden board besides the tomatoes. Just then Magnus returned with the pot.

Alec smiled his thanks as he took the pot and put it onto the element. He covered the bottom of the pot with a generous layer of olive oil and scooped the garlic into the pot.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone make tomato sauce with tomatoes that didn’t come from a can,” Magnus remarked.

“Well it’s the least I can do,” Alec replied as he leaned against the counter and waited for the garlic to turn golden. “If it hadn’t been for you I probably would have ended up buying sheets that would have stained all my other clothes a light pink colour in the first wash. The guys at the firehouse would have tripped over themselves in glee if I would’ve shown up with a pink uniform.”

Alec remembered his manners just then and he pushed himself off the counter and went to stand on the other side of the counter Magnus was sitting at. “What would you like to drink?”

“Whatever you’re having is fine,” Magnus replied good-naturedly.

“Well,” Alec said slowly as he thought about it, “I will need some red wine for the sauce so I might as well open that now.”

“A valid excuse,” grinned Magnus.

Alec checked on the garlic and, satisfied with their golden hue, he added the diced tomatoes. The contents started to sizzle and spit and Alec gave it a good stir with his wooden spoon before he turned the heat down and let it sizzle.

He went over and grabbed the sole bottle of wine off the counter and pulled out the cork. Taking two wine glasses from the cupboard he placed them in front of Magnus and poured a little red wine into each. He also reached over and grabbed some soda crackers out of their plastic and put them on a plate besides the wine.

“If you’re as hungry as I am,” Alec explained, “then you’re just about seeing stars right now.”

They grabbed their wine glasses and looked at each other.

_Should I make a toast? Is he waiting for a toast? I am the host,_ Alec fretted, _I guess it is on me to make the toast. What should I toast? ‘Here’s to you for your never-ending patience and putting up with cranky old me today?’ Yeah,_ Alec thought with an internal eye roll, _isn’t that romantic…but dammit, stop that, it’s not even a date._

Still holding his glass, Magnus watched Alec as he struggled with what to do. He raised his glass and while still looking at Alec he said, “Here’s to good food and good company.”

Alec raised his glass slightly in acknowledgement and let Magnus’s rich gaze wash over him. They took a small sip from their glasses and Alec ventured over to check on the sauce.

He stirred the sauce and asked, “Do you like hot things?” When Magnus didn’t answer he glanced back and saw Magnus smiling coyly above his wine glass as he looked at Alec.

“I’m quite partial to hot things.”

Alec sputtered something incoherent, his eyes growing wide, and turned around and started stirring the sauce with gusto – as if it held the secrets of the universe. Even with his back turned Magnus knew he was blushing just by the heat in his ears. Magnus knew that he was really toeing the line but he couldn’t resist. _Surely he wasn’t expecting some Catholic school-girl response to something that demanded sauce. I can dilute it down a little but I’m not going to change my entire personality to make him comfortable. I’d be so boring…_

“What I meant,” Alec said and Magnus had to smile a little at the slight squeak in his voice, “was do you like spicy food?”

“Aw shucks,” Magnus said in mock innocence as he bit into a cracker, “is that what you meant? Well then it’s a yes on both counts.”

_I wish I were that confident in myself,_ Alec thought as he added some salt and a pinch of cayenne pepper powder to the sauce. _Everything about Magnus screams ‘I’m me and if you don’t like that then tough.’ Everything, from the way he stands to the way he talks, from the way he dresses to even the way his hair defiantly stands up, speaks of someone who is sure of himself._ Alec gave a weary mental sigh, _I do wonder what that feels like._

He took out his old pot – the one with only one ear – and filled it three quarters of the way up with water and put it on the element to boil. Pleased that everything was cooking along, Alec walked over to where Magnus was and sat down beside him.

“It should be ready in about fifteen minutes,” Alec said as he took a sip from his wine and grabbed a cracker off the plate.

“How is it,” Magnus asked as he smelled the air, ‘that it’s not even ready yet and it already smells to die for?” Alec shot him an appreciative smile through his mouthful of cracker. “Where did you learn to cook like this?”

“Well,” Alec said as he swallowed the cracker,” I think it came down to a matter of self-preservation. There was no way I was going to continue being Izzy’s guinea pig for her crazy recipes. Plus it probably helped that the limited channels on our tv were mostly cooking channels. What didn’t help,” Alec said with a laugh at the memory, “was that most of these channels were international so they didn’t speak English. It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out that when they said ‘beurre’ they weren’t cold, they meant butter. I always thought it was a little fishy that these French chefs would randomly get cold and go ‘brrrr’ right in the middle of the show.” Magnus snorted into his wine.

“You’re kidding me, you thought they were _cold_?” Magnus laughed even harder because he could just imagine a ten year old Alec sitting cross-legged in front of the tv and tilting his head quizzically every time the French lady would say butter.

“ _Mais oui_ , now you must cut up _zee_ carrots en Juliennes,” Magnus said in a terrible French accent as he pretended to chop something up, “and place them _gentillement_ in _zee_ pan and then you must take _zee BRRRRRR.”_ Magnus wrapped his arms around himself, his teeth chattering dramatically. Alec burst out laughing and couldn’t stop. When he was close to catching his breath Magnus would say, “ _Mon cherie,_ it’s BRRRRR” and it would send him into another fit of laughter.

Magnus watched as Alec threw his head back in pure abandon while he clutched his stomach. His face was unguarded as he laughed; there was no hesitation. His eyes were closed but the faint trickle of moisture leaked into the crinkles around his eyes. His unrestrained laughter set Magnus laughing too until finally they’d laughed themselves silly and started to calm down.

“Ahhh,” Alec sighed as he regained his breath and rubbed at the corner of his eyes, “I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard.” When he looked at Magnus his eyes sparkled from the excess sheen of moisture and Magnus couldn’t help but remember that time on the bus when he vowed that one day he would set Alec’s face alight with laughter. Magnus knew that this burst of laughter didn’t pacify the demons that lived inside Alec and caused that wild storm of grief that Magnus was pulled into earlier today, but Magnus was content that for a moment he set Alec free. The ruddy cheeks, the gasping breath, the unbridled laughter, they all lightened Magnus’s heart as he looked at Alec.

_If I could stand between Alec and his demons I would, not even a breath’s hesitation,_ Magnus thought. _I would fight tooth and nail if only I could see what I was fighting against._

Still chortling slightly to himself, Alec slipped gracefully off the stool and went to stir the sauce. He poured some red wine into the sauce and stirred some more. He added some salt to the water that was boiling in the other pot and added a handful of spaghetti. He pushed down on the ends until all the strands were submerged.

“I didn’t think it was possible,” Magnus said in disbelief as the steam from the sauce diffused over to where he was sitting, “but it smells even better.”

“Oh good, I’m almost done,” Alec replied as he fished out some fresh basil from the fridge. He washed the leaves and chopped them up expertly before he added them to the sauce. He gave the sauce one last stir before he turned the element off and let it sit.

“If you want to do me one more favor,” Alec said to Magnus as he stirred the spaghetti, “if you could set the table? I think if I left the pasta here without stirring it would bubble over the sides,” Alec explained.

“Oh yeah, sure,” Magnus said as he got off the stool. “Where are your things?”

“They’re in those two drawers,” Alec said as he pointed to the drawers with his elbow.

Magnus took what he needed from the two drawers and set the small table that was sitting in the dining room. By the time he was done Alec had strained the pasta and put it into the two bowls. He spooned some sauce onto both of them and grabbed the two bowls. He did one last sweep of the kitchen with his eyes to make sure he hadn’t left an element on before he turned to Magnus.

He had to smile to himself when he saw Magnus staring dreamily at the two bowls of pasta, like a dehydrated man who stumbled upon an oasis. Alec found he liked this newfound admiration that his cooking was getting and saw that it spoke a lot about Magnus.

_He hasn’t even taken a bite yet and he’s already praised the meal._ Alec wasn’t one to fish for compliments – they made him uncomfortable if truth be told – but that didn’t mean he didn’t want the respect and appreciation that were due. _Ben never once voiced his satisfaction, never once even thanked me for making food. That arrogant git, all he did was complain and yell._ Alec once again wondered how he had stayed so long with Ben. _But Magnus isn’t Ben,_ Alec thought as he looked at Magnus. _Now I just need to figure out what to do with all these compliments._

“I’d much appreciate it,” Alec said as he walked past Magnus to the table, “if you didn’t drool on my carpet.”

Magnus barked out a laugh at the unexpected wittiness of Alec’s comment and grabbed the two wine glasses off the counter before he moved to follow Alec.

“I can’t remember the last time I had a genuine meal that wasn’t a sandwich or a salad,” Magnus said as he put the two glasses in their place. “Usually I’m stuck throwing something together and praying it tastes decent enough to eat.” They took their seats. “I could say that I just don’t have time to cook but the truth of the matter is that I’m pretty useless in the kitchen.”

They grabbed their forks. “Are you sure you’re not related to Bat? He’s a firefighter at the Firehouse and whenever it’s his turn to cook we have to hold a mass prayer service to pray that we don’t get food poisoning.”

“Well I don’t get food poisoning from my food,” Magnus said with haughty arched eyebrows, “…that often,” he mumbled under his breath.

Alec snorted.

Magnus twirled the spaghetti around his fork and lifted it to his mouth. When the tastes exploded in his mouth he almost moaned in pleasure. The warmth coated the insides of his mouth and the tangy tomato sauce coupled with the slight kick from the spicy cayenne made his taste buds expectantly stand at attention. The red wine added a noble richness that he wasn’t expecting. He was just so hungry and the food was so delicious that he felt he wanted to pull a leaf from Fred Flintstone’s book and yell ‘yaba-daba-doo’ off a mountain top.

_It’s completely irrational...and yet so fitting._

Magnus looked up at Alec. “It’s absolutely delicious,” Magnus said earnestly.

Alec waved off the complement with his fork. “You’re just hungry.”

“It’s more than that,” Magnus insisted. They ate a little bit more in silence, both a little too hungry to strike up conversation.

“So is this what you do with all the guys,” Magnus asked when his hunger was sated a little. “Bring them back to your place and impress them by going all G-rated Gordon Ramsey in the kitchen?”

Alec blinked in surprise.

_All the guys? Ha,_ Alec thought, _what guys?_ Alec brain caught up with what Magnus said. _Wait_ , _did he just say I impress him? Do I impress him?_ Alec felt like one of those peacocks who wanted to strut around with their colourful plumage on display. _It’s been so long since I’ve wanted to impress someone,_ Alec thought with remembered loneliness. _All those years of coming home to an empty house, to a cold bed. Ben, for all he was worth, might have been an apparition for all the warmth he brought._

Magnus felt the melancholic loneliness that tore through Alec because it tore through him as well. It made Magnus want to wrap Alec in a warm blanket of reassurance and gentleness, pull him to his chest and let his steady heartbeat convince Alec that he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

It made Magnus want to say that if it were up to him, Alec would never feel alone again.

Magnus knew though that such declarations would only cause Alec to panic so he masked these desires in his eyes with a playful light and said, “Lord only knows how many tomatoes you go through in a week.”

* * *

The rest of the evening passed by in comfortable conversation as Magnus told Alec about the at-work gossip and in turn Alec described the firefighters he works with.   Alec had them both laughing when he recounted all the instances that he and the other firefighters had to shamefully almost use a fire extinguisher to put out Bat’s kitchen disasters.

It was getting late when Magnus reluctantly stood up. “I have to work tomorrow,” his shoulder gave a crack as he stretched his arms up, “I should probably get going.”

Alec stood up as well. “I’ll walk you to the bus stop.”

“That’s real chivalrous of you,” Magnus said with a tired smirk, “but you really don’t need to. It’s not too warm outside.” He made his way to the entrance.

“I don’t mind, plus I could do with stretching my legs a bit.”

They put on their coats and shoes and went outside.

“I envy you,” Magnus said as they walked on the side of the road, “you have one more day off, you don’t need to wake up early tomorrow.”

“You didn’t have to get up early today but you still did. I’m surprised you’re still standing seeing as how you were up at three this morning,” Alec replied.

Magnus looked at Alec questioningly but then his eyebrows smoothed in realization. “Right, I sent you that text. I hope I didn’t wake you.”

“You didn’t,” Alec lied. They walked the rest of the way to the bus stop in peaceful silence.

“You don’t have to wait for the bus with me,” Magnus said when they reached the stop. “It’s enough one of us freezes,” he joked.

Alec shrugged. “The bus comes in a couple minutes anyway, I’ll keep you company.”

Magnus smiled as he looked over at Alec. “I had a good time today, even when you turned into a grumpy old frump at the mall,” Magnus teased.

“Yeah well it wouldn’t have taken us half as long if we didn’t have to run around all the shops looking for tags that said cotton,” he said under his breath before he harrumphed.

Magnus sniggered to himself. “What was that,” he asked innocently.

“Oh nothing, just said I had a good time too,” Alec said, knowing all too well that Magnus had heard him. Alec moved to stand besides Magnus so the wind would be blowing at his back instead of his face when he stepped on a patch of ice and his heel started to slide. He instinctively shot both his arms out trying to regain his balance when Magnus reached out and grabbed his arm to steady him.

When he was once again standing on two feet he looked up and found that Magnus was much closer than he had once been. He glanced farther up and saw that Magnus was already looking at him with that look that he so often had – the one that suggested he was listening to all his hidden desires. Alec gaze was ensnared and he couldn’t look away, even as Magnus slowly started to lower his face closer to Alec’s.

_Oh God, is he going to kiss me? Do I want him to kiss me? I haven’t known him long enough. Why would he want to kiss_ me _?_ Alec’s brain was in overdrive. _He’s getting closer, you have to make up your mind soon or this is going to end very awkwardly. So you’ll dream about kissing him,_ the traitorous side of his brain thought, _but you won’t actually do it?_ Alec closed his eyes, thinking perhaps by taking away one of his senses his thoughts will gain some clarity.

He felt Magnus’s nearness, knew he was a hair’s width away from him. Alec’s breath hitched and stilled. Magnus’s soft breath travelled across his face and tantalized his nerve endings. He completely forgot how to breathe when Magnus slowly pressed his lips against his cheekbone and lingered there for a moment. The slight pressure lessened and bewitchingly slow, Magnus brushed just the slight tips of his lips across Alec’s face as he traced a path to his ear. Alec was completely enthralled by the time Magnus’s lips reached his ear.

“Have you truly been so careful you’ve forgotten how good it can be,” Magnus whispered.

Alec didn’t notice when the bus pulled up. It was only when Magnus took a step away that the spell was broken and Alec sucked in a big breath, not aware that he’d been holding his breath the whole time.

Magnus stuck his hands into his pockets and walked over to the bus. He turned to Alec before he boarded. “I’ll see you soon,” Magnus said with a teasing smile.

Alec nodded, not trusting his voice.

Alec watched as Magnus took a window seat and Magnus shot him a wink and a little wave before the bus took off. Alec waved back half-heartedly, still in a daze.

He blamed his foggy thoughts and slow movements on the wine but the sole glass of red wine he’d had begged to differ.

 

   

 

 

 


	10. Toes and Scars

The next handful of days passed by in a blur for Alec.  When he wasn’t at work he was at home cleaning every nook and cranny, making sure that everything was in its place.  It wasn’t that his house was dirty before – he was never the type to leave it in a mess – but it was just unbelievable how many things there was to do with a new house.  The thing was he didn’t have that much time before Isabelle arrived and he wanted to have everything done by the time she came.  It wasn’t like she was going to judge him for not having his bookshelf up an organised but he knew how much his little sister worried about him. 

This was how Jace ended up helping Alec move furniture around the house after one of their shifts.

“Tell me again,” Jace grunted under the weight of the dresser, “why you want to move this dresser to the other side of the _same_ room.”   

Alec readjusted his grip on the heavy dresser.  “Because,” he panted, “it’s right in front of the closet door and I can never open it all the way.  Plus it just looks better over there.”

Jace hissed in pain and let out an impressive string of curses when he stubbed his foot into the wooden edge of the bedframe.  Alec winced in sympathy.  _I need to remember to put some padding over there._  

They finally made it over to the other side of the room without hitting anymore obstacles and crouched to put the dresser into its final resting place.  As soon as the dresser was down Jace hobbled over to Alec’s bed and sat down.  Clutching his foot to his chest he glared at Alec.

“Let it be known that ‘it looks better over there’ in no way justifies moving a half ton dresser.”  He paused and blew a random lock of hair out of his face.  “The accepted answers would be ‘because it has a secret passageway to a faraway kingdom and only activates on the other side of the room’, ‘a magical genie will pop out and grant wishes’ or ‘it will miraculously turn my toes back into the same shape they were before.’”

Alec crinkled his nose.  “Yeah, sorry about the bed, I should’ve warned you about that.  If it makes you feel any better I’ve done that so many times that I don’t think I have any more feeling left in my toes.”

Jace looked unimpressed.  “Somehow that doesn’t fill me with hope.”

They walked – and in Jace’s case limped – down the stairs and stood in front of the sink drinking water. 

“You really do have a nice place over here,” Jace said as he surveyed the updated but not extravagant kitchen and the dining room where the last rays of sunlight were pouring through the windows.  “It’s clean and bright and somehow it just feels comfortable.”  He glanced sideways at Alec.  “You’ve got a good one here.”

“Yeah, I know.  That’s exactly what I thought when I saw the place,” Alec looked around appreciatively.  “I like it because it’s not too big, it’s perfect for just one person.”

“It can fit two people too,” Jace said slyly.  “Come on, any girl would absolutely swoon at a man who has a house that doesn’t have twenty year old pizza cartons lying around.  Just don’t ask her to help you move your dresser because she’ll leave faster than a cat in a bathtub.”  Alec laughed.  “Not to mention that you’re a firefighter.  Just slip that into a conversation and it’s game over.  Never understood it but hey,” Jace shrugged as he drank from his glass,” I’m not complaining.”

“Oh yeah, that’s what I need,” Alec said as he rolled his eyes, “a whole crew of firefighter-crazed women chasing after me.”

Jace lowered his glass.  “Some guys would only dream of it.”

Alec tried not to laugh at the seriousness in Jace’s voice.

Jace turned slightly to face Alec and leaned back against the counter.  ‘So you mean to tell me that if, oh I don’t know,” Jace searched around for a name, “if Lily Collins were to break out of said pack of firefighter-obsessed women you wouldn’t just melt into a puddle right then and there?”

Alec looked at the way Jace’s eyes were glazed over at the mention of Lily Collins.  Alec shrugged and shook his head.  Jace’s looked at him in disbelief and also like he was a little offended on Lily’s behalf.

“I’d call you up though if I spotted her in the pack.  You can tag along and stalk my stalker,” Alec added.

“Thanks man,” Jace smirked.

“No problem,” Alec didn’t miss a beat, “what are friends for.”

Jace was still shaking his head in disbelief when Alec refilled his water glass.  “So what’s the name of the girl that messed you round this bad?”

Alec swallowed a big gulp of water to buy him some time to think.  _Jace is my friend, he deserves to know.  He’s not like those others back in New York, he wouldn’t care.  But what if the others at the firehouse aren’t as accepting as him?  I can’t spend the rest of my life hiding such a big part of who I am from the people I spend most of my time with.  Might as well figure out where they stand now._

Alec swallowed his last mouthful and lowered his glass.

“Ben.”

“Oh.”  Jace’s brow wrinkled in confusion for about a second before his brain clued him in.  “Ohhhhh,” he said before he looked at Alec skeptically.  “Really?”  He must have caught up with what he was saying because he shook his hands and looked earnestly at Alec.  “Don’t take that the wrong way because I’m not the type to care, it’s just I never would have guessed.  You’re just not flamboyant or anything.”

Alec rolled his eyes, slightly annoyed.  “Not every man who is gay owns a pink leopard print bathrobe, Jace.”

Jace shifted his weight.  Beneath all the wit Alec knew Jace felt bad for how he’d reacted, even though his reaction really hadn’t been a bad one at all, based on Alec’s past experiences anyway.

“That was rude,” Jace admitted all sarcasm aside, “but really I was just a little surprised.  Alec you know me, I’m not the type to dance around throwing holy water at you.”

Alec’s annoyance was banished by Jace’s sincerity.  “I know.  It’s just such a big part of who I am and I feel like every time I tell somebody I’m always bracing for how they’re going to react.  After telling so many people I’m always bringing my fists up, preparing for a fight and then I’m the surprised one when people act nice.”  Alec let out a short laugh but it held no humour.  “I know I shouldn’t really care anymore, that it’s my life and who I love doesn’t at all affect them but you just wouldn’t believe how ugly people can be.  These people you can’t even avoid, not when you see them every day.”  Alec snapped his mouth shut.  He was surprised old wounds still stung but he didn’t see any reason to pull back the clothing and examine the scars under the bright light.

Jace set his glass down on the counter and angled himself so he was facing Alec. 

“Is that why you moved here?  Morgenstern and the others gave you a tough time?”  Jace’s face was hard and unforgiving.  His mouth was pressed together in a straight line and Alec knew that he was just barely holding his tongue in check.  It set a little part of Alec’s soul aglow, to know that Jace was outraged, outraged _for_ him.

Alec kept a neutral face and shrugged one of his shoulders slightly and tried at nonchalance.  He wasn’t the type of person who talked bad about other firefighters, about his former chief.  “I just wanted a change of scenery,” but he couldn’t quite meet Jace’s eyes at that lie.

He could feel Jace study him and for a moment Jace said nothing.

“Bullshit,” Jace broke the silence and Alec had to laugh at the way Jace called his bluff. 

“Although I am glad that you ended up in our firehouse, and I’m not the only one.  Hell, if it weren’t for the different woman I see with him every weekend I would even go as far as to say Micah has a little man-crush on you after the lasagna you made.”  Jace smirked.

Alec shook his head in amusement.  “I don’t know how he has the time to meet all of them.”

“Your guess is as good as mine.”

Comfortable silence settled between them while they each thought of Micah and all those girls that seemed thrilled to be with him.  All the while, there was another question that nagged at Alec. 

Alec looked over at Jace who still had a half-smile on his face. 

“Are you going to tell the guys?”

Jace sobered.  “I won’t tell them if you don’t want me to,” he said slowly, “but I think they’re going to figure it out when you bring someone named Carl round to the firehouse.”  Alec saw his point.

“They’re good guys, Alec.  I’ve been with them longer than you have and I would bet my last cent that they’re not going to give a shiny penguin’s tail feather when they find out.  They’re not like that, _we’re_ not like that.  We got to stick together, look out for each other and trust each other because it’s the only way we get to go home in one piece.  They trust you Alec and who you date won’t change that.”

Alec knew that the firefighters he worked with weren’t anything like the one’s he’d worked with under Chief Morgenstern but everything that had happened there had left him weary. 

“Did you know that Garroway and Morgenstern used to be friends?”

Alec leaned back in surprise.  “What?!  Really?”  Alec thought back to the power-hungry Morgenstern and he couldn’t fit him and Garroway together in the same frame, let alone in a friendship.  “I can’t even picture that.”

Jace nodded.  “From what I could piece together he and Garroway went to the same Fire Academy and they went through training together.  When they graduated they both served at the same firehouse before Morgenstern became lieutenant.  I heard that they had a falling out when Morgenstern tried to push the others to take some drug.  It had a really dumbass name.”  Jace’s face scrunched up in concentration.  “It was called the Devils Vein, or Demon’s Tail, no no wait, I remember, it was Demonic Eyeball.”

Alec snorted. 

Jace raised his eyebrows and nodded along to Alec’s reaction.  “Yeah I know, really weird name.  It was some type of steroid that had never been tested, don’t know how he managed to get his hands on it,” Jace added as an afterthought. 

“Turns out he was trying to make a new type of super strong firefighter but when Garroway found out he left and that’s how he became chief here.”

Alec still couldn’t believe it.  “I mean I knew Morgenstern was a little eccentric but this really puts things into perspective.”

“The Chief would never talk about it but this is what we’ve heard here and there from other firehouses.”

“Huh.” Alec didn’t know what else to say.  “Just when you think you’ve heard it all...”

“Then you’re attacked by a Demonic Eyeball,” Jace’s voice shook from restrained laughter.

Alec laughed and while he was still laughing said, “It really is a bad name.”

Jace was still chortling to himself when he pushed himself off the counter.  “Well I better head out.”

“Thanks again for all your help,” Alec followed him and watched Jace shrug into his coat and lace up his boots.  “I owe you one; if you ever need anything you’ve got my number.”

“Thanks for that,” Jace finished knotting the laces and stood up.  “Maybe I’ll take you up on that and you’ll cook something easy so I can surprise Clary.” 

“Yeah, sure, just tell me when.”

Jace stepped out the door and started going down the front steps when Alec stuck his head out.

“I really mean it Jace, thank you – for everything.”

Jace turned around with a light in eyes.  “It really wasn’t a big deal, I mean it only cost my four toes,” Jace joked but he smiled knowingly.

“Have a good time with your sister,” he called back to Alec and waved a hand over his head.

 

 

 

 


	11. Polka Dots and Peru

Alec stood among the mass of people at the opening to the terminal in Denver International. Well, he tried to stand still. It wasn’t only that the crowd jostled him, it was the jumble of anticipation and excitement that bounced around inside him that had him shifting his weight. That and the fact that he kind of had to pee and there was just no chance on God’s green earth that he’d be able to manoeuver through the thick of people to find a restroom. He’d have to be a modern-day Moses to pull that one off.

The hum of the crowd grew louder as two people in uniforms opened the doors to the terminal. Alec felt his heartbeat quicken in reply. As the first few passengers trickled out of the terminal Alec felt like he’d shrunk three inches as everyone got on tip toe. Just as he swayed to try and see around people, someone pushed by him and stopped right in front of him. Alec stared at the back of the person in slack-jawed disbelief.

The woman in front of him was at least 6’3 and that was without the heels. _Heels_ for God’s sake. _If you’re that tall why in the flippin’ hell do you need heels for?_ Alec was pretty sure this woman was in a whole different atmosphere up there, a place where oxygen must run a little scarce. The heels were lethal too, something that Izzy would probably gush over but something that his feet did not want the great pleasure of meeting.

He leaned one way and then the other but everything was blanketed by the woman’s dark curly hair, like her head was the sun and her hair orbited it. The passengers were starting to come but he couldn’t see anything other than the odd floating head.

Blonde.

_Nope._

Short, hot pink, spiky hair.

_I highly doubt it._

An afro bobbed by.

 _Haha_.

A mustache peeked through.

_God, I hope not…_

And then just as Alec was trying to picture Isabelle with a handlebar mustache the actual (and mustache-free) Isabelle turned the corner and stepped out of the terminal. He saw her slow down and scan the crowd. He stuck his arm up and waved at her and he wondered if people just saw an arm growing out of a mass of hair, like an antenna gone mad.

He peered around Medusa as best he could and saw that Isabelle wasn’t standing where he saw her before. He rotated on his toes, searching for where she could have disappeared to when he heard her unmistakable voice cutting its way through the crowd and towards him. He saw two people to his left break apart and Isabelle squeezed between them. When she looked up and saw Alec her whole face lit up with a smile, something that she granted few people. Alec grinned back and he giddily wondered if his ears were still visible behind his cheeks.

Alec skirted around two people just as Isabelle pushed through the remaining bunch. They stood in front of each other, wearing twin smiles, before Alec reached out and pulled her into a hug.

“I can’t believe you recognized my arm,” Alec laughed into her hair.

“You’re my brother, of course I recognized your arm,” Isabelle said mock offended. “That and the fact that I got you that jacket before you left,” she admitted.

Alec snorted.

They pulled back and Isabelle’s eyes scanned over him, like the ink cartridge in a printer, going back and forth. Alec tried to catch and hold onto her busy eyes.

“Izzy?”

Her eyes landed and stayed on his. “Yeah?”

He smiled slightly. “I’m doing well, really, everything’s okay,” he tried to reassure her.

Isabelle’s eyes bored into his own and he could feel her gaze peeling back layer after layer until she was satisfied with what she found.

She frowned and glared at him fiercely; a look that would send any man scurrying in the other direction, telling others he met along the way to turn and save themselves. But Alec knew his sister better than that, and they both knew that her intimidation tactics both wouldn’t work and weren’t needed with him. She closed her eyes and her features smoothed. She let out a tired breath. When she opened her eyes Alec saw the vulnerable Isabelle looking back at him, the Isabelle that she hid under frosty glances and biting sarcasm.  

“You’re not just saying that?”

Alec reached a hand out and squeezed her shoulder. “I promise you, I’m doing much better.”

She looked at him a moment longer before she nodded.

“Good,” Alec reached out and took her bag from her. “Let’s go find the rest of your luggage.”

* * *

“Geez, did you stuff your entire apartment into this suitcase?” Alec huffed as he lifted the black polka dotted suitcase onto the relatively empty bus and he could have sworn the bus tilted under the weight. When he looked up he saw the bus driver giving him a sympathetic look and Alec knew that at one point or another the driver had practically dislocated his arm trying to load his mother’s, girlfriend’s or sister’s suitcase. After Alec paid for both of them they took a seat with Isabelle sitting beside the window and Alec balancing the suitcase in the aisle.

“I can’t wait to see your place,” Isabelle turned away from the window and smiled, her eyes sparkled in the sunlight that was dancing through the windows. “I can’t believe my big brother’s got his own place.” She bumped her shoulder playfully against his.

“It’s about time, Izzy. I’m kind of done with roommates. You wouldn’t believe how hard it was to find a decent roommate at the Fire Academy.”

Isabelle laughed suddenly. “You remember Sanjeep?”

Alec groaned. “Oh God, who could _forget_ Sanjeep? That guy was the definition of a bad roommate.”

Isabelle laughed harder and leaned her side against Alec. “How did you even let him in? Didn’t you meet him before you let him move in?”

“I met him, problem was he gave a terribly good first impression. He did not mention that he was a sleepwalker who routinely got up and vacuumed in his sleep.” Alec could feel Isabelle’s quiet laughter against his side. “I even tried to hide the vacuum; I put it into the bathtub after he went to sleep thinking I’d finally get some sleep only to wake up to him vacuuming my room.”

“Hey, at least you had really clean carpets.”

Alec snorted. “Really clean doesn’t even cover it. These carpets were pristine, like the queen would have wept in glee if she–“

“Alec?”

Alec’s head turned and looked up at the source of his name and grinned when he saw what he found.

“Hey Magnus. Did you just get off work?”

Isabelle straightened and critically looked at Magnus.

“So you’re Magnus? You’re the Magnus I’ve been hearing about for weeks now?” She looked over the man in the emerald scarf who was half smiling at her. “Well he’s definitely as gorgeous as you said,” she said to Alec but looking boldly at Magnus.

Alec made a chocking noise in the back of his throat while Magnus chuckled under his breath. “Izzy,” Alec tried to whisper-scold but his throat was still too stiff from embarrassment. If he wouldn’t have been looking down to hide his red face he would have seen the way Isabelle and Magnus were eyeing each other.

Magnus looked at the woman with raven black hair and clear alabaster skin and could clearly see the family resemblance.

_The cheekbones definitely run in the family then._

He also saw, for it was hard to miss, the way she fiercely looked at him as if her gaze held the power to burn away all lies until all that was left was the pulsating core of truth. He wasn’t at all surprised when her feels hit him and determination walked up his spine, stiffening each vertebra as it went up. He felt her protectiveness reach out and cover his body in armour, but at the root he found love. A love that would make someone walk through a wall made of cacti if it meant getting to that other person. He looked at her curiously and wondered who she was protecting Alec from so fiercely. Him? He hadn’t done anything to call the cavalry in for and though she may be one woman, she was the horse, knight, shield and sword.

Finally, though he was still every shade of pink in the face, Alec looked up at Magnus and with some difficulty met his eye. Magnus winked which almost made Alec hastily look away...almost.

“Ah Magnus, this is my sister with no verbal filter, Isabelle.” He looked over at Isabelle and shot daggers at her. “Isabelle, this is Magnus.”

“Oh I have a hunch that she might know who I am,” Magnus teased. He looked over to Isabelle. “It’s nice to meet you; I know Alec’s been like a kid in a candy store waiting for you to come.”

She smiled politely at Magnus but her eyes still flashed like tempered steel, “It’s nice to finally put a face to the name.”

Magnus knew that Isabelle didn’t dislike him but he positively knew that she did not trust him. For what reason, Magnus hadn’t a clue. _I’ve met her for two minutes and she already doesn’t trust me, that has to be a record._ Magnus sat down in the vacant seat in front of Alec and turned around to face them.

“So you two are just coming from the airport then?”

Alec nodded and patted the spotted suitcase beside him. “We didn’t want to wait for a cab and we would have caught the earlier bus but Izzy’s suitcase was probably the last one to be thrown onto that conveyor belt.”

“Be happy they didn’t lose it,” Magnus looked at Isabelle. “I went to Peru a couple years ago and when I landed I found out they had sent my suitcase to Paris. Well that’s great...if I would’ve been in Paris. Long story short, I had to wear an ensemble that probably got be banned from ever returning.”

Isabelle lips twitched. “Did you ever get your suitcase back?”

“Oh yeah,” Magnus nodded earnestly, “three months later. Turns out they treated my suitcase to an all-inclusive tour of Europe before they returned it to me. My blasted suitcase ended up seeing more places that I did,” Magnus grumbled as an afterthought.

Alec laughed and even Isabelle smiled.

“So what’s the plan then,” Magnus asked.

“Well,” Alec turned to Isabelle, “I haven’t really thought that far. I’m just happy that I get to see you for a couple days.” Magnus softened at the feeling of pure happiness that came off Alec.

“I have an idea,” Isabelle started and looked over at Magnus. “Why don’t you come over for dinner tomorrow?”

“That sounds like a great idea,” Alec smiled over at Isabelle. He looked at Magnus and raised his eyebrows. “What do you think? Think you can pop over after work?”

“I think I’ll be able to manage that somehow,” he looked wickedly at Alec. “Are you cooking?”

Alec’s lips quirked at the inside joke. “I think so.”

Isabelle smacked Alec’s arm with the back of her hand. “Aw hell, what did he tell you about my fabulous cooking?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks all of you for sticking with this for 11 chapters now!! ^_^


	12. Monsters and Angels

_“Izzy, you need to get help. We need help.”_

_“What about—“_

_“I’ll find him.”_

_She hesitated and Alec was worried that she wouldn’t go but finally she nodded and stumbled her way into the smoke towards the room._

_Alec turned back to the stairs as he heard a moan coming from the fiery fog. The acrid smoke made is eyes water and sting and he couldn’t see a thing. He felt as if he tried on someone’s really strong prescription glasses; it was all blurry and it made him dizzy. The smoke billowed up and he crouched down like a common beggar. At the top of the stairs he crouched in a ball and sought out clean air to fill his lungs and clear his head. His hands absentmindedly traced the treads in the old hardwood floors as he closed his eyes and tried to even the stutter in his breath. He swallowed back the thick taste in his mouth and sucked in a breath before he sprang down the stairs._

_At the base of the stairs the smoke was so thick it almost felt solid, like he would be able to cut through it as easily as butter if he had a knife. It struck a certain spot in his throat and he doubled over coughing and for one scary minute he thought he wouldn’t stop. At the thought of Max, Alec reigned in his panic and pulled the neck of his pyjamas up and over his mouth and nose. The material was next to paper thin but it was better than nothing._

_He put one shaking, oxygen deprived foot in front of the other and although every primal instinct told him to flee there was another instinct that determinedly ruled over all others. This instinct hurled fire into his veins and replaced his bones with steel._

_“Max,” he called out as loud as he could, which really wasn’t that loud at all. He choked on the smoke he inhaled and coughed until his throat felt raw._

_He tremblingly made his way towards the source of the fire: the kitchen. The crackle of the fire became a roar with each approaching step; the heat intensified as he got closer and the dry heat made his eyes water even more._

_He froze in the doorway._

_The flames were like spiders; crawling and finding their homes all over the walls. The entire perimeter of the kitchen was being devoured whole by the hungry flames that licked at the walls. The orange-yellow was startling against the darkness of the night and in that pulsating, flickering light he saw a shape sprawled face down in the middle of the room._

_Alec’s heart fluttered wildly, like a little bird locked in a cage._

_He wanted to run._

_Run towards the small, crumpled form to protect it; run away so that he could put a measurable distance between him and the truth._

_He wanted to throw up._

_He scrambled towards the figure and kneeled down beside him._

_“Come on, Max. You’ve got to get up, get up, get up, get up” Alec whispered the mantra as he flipped Max onto his back leaned down with his ear above Max’s mouth. He let out a garbled cry when he heard the shallow breaths. Alec’s pale, long fingers wrapped around Max’s small wrist. He had a heartbeat, but it was dangerously slow. Alec knew that he had to get them out of there. It didn’t matter that his head was spinning and his muscles felt limp from the lack of oxygen, he was going to get them out. The fire reached out a tentacle and a can of pressurized bug spray exploded, as if challenging him._

_From the midst of all the creaks and crackles he heard a load groan of protest coming from above. He looked up and saw the heavy metal grate that hung from the ceiling from which all their metal pots and cooking pans were suspended. In that moment, almost as it was happening, he knew what was going to come next._

_He flung himself over Max’s body as the chain holding the grate up snapped and it came rushing down on top of them. He curved his body over Max’s and squeezed his eyes shut as an 8 litre metal soup cauldron clipped his head._

_The last thing he remembered feeling was all the heated metal sizzling excruciatingly on his back before the darkness swept through his mind._

From the sliver of consciousness he became aware that he was shaking and he thought for a moment that his unconscious form was seizing but the shaking became more insistent and he could hear his name being echoed.

He awoke with a sharpness that left him feeling disoriented and he gasped in the unadulterated air. His back prickled in memory and he could feel the remnants of the adrenaline bouncing in his blood.

Isabelle sat on the edge of his bed in her baggy pink pyjamas, her eyes wide and worried. Sitting there as she was, with her hair down and no makeup on, she looked five years younger. She did not look like the woman who spat vinegar and hot water; she looked like a lost little girl.

She reached out a hand and smoothed back some of the hair that stuck to Alec’s face. None of them mentioned the way her hand shook slightly as she did so.

“You told me that you didn’t have them anymore,” she whispered, her voice accompanying his ragged breathing as the only two sounds in the room.

He looked away.

“Was it a bad one,” she asked in the softest of whispers, almost as if by lining her words with velvet she’d be able to smooth away the monsters.

He nodded almost imperceptibly.

Isabelle gently lifted the covers and crawled in. She lay on her back, her shoulder pressed into Alec’s; something they’d done so often when they were little and they woke up to their parents fighting.

It felt lonely though without the little body they used to sandwich between them and the little hand that used to squeeze one of their own.

 

   

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is the last chapter that I have written so I don't think I'll be updating in the next couple days. Then again, I have about half of the next chapter written so it shouldn't take too long. :)  
> Thanks for all of you who keep commenting and kudosing (haha, I'm pretty sure that's not a word but you know what I mean). Over 60 kudos, you guys are great! :D


	13. Trust and Deception

The next morning Alec stood beside Isabelle at the table and leaned over to scoop half of the scrambled eggs from the pan onto her plate.

“So what are we doing today then,” Isabelle asked as Alec put the rest of the eggs on his plate.

“Well,” Alec started as he walked over and put the pan into the sink and ran water on it, “since we’re having Magnus over tonight I need to run into town to pick up some stuff.”

He walked back to the table with a glass of milk in each hand and sat down.

“You can come with me if you want. We can stop by the firehouse and I can show you around. The firefighters want to meet you, especially Jace.” He picked some of his eggs and an olive up with his fork. “He said – and these are his words – _“I want to meet the person for whom I lost my toe perfection to.”_

Isabelle lifted an eyebrow as she chewed on her piece of tomato. “Toe perfection?”

“Oh yes, I found out he takes his toes quite seriously.”

“He sounds like fun.”

Alec smiled into his milk. “I have a feeling you two will get along just fine.”

* * *

Both trucks were parked inside when Alec and Isabelle arrived. Alec was glad because that meant that they weren’t gone on a call. They walked by the trucks and Alec caught Isabelle looking at the pairs of boots surrounding the trucks.

“I’m taking everyone had to pee really bad and stripped their boots off in a rush to make it to the washroom,” Isabelle remarked.

Alec smiled. “No, we do that so we can just slip on our gear and boots and go when a call comes in.”

“Ah, I guess that does make a little more sense.”

Alec was still smiling when he pushed open the door and looked back at Isabelle. “Come on.”

They walked into the common room where the firefighters were talking, eating and drinking coffee. When Alec and Isabelle walked in they looked over and started yelling out greetings.

“Alec, what are you doing here,” Bat asked with a wide grin stretching over his face. “Come on, tell us the truth,” his face turned mock serious, “you just missed us so much that you couldn’t survive without seeing us.”

“He came for your cooking, Bat,” Maia shot across the table.

“Oh shut up,” Bat retorted. “Like your cooking’s much better,” he ribbed good-naturedly.

“Actually it is,” Micah quipped in.

“Says the person who burns our coffee every single ever-loving day,” Bat muttered under his breath.

Jace, who sat closest to Bat, snorted out a laugh.

Alec laughed along with the others and he turned to look at Isabelle. Isabelle watched the group of firefighters and her mouth twitched at the sides, just itching to laugh. She must have noticed him looking because she looked over at him. With the goofy smile still on his face he raised his eyebrows as if saying ‘ _see what did I tell you, they’re nothing like the other firefighters.’_

She smiled softly in reply, agreeing. They went over and sat down in two vacant seats.

“I want to introduce you all to my sister, Isabelle,” Alec said when the laughter quieted down. He went around the table and introduced all of them to Isabelle who smiled politely at all of them. Her gaze lingered a little longer when Alec pointed to Jace and recognition lit her eyes. Jace smiled back knowingly, both of them having heard so much about each other.

Micah sat up a little straighter in his seat and brushed a strand of golden hair away from his honey brown eyes. He looked across the table at Isabelle. “We all feel like we already know you. Alec’s been so excited for you to come down.” His eyes twinkled when he smiled at her. “So how long do you think you’ll be staying?”

Alec gave a short laugh of disbelief. “Don’t even think about it, Micah.”

A couple of the firefighters laughed under their breaths.

Micah looked at Alec, the absolute picture of innocence. “What,” Micah asked with eyes just a little too wide and his eyebrows pulled up a little in the middle. “I can’t even make conversation with her?”

‘No,” the other firefighters said in unison, all laughing at the situation and the predictability of Micah. Isabelle laughed along with them and Alec was happy to see her so comfortable with them. Micah slumped back into his seat and with his arms crossed he glared at his comrades.

Isabelle looked at Micah and her mouth pulled into a sly grin. She deliberately leaned forward towards Micah and caught his eyes with her own. Her attention seemed to hypnotise him and his arms uncrossed slowly and he started to mirror her actions; he leaned slightly towards her. The others watched this in curious amusement.

“You’re a pretty boy,” Isabelle crooned, her eyes melting into Micah’s, “but I don’t like it when a guy takes more time than I do in the washroom to get ready.”

There was a pause before the others roared in laughter. Isabelle broke the spell and leaned back into her seat. She smiled smugly at Micah who looked back at her with an equal mix of disbelief, grudging admiration and amusement.

“Well, you’re one of us now,” Bat said to Isabelle as he wiped away the wetness from the corner of his eyes.

“Oh Alec,” Jordan said, “since you’re here, there are a couple of us who want to talk about some scheduling stuff for the next two weeks.”

“Yeah, sure.” Alec got up along with most of the others. “I’ll be right back,” he said to Isabelle.

Most of them went into the side office and only Jace remained.

Isabelle turned to Jace. “So, you’re Jace.”

“The one and only,” he replied.

Isabelle raised her eyebrows slightly. “I see what Alec meant.”

Jace smiled a slow, confident smile. “What, about my irresistible appeal or my breath-taking good looks?”

“About your _charming_ personality,” she replied.

“Ah yes,” he nodded gravely, “then there’s that.”

Isabelle laughed and squinted questioningly at Jace. “How is it that you and my quiet brother get along so well?”

“Honestly,” he said looking at Isabelle, “I really don’t know.” He gave a short laugh. “Somehow we just work. I’ve wondered that too and I think when you put both of us together we reach some sort of an equilibrium.” He shrugged. “We kind of balance each other out.”

“Wow, that’s real deep,” Isabelle replied sarcastically.

Jace laughed. “If you and Alec wouldn’t look like spitting images of each other it would be hard to believe you two are even related. He’s so hesitant and you’re –“

“Crass,” she interjected.

“No, I was going to say bold.”

Isabelle looked away from all the golden curls and the laughter crinkles. She traced routes and labyrinths in the grout holding the brick wall together. “He wasn’t always like this,” she said quieter than before. When her path hit the bulletin board she weaved a path around it as a detour.

“What happened back in New York,” Jace asked, lowering his voice to match Isabelle’s.

Her eyes circled around a brick in the wall, debating her next move. If she turned back then she’d meet the familiar and comfortable border of the wooden bulletin board, but if she continued on she didn’t know what her next obstacle was going to be. She lapped around the brick once more before she turned her back on the bulletin board and hesitantly continued on, testing the stability of the grout.

“They were called to this apartment fire once. It was a high alarm, scary fire. The type that’s better left to the movies rather than real life.” She paused at a roughened corner, debating whether to go left or right. She went right. “They went in to see if there was anyone trapped inside. They split up to check the rooms and the fire was starting to get out of control. Alec was surprised that the chief hadn’t radioed them any orders so he tried to check in with the chief.” Her path stopped at the end of the wall where there was nowhere else to go. She scraped her eyes against the chaffing bricks to swing her gaze back to meet Jace’s. “What Alec didn’t know was that the other firefighters had taken out all the batteries from his radio and his flashlight.”

Jace’s eyes sparked. 

“All the other firefighters were out already, he was the only one left inside. When Alec was convinced there was no one left inside he blindly groped his way outside.” Isabelle paused. Jace looked like he wanted to spring out of his chair and sprint until he burned away all the frustrated energy. He looked at her like he couldn’t believe what she was saying and yet the look of disgust and horror in his eyes proved that he knew this wasn’t just some tale.

“He ended up breaking his right leg when the floor gave away and he plunged down to the floor below.” Her breath stumbled before it righted itself and continued on. “He somehow, half unconscious, managed to drag himself out.” She let out a disgusted huff of a laugh. “Do you know what the kicker is?”

Jace shook his head slightly as if he couldn’t believe there’s more.

“The others knew that the apartment was closed and empty due to upcoming renovations. There was never anyone inside,” she said bitingly.

“Why would they do that,” Jace asked in a whisper.

“They’re idiots. They hadn’t evolved enough as humans to accept differences and they thought that it would just be easier to get rid of it; as if Alec was a book to be thrown away when you got to a part you don’t like.” Isabelle blinked back the tears of anger that threatened to spill over and water her frustration.

Jace turned his entire frame until every inch of him gave Isabelle his undivided, sincere attention. There was no trace of a smile or twinkling tease in his eyes when he looked at her.

“You need to know that we’re not all like that. What they did was...was...,” Jace rooted around for the right word, “...barbaric. Alec is like a brother to us. He’s family. I’d rather snap my fingers off one by one before I’d do that to Alec. We would never, _ever,_ do that to him. Hell, that’s not even a thought that would pass through any sane person’s mind,” he exclaimed. “You don’t need to worry about him, at least not because of what we might do,” he said softly. “He is safe with us. He is safe,” Jace repeated.

Isabelle swallowed back the thick emotions that threatened to rise. She believed him. She couldn’t believe it because ten minutes ago she would have rather trusted the toaster but right then she trusted him. From the way Jace relaxed he must read the conclusion Isabelle had reached.

Voices echoed down the hall as they got closer and Alec and the rest of the firefighters entered the room, all joking and smiles. Jace sat back in his chair and brought his ankle up to rest on his knee. When Alec approached them Isabelle reorganised her features and smiled slightly up at Alec.

“You ready to go,” Alec asked her. “We’ve still got groceries left to buy if we want to eat more than just plates for dinner.”

 

 


	14. Colours and Realizations

Alec was wrist-deep in chicken breasts when the doorbell rang. His hands stilled and he looked up at the sound. Isabelle, who had just been explaining to Alec about the portfolio she had to put together for one of her classes, looked towards the door as she slid off the stool.

“I might as well make myself useful and get that if you’re not letting me help you with the food.” She tossed her hair haughtily as she left.

“Pardon me for not wanting us to spend our night leaning over the toilet,” Alec called to Isabelle as he made a slice in one of the chicken breasts.

“That only happened once. How many times are you going to bring that up?” Isabelle yelled back.

When she opened the door she found a very cold Magnus standing on the welcome mat. He had a bottle of something tucked under one arm and was holding a Tupperware container in the other hand. His face folded into the well-worn grooves of a smile when he saw Isabelle and she couldn’t help but admire his silken emerald scarf, the slightly gelled hair and the way they added texture to his look. A sharp gust of cold air blew past Isabelle and she shivered as it swirled around her. She tugged her shawl tighter around her.

“Hey Magnus, come in, come in,” she took a step back and ushered him in before she shut the door.

He started unbuttoning his coat with his free hand and his fingers fumbled a little. “The heater wasn’t working on the bus,” Magnus explained. Isabelle reached out and took the bottle and the container from Magnus before he accidentally dropped them.

“There,” he declared when he’d finally freed himself from his coat. He let out a breath of accomplishment and smiled newly at Isabelle when she handed back his things. His eyes roamed expertly over her soft yellow shawl.

“That’s such a fetching shawl; the slight shimmer that’s woven through the fabric really accents the piece.”

She laughed. Magnus tilted his head to the side and bemusedly watched her.

“What?”

“It’s just funny because Alec’s more likely to do a pirouette on the Eiffel Tower than notice clothes.”

Magnus chuckled to himself. “He is a little fashion-challenged, isn’t he?”

“When we were young I tried with him but it was kind of pointless. I could never pull him away from all the black and dark blue. For a little while I was convinced he was going to turn into one of those goth kids, maybe without the black eyeliner though. It was hopeless; he dressed like he was going to a funeral every day.” At those words Isabelle’s smile melted and she bit the inside of her lip to prevent a quiver.

“Isabelle?” Magnus ducked his head a little to meet her eyes. “Is everything alright?” Magnus asked slowly, surprised by the sudden change.

She swallowed back her disgust at her own insensitivity and repainted her face of neutral calm. “Sorry Magnus, I was thinking of something else.”

“I’ll get him a rainbow-coloured turtleneck for his birthday,” Magnus said, trying to cheer her up.

Some of the light returned to her eyes and without her permission her lips pulled into a half smile at the mental picture. “You’re going to try and stuff Alec into a rainbow-print turtleneck? You’ll have to send me a picture before he accidentally buries it somewhere in the backyard.”

Magnus narrowed his eyes. “He wouldn’t dare.”

“Just spend a couple more weeks with my brother and you’ll soon find out that he would. Our backyard back where we grew up is a clothes cemetery filled with all the clothes that I tried to get him to wear.”

“Where are you guys?” Alec called from the kitchen. “Did you two get lost on your way here?”

“I’ll force him into a rainbow-print onesie if he ever does that with me,” Magnus threatened under his breath as he followed Isabelle into the kitchen.

Isabelle snorted.

Alec looked up when they walked in and he looked quizzically at Magnus when he saw Magnus’s glare.

“What did I do?”

“Nothing...yet.”

Alec looked back and forth between Isabelle and Magnus in comical confusion. Isabelle snagged a grape and popped it into her mouth as she sat back onto her stool. “Well if any clothes go missing let’s just say Magnus here knows where to look for them, or rather where to _dig_ for them.”

Alec groaned and put down the chicken breast he was stuffing. “You told him about that? Aw Izzy, come on, why?” Magnus sat down in the stool next to Isabelle and his head ping-ponged between the two.

“I’m your little sister. It’s my _job_ to embarrass you in front of the guy you like.”

Magnus grinned to himself when Alec ducked his head and the fire started up in his ears. Isabelle smiled smugly beside Magnus because she’d obviously won that round.

“Oh,” Magnus remembered, “I brought a little something.” He reached over the counter and placed the bottle on the counter. “It’s a non-alcoholic sparkling peach champagne.”

“Wow,” Alec said, taking in the fancy bottle. “They went all-out, didn’t they?”

Isabelle laughed. “I hope they put as much effort into the taste as they did decorating the bottle.”

Magnus saw Alec eyeing the container he was holding. Magnus held up the container. “I also brought some apple tarts.” He placed it on the counter beside the bottle. “I made them myself,” he said proudly.

“Oh yeah?” Alec asked weakly.

“Mh hm,” Magnus affirmed. “I even ground up the eggshells from the eggs I used and added them into the dough so it would be high in calcium.”

Isabelle’s face contorted and looked at Alec in horror.

Alec to his credit remained as polite as ever, even if his smile did flicker a little. “That’s such ahh _unique_ idea.” He picked up the container and held it up so he could see the tarts. Magnus had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. He wondered if Alec was looking for sharp little white jagged pieces to be poking out of the tarts.

He wanted to see how far he could take this. “It adds a nice crunch, almost like biting into a donut covered in chip pieces.” He saw Alec swallow at the description and Isabelle shuddered probably from revulsion. He couldn’t take it; his shoulders started shaking. His stomach tightened and it felt good to let loose the laugh he’d been holding back.

Alec lowered the container in relief and couldn’t help but laugh along; Magnus’s laugh really was infectious. Isabelle pushed Magnus’s shoulder playfully and shook her head at the two of them. “That might have been the singular most disgusting thing I’ve ever thought I’d have to eat.”

“Would you really eat them?” Magnus asked between laughs.

“No.” Isabelle shot back.

“It would have been low on the list,” Alec said when he recovered. “Close to like a Plan X or Y low.”

“What was Plan A going to be?” asked Magnus.

Alec smiled slowly at that, mischievously even. “Sticking them into the oven, _accidentally_ , until they were burnt past the point of salvation.”

“I think they would have already been past the point of salvation,” Isabelle muttered.

* * *

In Isabelle’s words, they’d been ‘banished’ from the kitchen. Magnus didn’t see that as too much of a hardship since both of them would have been next to useless in there anyway. Magnus sat across from Isabelle on a slightly worn armchair and tried to figure out the enigma that was Isabelle while she described New York City.

He knew she was comfortable with him; he could feel it from the way her muscles felt relaxed and her heart rate ambled along instead of sprinting. He knew that. He felt that. Yet, even as she sat there and her muscles molded around the contours of the couch she was sitting on, there was something that tickled the back of Magnus’s mind. If was like someone reached into his skull and brushed the tip of a feather up and down slowly along the back of his brain. It was a faint feeling yet one that could not be ignored; it was a feeling that the person didn’t want to ignore. It was something that the person wanted to be reminded of and made aware of so as to not forget it.

_These Lightwoods have strange mixtures of emotions. They clash and rationally it makes no sense that they’d be feeling those emotions together and yet they do._

Humans were messy. Magnus learned that long ago. You can’t just box up human emotions and stick a label on them because there’s so much more depth than can be captured on a small, white adhesive label. Magnus had accepted that as a quality that made humans so complex and multifaceted but he sometimes wondered if maybe this made us feel _too_ much at the same time. Maybe by feeling everything simultaneously at unequal doses the brain was unable to register and handle all the emotions.

Magnus had this theory. He figured that emotions were like colours. Two colours could come together to create a whole new colour, but you had to be careful when mixing colours. Two of the most beautiful colours can be mixed together to create an ugly colour and yet two of the darkest and unfavourable colours can combine to make a final product that took your breath away. It was all up to the starting ingredients: what colours and in what ratios.

But life had a way of coming along, dipping its finger into all of our colours and making a swirling mess on our hearts. Sometimes life gets the ratios right and the resulting colour sets our hearts aglow. Most often, life gets it wrong and we end up with this murky mess of colour – of emotion – coating and dripping along our insides and we wonder how it is that we ended up like that.

For Isabelle, she was on neither sides of the extreme; for Magnus her combination was just curious. She was comfortable with him, a fact that even she couldn’t deny, and yet the tickle at the back of his mind was the tickle of suspicion. Magnus thought of yesterday, when he’d bumped into Alec and Isabelle on the bus. He remembered the underlying current of distrust that coursed through her when she’d spoken with him. Rationally, he knew that it wasn’t him as a person that Isabelle didn’t trust because she didn’t know him well enough to not trust him. Somehow this tied in with Alec but Magnus wasn’t sure just how.

_Did Alec say something to Isabelle about me that made her not trust me? Maybe Alec doesn’t trust me?_

Magnus wiped the last thought out of his mind because he was sure that that wasn’t the truth. Alec might be slow to open up but he was getting there, and Magnus never pushed him – even if there were times where he just wanted to reach out and pull the story out of Alec like a string.

He focused back on Isabelle and she had just mentioned that Alec was so happy when he got accepted as a candidate to a firehouse that was on the same side of New York as her school was. She kept talking and said that he’d applied to other firehouses across New York but Magnus’s focus snagged on something. Magnus never thought to ask because he just figured that Alec finished the fire academy in New York and just moved to go see another part of the country but it didn’t make sense.

_Why would he leave a job behind and leave his sister who was more like a best friend behind and move to another state? People who’re running do that, but what is Alec running from?_

“How long was he at the firehouse in New York?” Magnus asked. He figured it was an innocent question – it wasn’t as if he just asked Isabelle if she’d ever thought of eating a skunk – but she mentally recoiled as if he had.  She was good at hiding her emotions though. If Magnus didn’t have his special portal into her feelings he would have without a doubt missed the change.

“Oh about half a year,” she replied offhandedly.

_Oh she’s good. She answers the question in such a manner that if I didn’t know better I’d think there’s nothing important in the answer. But it still doesn’t make sense. Why would he stay for such a small amount of time when it’s close to Isabelle and it’s his dream job? Why move when you already have the job you want? It seems selfish and irresponsible of him to him to just leave Isabelle and his job and move so far away but I know him and selfish and irresponsible are not adjectives that belong to him._

Isabelle started talking about some sleepwalking roommate that Alec had but Magnus back-pedaled. “If Alec already had a job why would he move to another state just to get the same position? Why would he leave you?”

_What hasn’t he told me?_

Isabelle shifted lazily on the couch but her mind flipped through emotions like the pages of a scrapbook.

Anxious.  Flip.  Worried.  Flip.  Angry.  Flip.  Sad.  Flip.  Determined.  Flip.  Protective.  Flip.

The fingers of her mind stilled a moment before they flipped back.

She settled on protective. She gazed at Magnus honestly and wet her lips before starting in.

“When Alec first told me about you over the phone, I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t like you.” She held up her hands as if to stop Magnus’s rebuttal but Magnus wasn’t about to say anything. “I know that it wasn’t nice of me because I hadn’t even met you, but the way Alec described you at the beginning made you sound like some sort of player. You seemed like the type to rip out my brother’s heart and have it for breakfast, with maybe a little bit of maple syrup drizzled on top.” She smiled a little to soften the words and Magnus mirrored the smile, telling her that he wasn’t mad.

“I don’t see you like that anymore. I don’t want to scare you away,” her eyes studied Magnus, “somehow I don’t think you’re the type that scares easily anyway, but I think that you’re just right for him. He lives inside his head and sometimes it’s hard to draw him out but you seem to understand that.”

She paused and the silence drew on and Magnus wondered if she was waiting for him to say something.

“You asked me why he moved,” she continued. “You asked me why he would leave a perfectly good job behind – a job he’d dreamed of for so many years – and just move away.” She looked at Magnus and smiled sadly. “I think you know that I’m not going to tell you. I think you know that because you don’t want to hear it from me, you want to hear it from Alec. It’s his story to tell and maybe he won’t tell you all of it at once but I know him and I know that in his way he trusts you.” Isabelle smiled a little at that. “Maybe that’s what made me so wary of you. My brother doesn’t hand out trust like someone would hand out bless you’s after a sneeze. He trusts you and I guess I just wanted to be sure that you didn’t squeeze under his asshat-o-meter and steal his trust.”

Magnus chortled. “Asshat-o-meter?”

Isabelle grinned wickedly.

She launched into the different meters a person needed to have in order to safely navigate this world but Magnus was only half listening. Magnus wanted Isabelle to tell him what happened. He wanted her to answer all the questions he had; he wanted her to help him make sense of Alec and why his eyes sometimes betrayed his smile. He wanted to ask but he knew it wouldn’t be fair – wouldn’t be fair to Alec, to Isabelle. It wouldn’t be fair to him.

He wanted to ask about the sadness and why he sometimes felt it off of Isabelle too.  

* * *

Dinner was an entire affair. Alec had really outdone himself and Magnus felt bad when he looked at all the food because he could only imagine how many hours it took Alec to prepare all this. He said as much but Alec waved his remark and said that they were really all easy and quick dishes to make and that it was only the chicken that took him a little bit of time. For dinner they had a wonderful meal and Magnus thought to himself that it had been years since he’d sat down and had a proper dinner with others.

For the main course Alec had made an oven prepared chicken breast stuffed with peach slices that were wrapped in maple smoked ham. It was delicious, to say the least. As side dishes there were roasted red skin potatoes with rosemary, oven roasted asparagus with a garlic butter sauce and a nice, fresh arugula salad with pear slices. Magnus and Isabelle were not shy and helped themselves to seconds of basically everything.

Alec tried to skirt around the compliments that they paid him but he beamed nonetheless. Magnus felt happy and his happiness magnified because he could feel Alec and Isabelle’s contentment too. It was a perfect night; he was full of delicious food, he was with the guy he really liked and he could feel himself becoming friends with Isabelle.

He reached his hand under the table to the left to where Alec was sitting. He rested his hand on Alec’s knee and Alec startled a little at the unexpected touch, but not enough to get Isabelle’s attention. Alec turned his head and met Magnus’s gaze as he took Magnus’s hand under the table. Magnus gave his hand a little squeeze and it seemed to power his smile because it grew wider. Magnus wanted to bottle everything he was feeling at that moment and label it ecstasy. Everything he was feeling swam together along with the emotions Alec exuded and it was a heady sensation. He wondered if Alec could feel it too: the strength of the emotions that tethered them to each other.

He knew that if they were alone he would have leaned over and kissed him right there. Maybe then Alec would have been able to taste the swirl of emotions that they’d created inside of him. Isabelle’s fork screeched against her plate and it effectively dispelled the trance. Alec let go of his hand, but not before he gave Magnus one more affectionate squeeze.

“I think I’m going to kidnap you and bring you back to my dorm room so you can cook dinner every day,” Isabelle groaned as she finished her last bite and leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes. “Mmmmh, is that okay?” she asked.

They laughed when Isabelle grumbled that it wasn’t a joke. Alec stood up and started collecting plates and Magus helped.

“No, no, please stay,” Alec joked when Isabelle didn’t make any move to get up.

“Don’t mind if I do,” she sighed contently, her head leaned back against the chair and her eyes closed. There was a thread of mischief that Magnus felt coming from her but he couldn’t understand why so he shrugged it aside.

They brought all the dirty dinner plates, glasses and utensils back to the kitchen and set them on the counter beside the sink. Alec started putting the food into smaller bowls so he could fit them into the fridge as Magnus stared guiltily at the pile of dishes.

_Who knew three people could use so much stuff?_

“Dinner was fantastic, Alec,” Magnus leaned against the counter next to where Alec was wrapping up the leftovers.

Alec glanced over and smiled at Magnus. “It was nice to have both of you here.”

“At least let me do the dishes,” Magnus reasoned.

“Don’t worry about them. That’s why we have Dumbledore.” Alec started putting the food into the fridge.

_Dumbledore?_ Magnus blinked and looked around and then could have kicked himself. Of course he wasn’t going to find Albus Dumbledore hanging out in Alec’s kitchen. He looked back at Magnus in confusion. “Dumbledore?”

Alec straightened up and shut the fridge. He smiled widely. “Dumbledore the Dishwasher, of course. He’s magical.”

Magnus sniggled. “I can’t even look at you because the picture’s just too cute. You named your dishwashing machine after a 600 year old wizard from Harry Potter?”

“Well yeah,” he said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, but he smiled a bit to let Magnus see that he knew just how crazy he sounded.

Magnus shook his head. “How crazy was I to think that my boyfriend grew out of his Harry Potter fangirling phase?” he asked, playing along.

“It’s Harry Potter,” Alec deadpanned. “You don’t grow out of it, you grow _with_ it.”

“Ah, right. Right, my bad Dumbledore,” Magnus patted the dishwasher.

Alec snorted. “I can’t believe you just stroked my dishwasher.” Alec’s laughter was venturing over to giggling territory and Magnus could see that Alec was fighting to keep it from going there.

“I did not _stroke_ your dishwasher,” Magnus said affronted, “I merely petted it.”

Alec was definitely in giggleville now. “You say that like it’s a normal thing to do,” he managed to wheeze between giggles.

Magnus couldn’t help but laugh and soon both of them were balancing along the countertop to keep themselves upright.

“Ahh,” Alec sighed, “if Isabelle’s hearing this she’s probably thinking we’ve gone mental in here.”

“And she wasn’t thinking that when she heard you named your dishwasher Dumbledore?”

Alec hiccupped from the laughter. “Point taken.”

“Come on, let’s load Dumbledore up before the plates get all crusty.” Alec started rinsing a plate and lined it up in the dishwasher.

“There’s a sentence that I thought I’d never hear.” Magnus went to stand between Alec and the dishwasher so that Alec could hand him the things and he’d put them into the dishwasher. It was such an everyday normal thing to do and yet it felt different because there two of them. Magnus remembered back to what his grandmother used to always tell him.

“ _Magnus dearie, I want you to know how to do things by yourself so that you’re not relying upon others to get things done. But you listen here, one day you’ll find a person who makes doing the most mediocre of chores, like sweeping, exciting – and all because you two are doing it together. When you find that person you let them know and you hold them close because darling, they don’t come around once every full moon.”_

Magnus would always nod and say, “Yes grandma,” but he never understood how chores could be fun. How can sweeping be fun? Magnus peeked over at Alec who was rinsing a plate and humming to himself, probably without being aware of it, and he knew what his grandmother had been trying to tell him all those times. It was so clear now and Magnus wondered why he’d never realized it before.

_Probably because no one else has made me feel like this before._

It was a quiet realization but it stunned him nonetheless. Alec was different from the few others he’d dated beforehand. With Alec he felt like it didn’t matter how much time they spent together, it was never enough. With Alec he felt a little fizz of bubbles from just being in the same room as him. This was new. It was new and it was also just a tiny bit scary but a lot more electrifying.

Alec nudged his side. “Hellooo? Earth to Magnus.” Alec was holding a plate and he’d probably been waiting for Magnus to take it for some while now but Magnus stared at it unseeingly. His gaze wandered up to Alec’s face and he looked at Alec like he’d never seen him before. In a way, Magnus was seeing Alec differently because it was the first time he’d looked at Magnus since the realization. Alec’s eyebrows crinkled together and he was about to say something when Magnus started leaning forward.

Alec stilled and is eyebrows smoothed out. Magnus didn’t have far to lean and he had a question in his eyes which Alec answered by closing his own. Magnus leaned in a little more and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of Alec’s mouth. Magnus was pulling away when Alec made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat. He placed the plate he’d been holding into the sink with a clatter and grabbed Magnus shirt and pulled him in for a kiss. Magnus was stunned at first but it only lasted for a moment. He returned the kiss and soon the kiss lost some of its initial breathlessness and turned into something breathtakingly tender and soft.

They pulled away and looked at each other in a daze. Magnus almost laughed because Alec’s hair stuck up almost as badly as his.

“Wow, I...ahh... wow,” Magnus went fishing and caught no words. “I wasn’t expecting that,” he said a little breathlessly.

Alec grinned and to Magnus’s amusement he almost looked a little smug. Alec leaned around Magnus and put the last plate into the dishwasher. “I guess Dumbledore saw a little more action than he was bargaining for tonight.”

“Dumbledore and me both,” Magnus countered, his thoughts still a little fuzzy.

Alec grabbed the coconut cheesecake from the fridge and three small plates from the counter and started walking back into the dining room. “Oh Magnus, can you grab three forks and your peach champagne?” he called over his shoulder.

Magnus opened four drawers before he remembered that the utensils were on the other side of the kitchen. He grabbed the bottle off the counter and followed Alec back into the dining room. When they entered the dining room Isabelle looked up and studied the two of them. She smiled slyly as she took in Alec’s disheveled hair and the wet, crumpled fabric at the chest of Magnus’s shirt.

“I guess you two really didn’t need my help with the dishes,” she said innocently and Magnus wondered at the mischief that flared up again inside Isabelle.    

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Sorry it took so long to update :)


	15. Symmetry and Conspiracy

Alec’s phone vibrated in his pocket as he sat in the uncomfortable terminal chair that faced a large window. He startled a little as the unexpected rumble pulled him from his thoughts and he leaned to one side to pull out his phone. He sheepishly hoped that no one had noticed and he highly doubted that anyone had. An airport in the middle of the day was the perfect place to effortlessly disappear.

Alec swiped his thumb to unlock his phone and entered his password. Magnus’s message popped up.

**MESSAGE FROM MAGNUS 12:48 P.M. _Hey, did the two of you make it to the airport on time?_**

Alec smiled lightly to himself. Of course Magnus would remember that Isabelle was flying back today. He just seemed like _that_ type. The type who kept movie stubs from first dates that went well, the type who remembered silly anniversaries like ‘Happy 57th Hug Anniversary!’. It was completely endearing but at the same time it implied expectations, didn’t it? Even if Magnus denied it, Alec knew that he was expected to remember important milestones in their relationship, both big and small. It went without question and Alec remembered a time where he’d wanted the same thing.

Alec thought back to anniversaries and birthdays and in his memories his present self glowered at Ben. Anniversaries were cold and the remembered emptiness smoothed along his memory until he felt as though he was an observer peering at the scene through lonely-tinted glasses. Alec had a lot of memories he wanted to smother and on good days he saw Magnus as capable and armed with a pillow under each arm with a determined gleam in his eyes. But when the bad days rolled through Alec bitterly wondered why Magnus even bothered with someone who had so many cracks. His nightmares, memories, truths – they all threatened to ooze through and Alec spent half his energy running around, patching them up before something ugly dripped under the light.

It was an exhausting task, a thankless task, because as much as he wanted to hide the shaded parts of himself from Magnus he also wanted Magnus to pull at the stitches that held his patches with patient and gentle hands. It was impossible and impossibly selfish for Alec to put such a weighted hope in Magnus.

Alec’s wayward thoughts were righted when his phone’s screen went black from disuse. He pressed a button and Magnus’s message appeared again. He took a breath and made himself see the message the way it was intended, a thoughtful gesture and definitely not an invitation to venture into Memoryville, population 1. His fingers pressed against the screen and he started typing back a response. He thumbed the send button.  

**_We did, thanks for asking. Although we did have to make a mad dash for the bus, Izzy’s polka dotted suitcase flying behind us as we ran._ **

Alec lowered the phone onto his lap and through the window he watched the workers close the last few luggage compartments on the underbelly of the plane. His phone rattled in his hands.

**MESSAGE FROM MAGNUS 12:54 P.M.** **_Haha! I can just imagine the wager that takes place in your neighbourhood._**

Alec squinted at the phone. _Wager??_

**_????_ **

**MESSAGE FROM MAGNUS 12:57 P.M. _On how many times a week you’re seen sprinting past their house like a madman trying to catch the bus. :P_**

Alec snickered.

**_Oh har har. =_=  Aren’t we clever today?_ **

**MESSAGE FROM MAGNUS 12:59 P.M. _I’m clever every day; it’s one of my most attractive qualities. Well that and my symmetrical ears. ;) So where are you now?_**

Alec almost laughed out loud when he read the second line.

**_Isabelle just boarded about 10 mins ago, so I’m still in the airport. And just to note, I think most people have symmetrical ears. It’s one of those physical freebies handed out during the developmental process._ **

**MESSAGE FROM MAGNUS 1:05 P.M. _Please tell me you are not sitting in front of a window in one of those hard plastic terminal chairs and eye-stalking Isabelle’s plane... Oh and have you never seen Picasso’s paintings? I beg to argue that everyone is graced with symmetrical ears._**

Alec shifted in his hard, plastic chair and a tiny part of him simultaneously thrilled and winced at seeing how well Magnus was able to peg him in such a short amount of time. He looked up and noticed that there were fewer workers around the plane and the few that were still there were starting to slowly walk away. He looked back down at his phone and typed back a reply.

**_I am most definitely not watching the plane that my sister boarded while sitting on a chair that may or not be made from really, really uncomfortable material. And are you really going to use Picasso’s ABSTRACT paintings as a way to justify your symmetry ideals?_ **

Movement caught his eyes and Alec looked up to see Isabelle’s plane slowly roll over to the runway. The plane slowed down a little as it lined itself up properly and then it started forward again with more determination. It gained speed and shot down the lined runway until the wheels slowly lifted off the ground and the plane was in the air. Alec saw the tiny wheels tuck into the plane and he watched the plane leave. It got smaller and smaller until it rose above the clouds and disappeared. A small hand of worry un-balled its fingers and a shot of relief swept through him. He hadn’t even known he was worried until he wasn’t.

He looked back at his phone and read Magnus’s reply.

**MESSAGE FROM MAGNUS 1:09 P.M. _I have a theory that they make those chairs purposefully uncomfortable so that people don’t fall asleep and miss their flight. That or the airport company is in liege with the makeup brands that make cover-up. In hindsight I might see the error I made in comparing my beautiful features to art of the abstract variety._**

Alec stood up and smiled fondly as he read the text. He texted back and hit send before he slowly made his way to the exit.

**_I agree with your first theory but your second theory makes me think that maybe you’re revealing a conspiracy-theory-loving side of you that you’ve managed to hide from me. Off the record, there’s something I want to tell you but I don’t know if it’s the right time._ **

Alec dodged people rolling their luggage and side-stepped families running towards each other in happy reunion. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket while he was dancing around crowds of people and an insane amount of baby strollers. Really, the airport seemed to be filled with dozens and dozens of these perfect tripping devices...on wheels. When he was safely outside and far away from the evil clutches of the conspiring strollers he walked over to the not-as-busy bus stop and leaned against the metal frame of the bus shelter. He whipped out his phone huffed out a breath as he read Magnus’s reply.

**MESSAGE FROM MAGNUS 1:14 P.M. _I’m definitely not a conspiracy nut – although I do have some opinions NOT theories about Area 51 and the whereabouts of Elvis. And Alec, you know you can tell me anything, but if you want to wait to tell me I’m ok with that too._**

Biting his lip to keep from laughing, Alec formulated his answer and hit send.

**_“Whereabouts?” You’re one of those people who believe that he’s still alive, aren’t you? Okay, okay *breathe*, I’ll tell you. The first time I saw you on the bus..._ **

**MESSAGE FROM MAGNUS 1:21 P.M. _...yes??..._**

**_I could barely restrain the surge of attraction I felt when I looked at your perfectly symmetrical ears._ **

**MESSAGE FROM MAGNUS 1:23 P.M. _Oh shut up!_**

**_Hehee. :P Wait a sec, aren’t you at work right now? How are we having this texting marathon then?_ **

**MESSAGE FROM MAGNUS 1:25 P.M. _I’m on my lunch break right now although I only have about 5 mins left. Quick, before work swallows me up again, are you free tonight?_**

**_Yeah. Why?_ **

**MESSAGE FROM MAGNUS 1:26 P.M. _I want to show you something. I’ll meet you at your house at around 6:30. Wear LOTS of warm clothes._**

**_Okay, I’ll see you at my place then. :)_ **

**MESSAGE FROM MAGNUS 1:28 P.M. _I have to warn you in advance: I’ll be wearing a hat so please try not to weep from disappointment when you can’t bask your eyes on my ear perfection._**

**_“Ear perfection?” Really, Magnus?_ **

****

 

 

****

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100 kudos?! You guys are awesome!! :)


	16. Beauty and Barbs

Magnus shivered against the cold gust of wind and decided fashion be damned – he pulled the zipper on his coat all the way up. Tucking his chin into the cocoon of warmth the extra 5 inches of protection provided, he realized that tonight really wasn’t the best night he could have chosen to do this. It wasn’t unbearably cold outside, but it was a couple degrees shy of being comfortable. In its own way, it was kind of beautiful, with the snow lightly falling and dancing in the golden light of the streetlamps. Then again, Magnus mused to himself, it really depended on if you were a summer or winter person. Magnus dug his hands deeper into his pockets, trying to put as much distance as possible between them and the outside.

Magnus was definitely a summer person.

Yet even the cold weather couldn’t put a damper on the flutters of excitement. He tried to squish them back into himself so that when Alec answered the door he wouldn’t find a grinning idiot on his front step. What Magnus planned to show Alec wasn’t anything extraordinarily special but it just may be Magnus’ favorite place. Magnus knew that just because he liked it didn’t mean that Alec had to also but Magnus was really hoping that he would.

_That is, if we don’t freeze our asses off before we even get there,_ Magnus grumbled.

The flutters turned into definite beats of butterfly wings as Magnus walked up Alec’s driveway and bounced up the few steps that led to the door. He paused and breathed out a puff of visible air and adjusted his hat with both hands so that at least he now looked like he had eyebrows.

_Eyebrows,_ Magnus snorted as he rang the doorbell. _They have to be the most pointless body part. What do eyebrows even do? I remember my grade 5 teacher saying that eyebrows were meant stop sweat from dripping into the eyes but it wasn’t as if eyebrows were made out of headband material. How much use could a few small hairs really be?_

The opening of the door stalled any further eyebrow musings.

Alec stood before him in a thick, dark blue wool sweater and jeans. His feet, Magnus couldn’t help but notice, peeked out from under the jeans and they were clad in thick thermal socks.

_Great, now there are two grinning idiots_. The thought alone almost made him laugh, but instead Magnus translated the laugh into an even wider smile. He raised one of his uncovered eyebrows ( _oh so that’s what these are for)_ and grinned wickedly at Alec.

“So,” he said slowly, “can I come in or should I just make myself comfortable out here?”

Alec seemed to remember his manners and Magnus felt his body heat up a few degrees from the feel of Alec’s embarrassment.

_Well that was helpful,_ Magnus mused as the warmth made some of the feeling return to the tip of his nose.

“Oh um yeah, of course,” Alec fumbled with his words as he stepped back and Magnus stepped past him.

Alec closed the door and they stood there looking at each other.

“Hi,” Alec said and he pressed his lips together and bit them at the front. It looked like he was trying not to crack into a cheek-cramping smile. Magnus wanted nothing more than to pull him in and hug him, or kiss him, or run his hands up his back and into his hair.

_Oh hell, who am I kidding – all of the above would suit quite nicely._

Instead he smiled back as his own nervous happiness linked arms with Alec’s.

“Hi.”

As if ‘hi’ was the punch-line to the world’s best joke, Alec’s smile widened.

_God he’s adorable!_

“Well as much as I’d love to continue this absolutely tantalizing conversation we should get going soon if we’re going to make it on time,” Magnus suggested.

“Right,” Alec said and he emerged from that dream-like state that held him and Magnus. He opened the closet and pulled out his coat and shrugged it on. He stepped into his boots and laced them up too. When he straightened up he grabbed a hat and a pair of gloves from the top shelf of his closet before he slid the closet door shut. He stuck the gloves underneath his arm as he pulled his black hat on.

“Okay, I’m ready,” he said and took a few steps forward to open the door.

“Woah, wait a second there,” Magnus grabbed the hood on Alec’s coat and pulled him back until Alec was standing in front of him. He studied Alec with a disapproving look.

“What?”

Magnus looked at Alec’s exposed neck and just shivered. And let the records show that no, he did not shiver because he had a neck fetish or he was related to that Cullen family, but rather because he could just _feel_ winter’s cold hands wrap around Alec’s neck.

“You’re going to need a scarf if you’re attached at all to your neck,” Magnus replied to Alec’s questioning look.

“I’ll just pull up my coat.”

"No, trust me; you’ll be pleading for the scarf after a few minutes.”

“Fine,” Alec mumbled and Magnus was pretty sure he heard the word ‘mother’ mixed amongst the sounds.

Alec opened the closet door and pulled out a dark red scarf and wrapped it around his neck.

“There, now let’s go.” Alec made for the door.

Magnus reached out his hand and grabbed Alec’s sleeve as he walked by and pulled him back.

“What now?” Alec asked amused. “Are you going to find me a ski-suit y-“

His words were cut off when Magnus grabbed the ends of Alec’s scarf and pulled him in for a kiss. Alec’s hands framed Magnus’ face and he brushed one of his thumbs against Magnus’ cheek with just the slightest of pressure. Magnus let go of the scarf and his hands traveled around Alec to his back and he dragged his fingers down until he reached the middle of Alec’s back. He pulled Alec even closer and Alec let out a small moan.

The feelings heightened Magnus’ pleasure and not only because it was like feeling everything he was feeling _squared_ but because he knew that Alec was enjoying this just as much as he was. He was making Alec feel all those things and a primeval part of Magnus thrilled. Magnus’ hands grabbed fistfuls of clothing and were left with handfuls of Alec’s squishy, down-filled coat. Magnus smiled against Alec’s lips.

_This is quite like two marshmallows feeling each other up._

Alec languidly traced the outline of Magnus’ jaw with his fingertips as he pulled back the smallest of millimeters.

“Why didn’t we just start with that?” Alec sighed.

“Mmmmh, because we’d rather say hi and smile at each other like 12 year old girls,” Magnus murmured back, their lips so close that Magnus’ lips brushed against Alec’s when he answered.

They closed their eyes and shared the air.

“We really should get going to have any chance of making it on time,” Magnus whispered after a few moments of shared comfort.

They pulled apart, quite reluctantly and stepped outside.

* * *

“Do you want to tell me why we’re sitting on a park bench in the middle of winter?” Alec looked over to Magnus.

They were sitting on a park bench as the snow continued its lazy descent. Surrounding them were dozens and dozens of bare, ancient trees. These trees were so old that it would probably take three people linking hands in order to stretch around the trunk. They seemed to stretch up forever, their limbs reached every which direction. It was dark where they were sitting; the sun had set long ago and the only light came from a small streetlamp behind them.

“There’s less than a minute left,” Magnus said in ways of a reply as he angled his wrists so the faint light would illuminate his wristwatch. He could barely sit still. He couldn’t wait to see the look on Alec’s face. The biting wind would be well worth it.

“Ten, nine, eight, seven,” Magnus’s gaze was locked on his watch as he started to count down, “six, five, four,” he looked up from his watch and looked over at Alec because he wasn’t going to miss his face, “three, two, one.”

He didn’t miss when Alec’s look turned from one of confusion to one of awe. Magnus wondered if Alec realized that his breath had escaped him when he slowly turned his head away from Magnus to take in the trees.

Every single tree was adorned with hundreds and hundreds, if not thousands, of coloured Christmas lights. From their lowest hanging branches to almost their very tips, they glowed and swayed in the windy winter’s night. Each tree had only one colour of lights so as you look across the park it looks like a sea of colours floating in the night.

Alec looked out to his left and followed the glow of lights to the far right. His gaze slid from the trees to Magnus’ face. Magnus could see the twinkle of lights reflected in Alec’s eyes.

“My God, Magnus,” Alec said in a hushed voice, as if the lights would flicker out if he spoke normally.

“I know,” Magnus replied in a whisper. He leaned back on the bench and looked at the trees. Sometimes Magnus liked to imagine what type of personality each tree would have based on its colour.

“It’s beautiful,” Alec whispered reverently. He slid closer to Magnus and took Magnus’ gloved hand in his own and settled their hands on the small bit of bench that separated them. He gave Magnus’ hand a squeeze and Magnus looked over at him and saw that the lights in Alec’s eyes were not only reflections. They also shone from within.

They sat there together on the cold park bench as the even colder wind nipped at their warmth, but they didn’t seem to mind because the lights filled them up.

“During the winter,” Magnus started, “I come here whenever I’m having a bad day or I just need to think. They come on at the same time each day but they stop at the end of March.”

“Did you have a bad day today?” Alec asked.

Magnus smiled. “No, but I wanted to show you this just in case you ever have one.” Magnus paused. “It’s always been the place I’ve come to get away from it all. I think everybody needs one of those places. I’d be happy to share it with you.”

Alec looked over at Magnus. The feel of comfortable curled up in the small space between them. He squeezed Magnus’ hand because he didn’t want to break the moment with the roughness of jagged whispers.

And so they sat there surrounded by their silence that was punctuated with whispers here and there. They tried to breath in the wisdom of the trees and the joyfulness of the swaying lights. When Magnus closed his eyes and let his head drop to Alec’s shoulder he could still see the faintest glow of the lights on the back of his eyelids.

* * *

_He found himself walking along a path and he followed the spidery blue and red paths that led to the centre. By the time he reached the point where all the paths converged he felt a little dizzy from all the turns the paths took in order to get him there. He stood in front of the fence that seemed to shrink and grow undecidedly before his very eyes and he saw the barbs that sparkled in the dark. They seemed to shine like the blinking yellow lights he saw whenever he had to drive through a school district – a warning to slow down, to be cautious, to look twice. A barrier this impenetrable must be protecting something quite valuable, Magnus mused._

_And so he looked past the fingers of the fence that locked digits and prevented him from moving forward. He looked past the pieces of sharp metal with eyes that shimmered and seemed to glower at him like the eyes of hundreds of wild beasts. Only when he looked past all the wrapping did he see what lay within and Magnus sighed, for he had been correct._

_In the centre lay the most beautiful building Magnus had ever seen. It was almost the shape of an oval, but it was tilted to the left a little and there were so many blue and red chimneys coming off the top. It was really four big rooms that joined hands to form the building. The rooms, they pulsated. The blue chimneys sucked in smoke from the sky and the most breathtaking light would shine from the windows of the top two rooms. He followed the track of the light as it traveled down to emerge from the bottom two rooms. Then, as Magnus looked up, he saw the red chimneys breath out stars._

_Bright, beautiful, twinkling stars._

_Magnus laughed from delight as he saw it all happen again. In went the smoke, bright dazzles of light and then out shot the stars. As he watched from behind the fence he wished he could turn himself into a particle of smoke so he could float above the fence that kept him grounded and maybe, just maybe, he would he sucked in by a blue chimney. He wanted to be kissed by the light and dance through the two storey building until he was expelled as a shining star into the midnight sky._

_He noticed how sometimes the lights would flash quicker and the stars would come faster – the rhythm interrupted. Whenever it did so, he couldn’t help but watch as the fence grew higher and higher and as Magnus squinted up, he wondered if maybe the fence and the stars were friends and they just missed each other? But then the lights would slow back down to their usual pattern and the fence would walk back down to be closer to the earth than to the sky._

_The fence intrigued Magnus. He started walking alongside the perimeter of the fence and he wondered why the fence needed to be there in the first place. Surely no one would harm something so beautiful, he thought as he looked at the throbbing building. There couldn’t have been too many building that swallowed ugly and breathed out beautiful, could there? Most buildings he saw breathed in beautiful and spat out ugly, but this one was different. It must get lonely, he thought, to be the only one who cared about replacing the stolen beauty._

_He felt that in that moment he wanted to place a hand on the building, just to lend strength – and selfishly, to feel in a tangible physical way, what beauty truly felt like under his trembling fingertips. The feeling was something fierce and it vibrated inside Magnus until he felt himself running alongside the fence, looking for an opening –a crack, a sliver, a weakness – anything that would allow him to crawl through. Soon he found himself back where he started, for the fence only protected the building and the building was not big to begin with. He found no openings to slither through._

_Not willing to give up, he ran the circle of the perimeter of the fence again as the lights from the building blinked, unaware of the man who circled it. When he’d once again finished a full circle and still found nothing he looked at the fence and panted. The building was life and the fence seemed to grow and shrink of its own accord so maybe the fence could understand, Magnus reasoned._

_“Please, I promise you on everything that I am that I don’t want to hurt the building. If you could just let me in,” Magnus pleaded just a little desperately to the fence. The twinkling metal of the barbs followed him with their eyes as Magnus paced in front of the fence._

_“I just want to know what it feels like to swallow light,” he whispered._

_It was in that span of time, as the fence turned a deafened ear, that Magnus’ desperation might have turned to insanity._

_He threw himself at the fence in hopes of climbing over with minimal wounds but as soon as he did the fence sank its sharp metal teeth into him. They pierced his flesh and tore at his clothes and poked holes in his sanity. He squirmed and thrashed and tried to break free but all he succeeded in doing was driving the hungry barbs deeper into his skin. They truly flash like monsters’ eyes now, Magnus thought of the barbs, because they didn’t shine metallic silver, they shone ruby red._

_Magnus thought about how foolish he was to think that he could get past the fence. He wondered why he’d thought that he’d be special enough to be allowed access to something that was so beautiful that it demanded such passionate protection._

_A voice broke through all the smoke and stars and blood. It struck him as a familiar voice. It came from within the fence, from the building itself._

_“I was going to let you in, you know,” it said sadly. “I was going to send the smoke through the air to brush along the blades of grass by the fence. Once the fence got tickled by the grass it would have lowered to let you in.”_

_Magnus was afraid to blink. He was afraid to breathe lest the sound would obscure the voice or the motion would drive him further into the fence._

_“Couldn’t you do that now?” Magnus asked the air as he watched the lightshow produced by the building. The light turned blue, almost as if it were sad._

_“No, I can’t,” the voice whispered and the stars that the building blew out turned into raindrops. “Once the fence tastes blood it remembers the person. It will never let you by now that it has your blood on its lips.”_

_“But I would never hurt you,” Magnus cried miserably._

_“I know you wouldn’t,” the voice replied quietly, “but there are other people who’ve tried.”_

_And that was when Magnus realized why the voice was so familiar._

_It was Alec’s voice._

“Magnus?” the same voice whispered. A hand squeezed his own and he took a deep breath through his nose. He smelled laundry soap, citrus shampoo and something that was so unquestionably Alec. He blinked his eyes open and realized he’d fallen asleep with his head on Alec’s shoulder and his nose stuck into the scarf at Alec’s neck. He straightened himself and winced at how stiff his neck had gotten in the cold.

Alec smiled at him. “Maybe we should start heading back while we still have some feeling left in our feet?”

Magnus smiled back sleepily. “S’probably a good idea.”

As they got up and walked out of the park Magnus slipped his arm through Alec’s.

“What were you dreaming about?” Alec asked.

Magnus wrinkled his brow and thought of lights and blood but the more he tried to think of it the faster it slipped away.

“You know, I can’t remember.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone for all their lovely comments and for all those who are reading!


	17. Meetings and Comics

“What’s so funny?”

Alec looked over the rim of the newspaper at Jace. He tried to cough away his dazed smile but from the way Jace studied him he knew that he wasn’t being really effective. He looked away from squinty-eyed Jace and back to the safety of the newspaper.

“Just a funny article,” Alec said.

Alec gave a yelp of protest when the paper was snatched from his hands. He tried to grab it back but Jace was too fast and he’d already sat down. Alec watched the confusion that tainted Jace’s face as he studied the page. Jace looked up at Alec with his eyebrow and his argument cocked and ready.

“ _’Experts Are Predicting An Increase Of 2.5% In The Price Of Oil In The Next Five Years’”_ Jace read. The look he gave Alec seemed to say ‘well that one didn’t work, what’s your next excuse?’  

The only problem was that Alec didn’t even know the _truth_ of why he was so dopey so how was he supposed to make a lie? How was he supposed to explain to Jace that the reason he grinned at the newspaper as though he’d taken Benadryl was because he felt light enough to float away? How was Jace supposed to understand when he didn’t even know about the weight of Alec’s past that eagerly pulled at each of his steps?

And just how in the hell was he supposed to explain to Jace that he’d turned into a moony-eyed sap because of dancing lights, cotton linens and time spent next to Dumbledore?

Jace, who was still studying Alec, lowered the paper to the table and a look of wicked realization lit on his face.

“You met someone, didn’t you?” Jace asked. “That’s why you’re so,” he waved his hand at Alec across the table while he looked for the right words, “full of smiles and giggles.”

Alec looked indignant. “I do not giggle.”

Jace grinned devilishly. “I’ll take that as a yes.” He leaned back in his chair and got comfortable. “Between moving and starting a new job, when did you have the time to meet anyone?”

Alec fidgeted in his chair. He was completely aware that other than the times that Jace brought up his girlfriend Clary they’d never talked about their love lives. Alec knew that Jace was okay with him being gay but he never wanted to push his luck. Maybe Jace was okay with the _idea_ but once Alec would start talking about actual boyfriends Jace would squirm out of his chair and out of his life.

Alec treaded lightly. “We met on my first day of work on the bus.”

Jace looked mildly offended.

“Are you kidding me? You met him so long ago and you’re only telling me about him _now_?”

Alec smiled weakly. “Well as you pointed out, I _was_ pretty busy with the move and the new job.”

Jace rolled his eyes.

“So...?” Jace asked as he looked at Alec with raised eyebrows.

“So.” Alec repeated and rolled the end of his sleeve with two fingers. He watched the loose thread at the seam of the sleeve twirl in the air.

Jace leaned across the table and smacked Alec upside the head with his rolled up newspaper. “So tell me about him,” he said as if he was annoyed that he actually had to ask.

“Well his name is Magnus,” Alec started slowly. “He’s a resident psychiatrist over at the hospital.”

“Makes sense – that he was on the bus so early,” Jace commented.

“Yeah, he sat next to me on the bus almost every day and eventually we started talking,” Alec shrugged. “He’s nice.”

When Alec didn’t offer any more Jace spoke up.

“' _He’s nice’?”_ Jace repeated in disbelief. “Really, that’s all you’re going to tell me? Alec, sunny days are _nice_ , a perfectly toasted piece of bread is _nice_ , not having to wait in line at the washroom is _nice_. Getting information out of you is like trying to get your dignity back after you walk out of the washroom with a piece of toilet paper stuck to the gum on the bottom of your shoe. It’s hard work,” Jace teased but it was completely without malice.

Alec laughed a little at the description Jace used. He felt a tickle of affection for Jace. He knew that Jace was trying to loosen him up a little and prove to him just how much he didn’t care that Alec’s belle was in fact a beau.

“I’m trying, Jace,” Alec admitted honestly. “I’ve never had a friend who I could talk to about these sorts of things, other than Isabelle anyway.” He paused and looked away from Jace to collect and arrange the words he wanted to use because Jace deserved his honesty. He wondered if the universe was trying to give him an olive branch by putting Jace and Magnus into his path – two people with unconditional patience.  

“This whole give and take of information is a little new to me and I guess a part of me is waiting for you to raise your hand and tell me that you’ve heard enough.”

Alec looked back at Jace and he saw specks of sadness in his eyes. But then Jace blinked and the look disappeared. Maybe he’d imagined it.

“Well then I guess we’ll just have to practise,” Jace said as he smoothed out the newspaper. “I’m in the habit of asking my friends questions and conveniently enough, also in the habit of listening to them reply.” He thumbed the paper over to the second page and his eyes scanned the headlines. “You know Micah once told me that he kissed a llama when he lost a bet to Bat? The llama spat in his face – can’t say I blame the llama for having higher standards.” He glanced up at Alec. “After that, not too much phases me.” The intensity of Jace’s gaze conveyed his message a moment longer before it returned to the paper.

A balloon of warmth grew and expanded Alec’s heart.

_Who knew that sarcastic Jace would become such a fierce friend?_

Without looking up, Jace said, “You don’t have to say anything else if you don’t want to but just answer me this: is Magnus anything like Ben?”

Alec was surprised that Jace remembered. He shook his head and automatically rejected the comparison because, really, there was no comparison. Ben didn’t even deserve to have his name lie on the same page as Magnus’. Where Magnus was the stars that speckled the sky, Ben was the black space between.

“No,” Alec voiced, “Magnus is nothing like Ben.

“That’s all I needed to know. I figured he wasn’t anyway,” Jace grinned over at Alec, “judging from just how amusing the increase in oil was to you.”

Alec felt some colour rise to his face. “Shut up,” he muttered but he couldn’t help but reflect Jace’s smile. He grabbed his paper back and flipped to the comics section at the back.

This time he would have a valid excuse.

* * *

Bat gave the horn two quick hits when the car in front of the firetruck stubbornly refused to pull to the side. The driver finally got the hint and maneuvered over to the shoulder and they sped past.

Bat shook his head as his eyes scanned the roads. He squeezed between two stopped cars.

“How is it that someone can miss a big, blaring, red firetruck when it’s on their fender?” Bat muttered. He stopped at an intersection and surveyed the traffic; satisfied that all the cars were going to remain still he drove through the red light.

“We always run into one of them,” Jordan said from beside Micah as he adjusted his gear.

Jace snorted from back where he had his legs stretched out as far as the space allowed. “They probably all know each other, maybe even hold regular meetings to discuss the perfect technique to use when frustrating firefighters.”

Alec and Jordan laughed while Bat just tutted.

Alec looked away from the road that was speeding by outside the window and turned his head towards Jace. “You think they have their own AA meetings?” Alec asked. “Annoying Anonymous,” Alec clarified when both Jace and Jordan gave him blank looks.

They laughed while Bat turned off the road and pulled up in front of the retirement home they were called to.

“I would have used another word instead of ‘Annoying’ – it also begins with an ‘A’,” Bat muttered as they all grabbed their helmets and gear and jumped out of the truck.

When Alec was on the street he looked up at the building. He saw the smoke that blackened the air outside the third story windows on a corner of the building. He was relieved to see that there were a lot of residents already crowding the soccer field that the retirement home looked upon. There was a fine trickle of staff leading and in some case wheeling some of the elderly away from the building.

Alec hurried to the back of the truck and helped Bat unpack the hose and pull it over to the hydrant. He saw the chief nod a thanks to one of the staff members and turn away from her to stride determinedly towards them.

“We got lucky,” the chief informed them. “Most of the residents and staff are at an outing right now. The staff said they looked through the rooms on the first and second floors but they couldn’t get to the rooms on the third floor.”

The chief squinted up at the building and took in the scene with expert eyes.

“Alec and Jace, you two sweep the third floor.” The chief looked at them. “Split it up and make sure you do a careful sweep – many of these residents can’t walk by themselves and most of them can’t hear very well. Not a very good combination right now.”

The chief turned away from them to look at Bat and Micah. Alec and Jace took their cue and headed towards the entrance, positioning their helmets as they went. Once inside Alec could tell that the fire was still in its early stages and hadn’t spread too much yet. That was not reason enough to get confident though because fires were famous for growing at exponential speeds. They encouraged the last few staff members heading towards the exit to keep going as they crossed paths. The smoke was noticeable but ignorable on the first floor but as they climbed the stairs Alec noted the difference in air quality.

When they stepped into the hallway of the third floor, the smoke was like a silk scarf that hung suspended in the air but was slowly starting to float down. The alarm was still blaring and there the emergency lights also flashed on the walls along the corridor.

_Probably for those hard of hearing._

Alec looked at Jace. “I’ll go left,” he shouted through the thickness of his helmet.

“Are you sure?” Jace shouted back.

Alec knew why he asked. If Alec took left then he’d reach the heart of the fire first. That was a big step for a candidate.

He waved his hand for Jace to go. “Yeah, I’ve got it.”

And he knew he did. He looked at the smoke-filled hall and a cool wave of capability washed over him. He trained for situations like these for years and every call they answered just added to his growing arsenal of experience. It was easy to do his job and put himself into situations like these when he knew that the others watched out for him. Not even a tightrope walker performed without a safety net.

They both turned and went their respective ways. The light on his helmet desperately battled with the smoke and raked its searching strength along the floor. With the alarm lights blinking among the smoke Alec almost felt as if he were at some cheesy rock concert. The shriek of the alarm echoed vaguely in his head, muffled only by the thoughts of searching under beds, behind tables and inside closets.

He searched through room after room to find them blessedly empty. He felt the sweat trickle down the ridges of his spine until it was drunk up by the waistband of his pants. Even though the bulk of his gear prevented him from feeling the intensity, Alec reasoned it was getting hotter as he ventured closer to the fire.

He shouldered open the door to the next room and the fire inside the room grew. Powered by the fresh dose of oxygen the flames took a bigger bite of the curtain and smacked its lips as it tore into the wooden dresser that Alec noticed was oddly pulled away from the wall. A spark of suspicion rose in Alec’s mind but he wasn’t really sure what had triggered it.

He crouched down and scanned his flashlight along the floor and his attention snagged on a shape that was on the ground on the other side of the bed. Alec righted himself and plowed through the room and walked around the foot of the bed only to find a cello case. He breathed out a quick breath and refocused his thoughts to the rest of the room.

His eyes trained on the messy bed for a moment as he squeezed back out at the foot of the bed on his way to search the bathroom. His headlight jumped on the bed and briefly illuminated something that made him stop again. With his flashlight out he leaned in closer and confirmed his suspicion.

It was blood.

And a lot of it too.

There was a substantial amount of blood painting the white blood sheets scarlet, outlining the area where a person’s torso would lie.

Alec frowned at what he was seeing. It didn’t make sense. What happened and where was the person? They couldn’t have gotten far after losing so much blood.

He thumbed his radio. “Chief, there’s a bed here in room 312 that has a lot of blood on it.”

His radio cackled before the chief’s voice cut through.

“Did you find anyone in the room?”

“No,” Alec replied, “but I’m still looking.”

Alec looked away from the bed and his attention was once again stolen by the burning dresser. The flames were growing in strength and the light from the fire bounced around. This time it bounced off something that made Alec run towards it.

From this angle Alec saw two feet sticking out from behind the dresser.

Alec saw the burned and soot covered man squeezed between the wall and the dresser. He grabbed the thin ankles of the elderly man and pulled him out and away from the dresser. His eyes didn’t miss the fact that the man’s shirt was swimming in red.

_It’s a stab wound. What the hell?_

Alec quickly crouched down beside the man and tore off his gloves to search for a pulse. He was relieved to feel the faint pound of a heartbeat against his fingers. Coupled with the blood loss and the swollen airways he was surprised that he even had one.

With the hand not feeling the man’s wrist, Alec reached for his radio.

“Chief, I’m coming out with a man who looks – “

Something hard and solid hit Alec in the middle of his back and it threw him into the wall in front of him. His head smacked hard against the inside of his helmet when his head hit the wall. He blinked against the darkness that was eating away at his vision and the pain that laced from his nose.

He was pulled back abruptly and Alec was too dizzy to catch himself before he sprawled backwards on the carpet, perpendicular to the other man. Something warm and fluid wept down the sides of his face and into his mouth. He swallowed back the nausea. He squinted against his unfocused vision and wondered why there was blood dripping down the inside of his visor.

His helmet was torn off his head and the movement triggered a wave of dizziness so strong that it left him gagging. The smoke tore a path to his lungs that left him tearing up and coughing. Alec coughed and hacked against the smoke and the movement made the darkness reappear.

Alec strained for breath as he watched copies of his own face swim above him. He blinked and the motion erased all of the faces save for one.

The person wore his helmet and peered down at him.

“Sorry buddy, I wasn’t planning on doing this.” The muffled voice came from behind the helmet.

_I need to get up. I need to attack him. Swing my legs and maybe knock him down. I need to keep him here until the others can come._

Alec’s mind screamed at his legs to move.

His legs didn’t listen.

He told himself to do something – anything, but those black splotches were starting to commandeer his vision and his breath barely whistled through his lungs.  

With all the strength and oxygen he had left he willed his leg to kick out but it only dragged along the floor.

 _I’m going to get a late fee from the library_ , was Alec’s thought before he thought no more.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Horrible cliff-hanger, I know. I'll try and post an update soon though.  
> I also wanted to give a quick little shout out to Silvia_Phenora who figured out that the building from last chapter's dream was in fact a heart!


	18. Blood and Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think you guys'll mind that the update came fast. :P

Magnus said good bye to the patient and stepped out of the room. He leaned against the wall of the ER hallway to write his professional conclusion into the patient’s file. He closed the file and stuck it under his arm as he waded through the busy ER towards the elevators. He pushed the up arrow, stuck his hands into his pant pockets and waited.

_Maybe I’ll treat myself and buy one of those yummy pasta salads from the cafeteria for lunch. I should probably pick up something from the store on my way home – there’s not much I can make from the butter and pickles in my fridge. I bet Alec would be able to whip up something fantastic._

He smiled to himself at the thought of Alec messing around in his kitchen. He wondered why Alec hadn’t been to his place yet.

_I’ll have to rectify that._

“Hey Magnus, are you done already?”

Magnus looked to the left and saw Dr. Carstairs coming towards him.

“Yeah, your patient’s mentally sound, just in a bit of shock. It’ll pass once he realizes that it could have been worse than accidentally hitting a racoon.”

Jem smiled. “Oh I don’t know; he’s one of those heavy-duty environmentalists. You should have heard the ruckus he made when he was wheeled in. He kept saying, ‘I hit it, oh God, I hit it. It just came out of nowhere. It was so small.’ For a sinking moment I thought that he’d hit a child.”

“I was trying to put it into perspective for him,” Magnus added.

“Well thanks for coming down anyway, Magnus.”

"It’s what I do,” Magnus said with a laugh. He looked at Jem. “I bet you wished it was Tessa who came down for the consult.”

Jem started and Magnus bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from smiling at the slight flush that rose in Jem’s face.

Jem adjusted his already perfectly positioned stethoscope around his neck. “I don’t know what you mean?” Jem said but it came out as more of a question.

Magnus couldn’t help the smile that slipped through his teeth. “Oh, okay. Sure you don’t.”

“But now that you brought it up,” Jem tried in a deliberately casual tone, “where is Dr. Gray?”

“She had a scheduled appointment with one of her patients. I’m sure the fact that she was visibly trying to restrain her dismay when she had to hand your consult over to me was just pure coincidence,” Magnus said wickedly.

This pulled a smile out of Jem. He opened his mouth to say something when the doors to the ambulance bay flew open. By instinct, Jem ran towards the paramedics. The paramedics started listing the patient’s stats before Jem had even got there. They started rolling the stretcher towards Magnus and he flattened himself against the wall. With the two paramedics, the nurses and Jem rushing alongside the gurney Magnus couldn’t see the patient’s face.

Magnus’s elevator dinged and opened its doors. He got in and pressed the button for the 12th floor and settled in as the elevator doors began to close. The doors had almost shut completely when a realization passed through Magnus and it had him scrambling to shove his hand in the space where the doors hadn’t closed yet. The doors flinched away from the hand.

Magnus stepped out and stared after the path that the gurney had taken.

Magnus knew the feel that washed through him when the gurney was wheeled past him.

He knew that default feel – that kindness and honesty surrounded by currents of sadness.

It was Alec’s.

_But no, it can’t be Alec. What would he be doing here?_

His feet heavy with denial followed the path that the gurney had taken while his head tried to prepare him for the truth. He allowed himself to be swept down the noisy hallway by his own sense of desperation. He wanted to mute everything and everyone; he wanted to tell the person speaking over the PA system to just shut the hell up because it all pulled at his concentration. And right then all he wanted was for those familiar spikes of feels to come bouncing through the door and tug him into a hug. But more than that he wanted the owner of those feels to wrap his corporeal arms around him and do him one better.

_No, stop it! I don’t even know that it’s him. Just shut up a second, find the damned door and see for yourself that it’s someone else. Someone else who has a very similar default,_ he told himself.

He bumped into an orderly and mumbled a quick absentminded apology. He jogged down a hallway that branched off the main one and grew increasingly frantic with each step. He couldn’t find the default. He couldn’t feel it.

_There’s only two reasons why it would disappear._

He stopped and covered his face with his hands while he tried to take a calming breath.

_Okay okay okay okay. 1. Find the person. 2. Look at the person’s face. 3. Decide what to do from there._

Magnus turned and jogged back to the main hallway and turned away from the direction he’d come from before. He ignored everyone as he walked up the hall and focused his mind on the feels.

He felt someone’s grief. He walked a few steps and that grief dissolved into another person’s elation. He ignored these loud, persistent feels and concentrated to feel the more demure defaults. He’d taken two handfuls of steps when he felt the default. Once again Magnus thought, _Alec._

He played his own game of Hot and Cold and followed the default until if felt stronger. His feet led him around a duo of nurses having a conversation to a room on the right.

He looked through the rectangular window on the door and he’d pushed his way through before his eyes had even registered the face. He’d seen enough.

He’d seen the firefighter issued protective pants.

Jem looked up at his loud and unexpected entrance. His fingers were in Alec’s sweaty hair and his long fingers felt along his skull.

“Magnus. Magnus?” Jem shot Magnus a confused look before he looked back down at Alec. “What are you doing here?”

Magnus didn’t see his look and he ignored his questions.

“Alec? Alec?” Magnus rushed over and he wanted to grab his hand just to feel him and convince himself that it was real but his hand wavered. He didn’t want to hurt him by chance.

Jem took a small flashlight out of his breast pocket and gently thumbed open one of Alec’s unconscious eyelids. He flashed the light quickly across Alec’s eye.

“Do you know him?”

_What a stupid question. Of course I know him. Does he think I rush through hospital room after hospital room crying ‘Alec’ every day?_

Magnus closed his eyes for a beat and brushed away that surge of misplaced frustration.

“He’s my – we’re – “

Jem looked up at Magnus and his eyes softened.

“Magnus, I don’t think you should be in here right now.” Jem pulled Alec’s protective coat open to reveal a t-shirt and brushed his fingers over Alec’s ribs one by one.

He looked at Alec and tried to remember how to breathe. There was blood, so much blood, covering Alec’s face. His eyes were closed, but maybe that was a good thing. At least this way he couldn’t see just how much blood was covering him. Blood didn’t bother Magnus, he worked in a hospital for crap’s sake. But somehow it was different when it was Alec’s blood. It was just too much. Too red.

Too real.

He wanted to wash away all the blood because what if Alec opened his eyes _right now_ and felt the crusty remains of his own fluid coating his face?

“What happened,” and Magnus was amazed at how steady his voice was.

“I don’t know,” Jem replied as he listened to Alec’s lung sounds. “All I know is that he got hurt on call. Blow to the head, fractured nose, smoke inhalation and possible cracked rib.” He looked at Magnus and softened his voice. “Trust me, Magnus, it looks far worse than it is.”

“So he’ll be alright, right?”

Jem looked at him earnestly. “His lung sounds are getting better as we speak,” he said nodding towards the oxygen mask that was strapped to Alec’s face. “His nose and ribs will be uncomfortable but completely manageable.” Jem hesitated and Magnus didn’t miss it. “It’s just his head wound that we’ll have to keep an eye on. They can be tricky sometimes but we’ll keep him overnight for observation.”

Jem looked at him steadily. “He’s going to be okay, Magnus.”

_You can’t say that,_ Magnus wanted to shout. _You can’t make assurances like those._

As health care providers it was drilled into them to never make those types of confident declarations. Even if it’s what the person desperately wanted to hear. Needed to hear. Magnus nodded but his mind wasn’t all there. Maybe part of him was still wandering the hallway.

“Why don’t you go for a walk,” Jem said gently. “Get something to eat, grab a coffee. It’s a little crowded in here and there’s not much you can do to help right now. I’ll tell Tessa,” he added.

Magnus nodded mutely and turned to walk out the way he came in. Well perhaps not the same way he’d come in. He’d burst in with worry and now he dragged himself out the door with worry.

Maybe it was more alike than he’d thought.

“I’ll text you when we move him and you can visit,” Jem said after him.

Magnus turned and looked at Jem’s soft, concerned eyes and he knew he wouldn’t want any other doctor working on Alec.

So he left Alec’s hand lying on the table, left Alec in Jem’s capable hands and reached his tired, slightly shaking hand out to push the swinging door. He wanted nothing more than to lean his back against the wall and slide down and maybe find some composure closer to the tiled floor. Before the door had even swung shut behind him a man in complete firefighter gear rushed over to him.

“How is he doing? Do you have an update yet, doctor?” The man’s determined eyes seared through him, willing information out of him.

Magnus shook his head at loss for words. “I’m sorry. I’m not a physician.”

The firefighter frowned and looked pointedly at his white coat.

“I’m a psychiatrist at this hospital,” Magnus explained.

The firefighter nodded and ran a tired hand through his wild blond curls. His hand stopped midway through the motion and he looked Magnus over.

“Are you Magnus?”

Magnus started out of surprise.

“Uhh, yes.”

“Alec told me about you,” he said with a tired smile. “I’m Jace, I don’t know if Alec’s –“

“Oh yes,” Magnus cut in, “he’s mentioned you quite a few times.”

Jace looked past Magnus at the door behind him. “Did the doctor tell you anything? They haven’t told us anything since they’ve brought him in.”

“Us?”

Jace looked at Magnus. “Yeah, the rest of the truck is in the waiting room.”

Magnus was touched at how much they cared about Alec.

Magnus told Jace what Jem had told him. He saw Jace’s eyes cloud over with worry when Magnus told him what Jem had said about Alec’s head wound.

“If I was hurt and I could choose my doctor, I’d choose Dr. Carstairs,” Magnus told Jace honestly. “He’s kind and good; he’ll take care of Alec.” He was surprised how much that reassured himself. Some of the tension Jace was holding leaked out of him too.

Jace didn’t make a move and truth be told, Magnus didn’t want to walk away from Alec either. He was perfectly happy playing sentinel along with Jace.

“What happened?” Magnus asked.

Jace leaned his head back against the wall and looked to the ceiling for answers.

“We were called to a fire at a retirement home. When we got there Alec and I went up to the third floor and searched for anyone who got trapped. We split up.” Jace raked both hands roughly through his hair. “I heard Alec radio the chief about finding blood on a bed and he was starting to radio something else when he cut off. I knew that was weird because my radio was still working fine so his signal obviously wasn’t being impeded. I heard the chief try to get him back on but we heard nothing from Alec. Jordan said he’d come up from the second floor and check it out but I was closer.”

Jace closed his eyes and Magnus wasn’t sure if it was because he was tired or because he was picturing it all.

“When I turned the corner I saw a man coming out from the room Alec was supposed to be in. But it wasn’t Alec. He was wearing Alec’s helmet and the inside visor was covered in blood.”

Magnus winced away from the picture.

“When he saw me he started running. As if anyone runs _away_ from a firefighter when they’re in the middle of a fire,” Jace scoffed. “Well I gave chase and tackled him to the floor when he refused to stop.” Jace shook his head, his eyes still closed and he muttered in a way that made Magnus wonder if maybe Jace had forgotten about him. “I swear, if I’d have known what he did I think I would have done worse.”

_What did he do?_ Magnus must have said it out loud because Jace’s eyes flashed open and he lowered his head to look at Magnus.

“I ripped the helmet off him just as Jordan arrived. Jordan took it all in, grabbed the man’s arm and told me to go. Jordan led the man outside as I ran back to the room the man had just come from. As I got closer I heard Alec’s alarm.”

Jace saw Magnus frown.

“All firefighters have an alarm that starts shrieking once they’ve been still for a certain period of time,” Jace explained. “It makes it easier to locate them.”

Magnus nodded his understanding. Jace looked away from him to the little rectangle of hope on the door.

“I found Alec unconscious on the floor next to another man. He had a little blood trickling down from his hairline but most of the blood came from the blood that was gushing from his nose. Without his helmet he wasn’t getting any fresh oxygen either. It just made no sense, I kept thinking. Who the hell attacks a firefighter when they’re your best chance on getting out alive?” Jace swallowed. “It wasn’t until I radioed for help getting the other man out that I saw what Alec was probably trying to radio to the chief before he got attacked: the other man looked like he’d been stabbed.”

“Stabbed?” Magnus echoed. His mind started spinning in high gear.

_Alec was in a room with some homicidal maniac? God, it could have been so much worse._

Magnus turned away from Jace and looked through the small window just to reassure himself that Alec was here.

“We got Alec and the man out of there and Maia rushed Alec over in the ambo.”

“What happened to the man who got stabbed?”

“He was pronounced dead at the scene.”

“Oh,” Magnus breathed. “What about the guy wearing Alec’s helmet?”

“The police took him,” Jace said disgustedly. “When they looked at his ID they found out that he was the deceased man’s son.”

Magnus looked sideways at Jace who came to stand beside him.

“Their running theory is that the son stabbed his father for his life insurance and then set the fire so the death would look like an accident.”

“I really don’t understand how some people think,” Magnus admitted in a whisper.

_And that’s my job._

Magnus felt the urge to laugh but he didn’t because he didn’t know what it would turn into. Maybe Jace saw something in his face or maybe it was just that he was feeling the same way because he laid a hand on Magnus’ shoulder.

“Come on, I need to go tell the others in the waiting room about Alec.”

Magnus smiled wearily at Jace. “I think I’ll just stay here.”

Jace shook his head. “No you won’t. You’re part of the family now.”  

   

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and for all of you who've been giving feedback! :)


	19. Brotherhood and Wildflowers

When Jace and Magnus entered the waiting room it was as if all the firefighter’s heads were attached by a string; they all whipped their heads up expectantly to look at Jace at the same time. All for one firefighter, Magnus noticed. This firefighter was older than the others and he stood against a wall whereas all the others sat. When he saw the different uniform Magnus figured that he was probably the chief whom Alec had spoken of.

They all perked up when the two of them entered.

“So? What’s going on with him?”

When Magnus looked at the firefighter who’d spoken he was surprised that the firefighter was looking straight back at him instead of Jace.

_Point two for the white coat._

“Magnus isn’t Alec’s doctor,” Jace stepped in. “He’s a friend of Alec’s.”

 _Friend? Is that what Alec’s told them…or_ not _told them?_

That pulled a little at a string of emotion but Magnus cut it into two. Now wasn’t the time.

_But Jace must know. Alec’s told him about me…unless he told him that we’re friends._

Alec didn’t seem to be the type to straddle the closet entrance…but _friends?_

_What’s that about?_

Magnus looked at Jace’s profile and if there was some secret message that Jace was trying to convey, well, he was pretty bad at it. Jace told the others what Magnus had told him. They looked almost relieved at the news, as if Alec had appeared and danced a jig through the waiting room and out the doors. Magnus felt the relief take a bow and walk off the stage as quick as it’d come.

Act Two. Enter worry.

_I guess that’s what you do in waiting rooms: imagine the worst news in various detail._

In a way, Magnus understood. The stress was palpable, even to someone who couldn’t feel other’s emotions. As it was, the worry from all the firefighters slid down his throat and jumped on his lungs as if his lungs were a bouncy castle. He scratched his nose and rubbed at the corner of his eyes as he took a seat next to Jace. He really didn’t want to faint right there in the middle of the waiting room at the feet of Alec’s colleagues, but if he didn’t get a proper breath sometime soon he was positive he’d do something equally as embarrassing.  

_Just focus on something else. Find another strong, less debilitating emotion they have and latch onto it instead._

Magnus remembered the time one of his patients had a panic attack during one of their sessions.

Magnus thought he was dying.

He was barely able to figure out how to work his mouth and try to talk the patient down when all he kept feeling was pure, breathless terror. He remembered telling himself that they weren’t his emotions – that they were just an illusion. It really didn’t help much.

Magnus arranged his white coat around him and half closed his eyes. He forced himself to not start panting from the overwhelming feels that he was siphoning off everyone in the waiting room. With his eyes half closed he peeled at the layers of feels like one would peel at the layers of an onion. The outer layer, the worry, was the largest and the toughest to get past. His eyes watered from the sheer concentration that it took to try and push through.

He was rewarded when his mind clawed past the worry and grasped the next strongest feel with whitened knuckles.

It was beautiful.

It stilled the anxious bodies that stomped on his lungs and calmed them with a gentle hand until they sat crossed-legged on the domes of his lungs. They didn’t disappear but they too sat and stared at the new emotion that had taken centre stage in Magnus’ body.

It had brothers, sisters and cousins – so many derivatives of the same emotion – their effects quite similar with few differences sprinkled here and there.

It was love.

The firefighters truly loved Alec. Maybe not the same strand of love that Magnus felt for him but love none the same.

 _Hell, I’d be pretty miffed if I felt_ that _kind of love for Alec from someone sitting here._

Magnus felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. His eyes opened all the way and he looked up from his lap to the firefighter who was sitting on his other side.

“You look a little pale, are you doing okay?” The man’s brown eyes looked at him with soft creases of concern.

“I’m fine, Magnus replied quietly, not wanting to interrupt the soft hush of conversation from next to him. “Just a bit of a dizzy spell. And I’ll thank you not to call me pasty,” Magnus added with a half-hearted half smile.

The firefighter’s mouth pulled at the corners but the creases around his eyes didn’t disappear. Just as suddenly as they’d started talking, the firefighter stood up and walked out of the room and down the hall.

_Aaaand it was nice talking to you too._

Magnus tuned into Jace and heard him talking with the others about starters, arson investigators and police interviews. He took a breath through his nose and leaned his head back against the wall. His eyes drew paths between the tiles of the ceiling as he kept the worry feels at bay.

He closed his eyes and listened to all the sounds as they blended together. Magnus unfocused his concentration and instead of listening to the words of the soft conversation beside him he listened to the sound of it. As if he was unfamiliar with the language, he listened to the different sounds the air made as it was gilded by tongues and passed between teeth. Magnus added the sound of the footsteps of people walking by and the muted rustle of clothing shifting against plastic chairs. It turned into a white noise of sorts. Strangely, Magnus found that it soothed him.

He visibly jumped in his seat when a hand landed on his shoulder again.

It was the same firefighter from before. Except this time he had a coffee in his hand and a plastic bag in his lap. Magnus noticed that many of the others were also holding fresh cups of coffee.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” the man said. “I just figured you could use some coffee.” He held one of the cups out to Magnus in an offering.

“Thank you,” Magnus said, taking the cup. He took a sip and it zipped through him. The black coffee was, well a little too _black_ , but God it tasted good.

“Maybe a sandwich too?” The man took a tuna sandwich out of the plastic bag and held that too out for Magnus.

Magnus looked at the man in surprise and was surprised to find himself close to tears. He wished the man wasn’t so kind because his hard-won composure was close to slipping. Once upon a time he remembered thinking of going to the cafeteria to hunt down some food but as he looked at the sandwich he couldn’t imagine eating right then.

But the man had been thoughtful enough to buy him a food and he couldn’t make himself refuse. He took the sandwich and took small bites but he didn’t really taste it. They started talking and the man – _Micah, he said his name was_ – told him a story of how last Halloween Bat had gotten to shift two hours early so he could paint his face to look like a zombie and then stood just inside the girls washroom at the firehouse.

“Turns out Maia – one of our paramedics – has really good reflexes,” Micah said. “Let’s just say that the jury’s still out on whether or not Bat’s ever going to have kids.”

Micah was full of stories like these and Magnus truly appreciated it. Especially since he had to block out the feel of worry that was radiating from Micah. You would never be able to tell just by looking at Micah.

_I wonder who he’s trying to convince: me or himself?_

* * *

By dinnertime Magnus had counted the number of tiles on the floor, organized the people in the waiting room into people with brown, black, blond and red hair ( _and that one person who had bright purple hair)_ and counted how many times he’d looked up when Jem had hurried past the waiting room. He was fidgety after sitting in one position for so long and his knees bounced from the impatient energy.

The firefighters left a couple hours ago. They had scrambled out of the waiting room when a voice on the chief’s radio had called them to an address. They called things to Magnus as they left.

“We’ll be back, Magnus,” Jace had promised as he followed the others.

Magnus glanced around the waiting room. He was running out of things to count. He looked up at the tv planted in one corner of the waiting room and watched a woman telling him about a high magnitude earthquake that had displaced thousands on the other side of the world. He looked away.

_I wonder if there was ever a study done looking at the channel showed on tv in waiting rooms and the stress levels of the people sitting there? Maybe cartoons would be better? Or one of those aquarium or sunset channels?_

Magnus looked over to the entrance when he heard someone come in and he fully expected it to be another poor person banished to the limbo of the waiting room. It took him a moment to realize that Jem was walking towards him and not continuing on past the room and down the hall as he’d done 32 times before.

Magnus jumped to his feet so fast that black spots crowded his vision and a heat swept through his head. He reached a hand back and steadied himself on the arm of the chair while his blood pressure evened out.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t come out sooner, Magnus,” Jem said when he reached Magnus. “The ER got swamped and one of the doctors went home after _he_ threw up over one of the patients.” Jem tiredly massaged the back of his neck with one hand. He looked at Magnus who was hanging on his every word and he reached out a hand and touched Magnus on his shoulder reassuringly with the tips of his fingers. “Come,” Jem motioned with his head, “walk with me.”

They walked out of the waiting room and turned off the main hallway into a quieter hall.

“Alec is doing really well,” Jem said. “He’s going to be okay.”

The relief that Magnus felt was almost disabling.

They reached a room at the end of the hall and Jem stopped at the doorway. Jem opened the door and let Magnus enter ahead of him.

It was Alec on the bed. Magnus’ breath stuttered as he took him in. He looked better than he did before. The oxygen mask was gone along with the blood. He slowly walked over to the bed, keeping his eyes on Alec the whole time. He felt that if he looked away, even blinked, Alec was going to disappear and he would be stuck back into the waiting room.

_He looks so young, so vulnerable just lying there._

Magnus eyed the dark purple circles under Alec’s eyes. He reached out and tenderly brushed the ends of his fingers against the colour. He made sure to avoid Alec’s nose. With just the barest of pressure it was more of a way for Magnus to reassure himself that Alec was there, warm and undeniably alive.  

“The pain medication we gave him made him a little sleepy,” Jem explained in a hushed tone.

“So how bad is it?”

Jem looked at Magnus. “It could have been worse. His nose is definitely broken, along with a cracked rib on his right side. He also has a concussion and that’s really what we’re keeping an eye on.” Jem eyed Alec. “He’s going to be staying here tonight so that we can check on him periodically.”

Magnus nodded. “Okay, so he’s going to be okay then?”

Jem smiled kindly. “Good as new. We just want to keep him overnight just on the off chance that his concussion develops into something more serious but from the imaging, I don’t see that happening.”

Magnus took what felt like the first real breath in hours. He looked at kind-eyed Jem standing tiredly at the foot of Alec’s bed and he wanted to hug the man.

“Jem, I really don’t know what to say. Thank you. Thank you so much.”

Jem looked at Magnus with a small smile. “You don’t need to say anything Magnus.” He hands absentmindedly grabbed the two ends on the stethoscope that was around his neck and turned to walk out. “I’ll be back to check on him later.”

Magnus looked back down at Alec and he pulled a chair closer to Alec’s bedside. He looked at the monitor that Alec was hooked up to and looked at his stats. He knew enough to read that his blood pressure was good, maybe slightly on the low side, and his oxygen levels were not perfect but that was to be expected. He listened to the quiet rhythmic beep of his heart beat.

He looked back at Alec’s face and reached a hand to smooth back a strand of hair that was out of place. His eyes were once again drawn to the angry purple that marred Alec’s face. He looked like he hadn’t slept for years. He felt Alec’s default wrap around him like a blanket and he snuggled into the familiar feels.

He gently lifted Alec’s hand that was resting on the top of the covers and held them between both of his hands. He made sure not to touch the heart rate monitor that was clipped onto Alec’s index finger.

“You gave me a scare, Alec,” Magnus murmured. He watched Alec’s relaxed face and the way his deep breaths passed between his parted lips.

“I met the guys today,” he continued. “They were all parked out in the waiting room for the better part of the day. I see what you mean,” Magnus brushed his thumb over Alec’s pinky, “they’re quite the bunch. I hope you know how much they care for you. I hope you know how much I care for you too.”

Magnus looked at Alec’s pale hands between his tanned ones. Alec’s heart filled the silence of the room.

“When my parents died my grandmother took me in.” Magnus smiled fondly. “She was a wonderful woman. She was an artist – a painter – and I would sit beside her in the backyard for hours and just watch her bring things to life on a blank canvas. She never told me what she was going to paint when she sat down to start and I liked it that way. Sometimes I wondered if even _she_ knew what she was sitting down to paint.”

Magnus brushed the knuckles of Alec’s fingers.

“She was such a warm person. Our house would always be filled with flowers that she picked out in the field, nothing fancy, just dozens and dozens of bright wildflowers. The entire house smelt like sunshine.”

A tear winded down Magnus’ face and he brushed it away against his shoulder.

“I had just graduated from high school when she had a stroke. The wildflowers all around the house wilted then died and I was afraid I would forget the way she smelled.”

Magnus stroked his fingers up and down the length of Alec’s fingers.

“It was a bad time in my life and I wasn’t fit for anyone’s company. I started university and buried myself in school work. At one point I only came home to sleep, shower and change clothes. One day my best friends whom I’d known almost all my life put their foot down and said enough. They dragged me out of the house and brought me somewhere other than school.”

Magnus smiled a little at Alec.

“I’ll introduce you to them sometime. That should be interesting,” Magnus chuckled softly under his breath when he thought of Alec meeting Ragnor and Catarina who were the two most forward people he’d ever met.

“Grams would have loved you,” Magnus whispered. “Right now she would probably tell me to tell you everything because she believed that the goodness in everyone made them understanding. She’d tell me to tell you about what I can do before things between us get too serious and it’s too late.”

Magnus was happy he wasn’t hooked up to a monitor. His heart was racing at how reckless he was being – at how much he was saying. Maybe a part of him wanted Alec to blink his eyes open and ask him what he meant. Maybe he just wanted to tell him so that there wouldn’t be this veil of deception between the two of them.

“But I don’t want to lose the person who reminds me of wildflowers,” he whispered to his grandmother.

     


	20. Ninjas and Reassurances

_What is that beeping??_

_My alarm maybe? God, I don’t want to wake up, everything feels heavy._

_It must have been a late night last night._

_Just a couple more minutes._

_Wait, is that Magnus’ voice? What’s Magnus doing in my room?_

Alec sunk back into his deep sleep.

* * *

Magnus frowned.

_I could have sworn he moved his leg._

But then Alec’s breathing evened out again and Magnus settled back into his chair.

_Maybe I need some sleep too._

* * *

“He’s still here?”

“Wow, must be a good friend.”

“I’m starting to wonder.”

“He’s looking better.”

“Who? Magnus?”

“No _genius,_ I meant Alec – although his friend is starting to look a little less translucent too.”

The whispers were slowly drawing Magnus out of his sleep. He tried to correctly match the whispers with their proper owners but he wasn’t sure. Maybe it was because his brain was too muddled from sleep or maybe because he’d only just met the firefighters a few hours ago. Most likely because everyone sounds the same when they whisper; there’s only a few counted ways that air can whistle past human lips.

“I wonder what the doctor said?” Firefighter #1 whispered.

“Dunno, although it can’t be too bad if Magnus is snoring away,” Firefighter #2 replied.

_I do not snore._

Magnus gave a mental sigh. They weren’t going to be leaving until they got an update and Magnus couldn’t really blame them for that. He closed his mouth and almost winced at the bitter aftertaste of coffee. He tried to swallow but his mouth was too dry. He gave up trying to rid himself of his coffee breath and just hoped that the guys all had deviated nasal septums.

“Oh, hi. I wasn’t expecting Alec to get any visitors this late in the night.”

Magnus recognized that whisper. It was Jem.

“Are you Alec’s actual doctor?” Firefighter #2 asked.

“Why don’t we speak outside,” Jem replied in a whisper.

The soft footfalls left the room and Magnus heard Jem start murmuring to them. Magnus cracked his eyes open and looked at Alec. He just wished that Alec would open his eyes so he would know for sure that everything was going to be okay.    

* * *

The whispers bled into Alec’s consciousness.

_Why. In the hell. Are there so many people in my bedroom??_

But he wasn’t curious enough to put in all the effort needed to lift his eyelids.

* * *

“Come on Ragnor,” Magnus reasoned as he watched Alec’s sleeping form through the glass.

“Yes, I know how late it is,” Magnus sighed.

“It would only take you five minutes to drive to my house and feed Chairman Meow.”

“ _Yes_ Ragnor, I know it’s late.”

“What do you mean he bites your ankles?”

“Well he only did that once.”

“Just pull up your socks and don’t step in any fish on your way over.”

“ _Fine, it was five times.”_

“Sure, sure, I’ll feed your pet cricket when you leave to document ostrich mating habits. I can’t believe you’re actually taking a job that makes you follow horny ostriches for three weeks.”

“No Ragnor, I didn’t really need to know that the male ostrich dances before they do it.”

“You know you could have probably driven to my house, fed Chairmen Meow and driven back to your house by now?”

“Ragnor?”

“Ragnor?”

Magnus ended the call and shoved the phone back into his pocket. He was muttering about flapping wings when he went back into Alec’s room.

* * *

When Alec opened his eyes it took him a moment to figure out just where he was. He took in the light blue sheets on his bed, the monitor stuck on his finger and the monitor beside his bed that was keeping time with his heart.

_Ah, so it wasn’t the alarm._

He felt groggy and slow, as if his mind had to wade through mud before it could string along a thought. But then he looked over to the person sleeping in a chair by his bed and he knew his emotions took a detour around the bog.

He shamelessly studied Magnus. He thought back to the first time they’d met.

_Ha! How easily the tables do turn._

Magnus’ chair was pulled so close to the bed that if Magnus wanted to get up it would have been a challenging feat. Even in sleep one of Magnus’ hands was resting gently on Alec’s forearm.

Alec winced in sympathy at the way Magnus had fallen asleep: with his neck hanging painfully to one side. His hair was crumpled even worse than usual and Alec wondered just how long Magnus had sat vigil.

He lifted his arm to lay his hand on top of the hand that was resting on his other arm but a stabbing pain in his side made him suck in a sharp breath. Alec almost groaned.

_Who knew that breathing could hurt this much?_

As if sensing his pain, the fingers on his arm twitched and Alec turned his head in time to meet Magnus’ wide eyes.

“Alec,” he breathed.

“Hi.” Alec smiled weakly at him and he wished he had the ability to channel all the air he inhaled to the side that didn’t hurt. Magnus scrambled and sat up in his chair so he was leaning towards Alec. Alec wasn’t sure why Magnus was so breathless, it wasn’t as if it was his side that was hurting.

Alec frowned in thought. Magnus leaned so far forward that Alec was sure that any other person would have tipped over by now.

“If we order a pizza do you think the delivery guy will be ninja enough to sneak it past the nurse’s station?”

Magnus blinked once.

He burst out laughing with more gusto than Alec’s weak attempt at a joke entailed. When Magnus let a snort slip through Alec’s breath hitched in a laugh. He grimaced and instinctively clutched his ribs when the pain returned. Alec thought that pain flashed over Magnus’ face but it was gone faster than it took for Alec to properly register.

“Okay, got it. No laughing for me,” Alec said. Magnus shot Alec a worried look.

“How are you feeling?” Magnus asked in a hushed tone, almost as if he still thought that Alec was asleep and he didn’t want to wake him.

Alec took inventory before he answered. The pain migrated north and took up a pounding residence in his nose and his forehead near his hairline.

_Well that’s going to be annoying..._

“I kind of feel like someone stuffed me into the washing machine with a pile of bricks and then set it to the spin cycle,” Alec said.

Magnus winced. He gently picked up Alec’s hand and cradled it in both of his. He looked at Alec and Alec looked back. There were no words needed in that moment, it was all laid bare in Magnus’ eyes. Alec saw the worry that refused to leave even when the relief swooped in. His eyes, those mesmerizing swirls of green with drops of sparkling gold, they were so soft, so incredibly gentle that Alec felt his breath hiccup at the feeling they built inside him. It was all so new, so foreign and Alec wasn’t sure he was in the right head space to make sense of it at that particular moment. It was strong, so strong that he wondered how it had managed to lie dormant inside him for so long. He saw Magnus’ eyes widen fractionally and his throat bobbed up and down. Magnus’ eyes shone, almost glistened; it was as if he were – _but no, it’s just the lighting._

Alec broke the moment and molded his mouth into a sly smile. “If you’re aiming for a staring contest I have to warn you I always win, just ask Izzy. That and well I may be cheating a little since I’ve had my eyes closed for how many hours now?”

“It’s early morning,” Magnus replied. “Like _really_ early morning.” He paused before he asked the question. “Do you remember what happened?”

Alec rolled his eyes and was pleasantly surprised that at least that motion didn’t hurt. “No Magnus, I don’t remember. Who are you again? How do you know my name? What is my name?” Alec gave Magnus a deadly serious stare. “What year is it?”

“Har har,” Magnus said sarcastically. “No but really, what do you remember?”

“Well,” Alec said, “in a nutshell, some jackass attacked me when I was searching one of the rooms. He took my mask too and then everything’s a bit fuzzy.”

“I think the police will want more than just your ‘in a nutshell’ version when they’ll take your statement.”

“Did they get the guy?”Alec asked.

“Yeah, Jace and your lieutenant found you and the guy. Jace said that the police think that the guy who attacked you stabbed his father and then tried to burn the body to make it look like an accident so he could collect the life insurance.”

Alec shook his head in disgust. His free hand shot to his head when a blinding thud of pain seared through. Magnus’ hands twitched around his and when he looked over he saw Magnus squeeze his eyes shut for a fraction longer than a regular blink entailed. He felt bad for Magnus.

_He must be so tired._

Magnus edged closer towards him and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “Do you want me to go get the nurse? The doctor’s probably going to come in soon anyway but the nurse could see if you could get a little more medication until then,” Magnus reasoned.

Alec didn’t shake his head this time on the off chance that it would trigger something again. “No,” Alec said. “That stuff knocks me out and I want to talk to you.”

Magnus leaned down and pressed a kiss to the hand he was holding.

“Did the doctor tell you anything?” Alec asked.

Magnus recounted to Alec what Jem had told him. “He said that he’d discharge you in the morning as long as you pass the night okay with your concussion,” he added.

“I can’t wait to go home and change out of this,” Alec pulled the light blue hospital gown away from his chest. “It’s a little too airy for my comfort.”

Magnus smiled. “Can’t say I blame you.”

Alec smiled back.

“I was thinking,” Magnus started, “that you should stay at my place for a couple days. At least until you’re feeling better and not taking the strong pain meds.”

Alec looked at Magnus exasperatedly. He didn’t need somebody taking care of him – he never did. He wondered if Magnus just asked because he felt a responsibility now that he fell under the label of boyfriend. Alec immediately felt bad for even thinking that of Magnus. He molded his expression into something less harsh. “I’ve been hurt before, Magnus. It takes more than a couple blows to keep me down.”

“What about a decent sized blow to the head? I think I’m within the parameters to worry when Lord only knows how badly your eggs have been scrambled up there.”

“My eggs are perfectly fine,” Alec replied.

“Well if they were I don’t think you’d be refusing my offer.” Magnus said it teasingly but Alec heard the steely resolve underneath it all. He studied Magnus for a moment.

“What’s going on here?” Alec questioned. “I have to get beat up before you invite me over to your house? I don’t know if I would’ve signed up for it if I’d have known that our relationship was going to be this painful,” Alec teased.

“Do try not to make this a habit, okay?” Magnus replied. He stood out of his chair and bent over Alec. He lowered himself down until Alec could feel Magnus’ breath stirring the nerve endings on his lips. They looked at each other steadily, taking comfort in each other’s proximity. Alec wanted to reach up and pull Magnus down but he didn’t even want to imagine what type of profanities his rib would start screaming. He was more than happy when Magnus crossed the few centimeters that separated them.

The kiss felt like a reassurance between them.  

_Maybe having someone care enough about me to want to watch out for me isn’t such a bad thing after all._

 

 

 


	21. Plaid and Watermelons

The next morning, after Jem gave them the all clear, Magnus and a bleary-eyed Alec stuffed themselves into a cab and headed to Magnus’. Jem explained to Magnus what to look for and what kind of symptoms required him to bring Alec back in. Magnus had called Tessa before to explain the situation. He told her that he wanted to take a couple personal days but he was worried how Camille was going to react.

“Oh Magnus, I’m sorry about what happened. You take as many days as you need; I’ll cover your patients best I can and hold off Camille,” she’d said.

Magnus once again thanked his good fortune for having such an understanding mentor. But at the same time he knew he’d have to come up with an awesome excuse. Maybe something including aliens, or paperclips. Or maybe alpacas. It had to be flawless...so probably all of the above.

There was a moment in the cab where the cabbie turned a sleepy corner and Alec’s weight came to rest against him. He looked over at Alec and felt every point of contact between them. Sometimes nerve endings just wanted to make sure that they made new friends, so that they would never be alone again. Touch was so important. At the hospital there were volunteers who came in to hold premature babies because science showed that they developed faster if they were held.

Magnus sometimes wondered if the opposite were true too. If a person rarely had someone to hold hands with, someone to rest their head upon, did that mean that there was a little part of them that slowly shrunk until there was nothing left at all?

Magnus felt Alec’s knee pressing lightly into his. He felt the arm that was sprawled haphazardly over his lap. He could feel Alec’s slow rise and fall of breath from where his shoulder leaned against Magnus. He closed his eyes and breathed in the moment. He wanted to bottle this feeling too and add it to his shelf. He wanted to have it just in case.

When the cab arrived at his house he paid the cabbie. The cabbie gave him a smile when he saw that Magnus tipped him a little more than was necessary. With a bit of prodding Alec came awake enough to half stumble half walk the few steps into Magnus’ house.

Alec mumbled something as Magnus manoeuvred him into the house.

“What’s that?” Magnus asked.

“I don’t like watermelon,” Alec mumbled a little louder.

Magnus chuckled to himself as he figured out how to unlock the front door and open it without letting Alec tumble into the bushes.

“S’okay love, I haven’t done groceries for a week now. No chance of finding anything resembling a melon of any sort in the kitchen.”

Alec snorted. “Kitchen. What a funny word. Kit see hen.” Alec giggled to himself like he’d just said the funniest thing in the world.

Magnus couldn’t help but laugh and it made getting the key into the lock just that much harder.

_Jem must have given him the good stuff._

With one hand around Alec’s waist Magnus managed to open the door and guide them inside without incidents. Alec promptly sat down on a little bench in the foyer. Alec swayed even as he sat. It seemed like he kept falling asleep for a couple seconds before jerking out of it only to look around and fall asleep again.

_I feel like I’m seeing him drunk._

Magnus took off his boots and Alec’s firefighter boots. They were the only ones that Alec had with him when he was wheeled in. Alec stuck his legs straight out and wiggled his toes. He frowned.

“What is it?” Magnus asked. He was really trying not to smile at how intensely Alec was studying his own toes.

“Dunno. Don’t you think it’s weird that we only have five toes?”

“Uhh, I’ve never really given it a thought,” Magnus said.

Alec dropped his feet to the floor and looked up at Magnus with a look of concentration.

“Well I think that we should have toes growing all around our feet. Just think of how much better our balance would be.” Alec almost preened up at Magnus he was so proud of himself.

Magnus laughed. He leaned down and got Alec to his feet and they started heading deeper into the house. “Come on Alec,” Magnus murmured, “I’m taking you to a place where few have gone before.”

“Disneyland?” Alec asked hopefully.

“Not quite.”

There was a moment’s pause as they detoured around the stack of books on the floor by the couch.

“I don’t like watermelon.”

Magnus smiled. “So I’ve heard.”

Magnus opened the door to his room and patted his hand along the wall until he found the light switch. When they stepped into the room Magnus tried to see the room the way a stranger would for the first time. It was a little messy, but it was mostly clothes strewn over the backs of chairs and paper scattered all over the table. He was happy he made the bed that morning and was even happier when he remembered that he’d done laundry yesterday. The bed still smelt like fresh rain or floral garden or whatever the hell the front of the laundry bottle claimed. Either way, it smelt good.

Magnus didn’t think that Alec realised because as soon as they were in the door he bumbled his way over to the bed and lied back. He let out such a sigh that Magnus was amazed that his ribs didn’t bother him. He felt no pain from Alec though, only an intense mental fuzziness and looseness.

“I miss my pyjamas.” Alec pouted at the ceiling. He peeled his eyes open the smallest amount possible in order to find Magnus. “Can I tell you a secret?”

“Okay,” Magnus played along.

Alec made a show of looking both right and left. Magnus had to pinch his lips together to not laugh. “My favorite pair are batman ones that have little batmans all over them,” Alec whispered. He closed his eyes and gave out another sigh. “He’s so badass.”

Magnus couldn’t help the snicker that snuck through. The mental picture of Alec in batman pyjamas was mind-blowingly adorable. He walked over to stand beside the bed.

“Well I don’t have a batman fetish but I think I’ll be able to find something comfortable for you to sleep in.”

Magnus walked over to his closet and rummaged through. He pulled out a soft, grey t-shirt and a pair of black and grey checkered pyjama bottoms. He was picking a piece of lint off the t-shirt when he looked up and did a double take.

Magnus raised his eyebrows at Alec. Alec smiled back cheekily.

“For future reference,” Alec said, “I want dinner first.”

Alec was lying on Magnus’ bed with nothing on but his boxers.

_His boxers with black and red polka dots. I guess laundry day is fast approaching._

Alec just smiled at Magnus’ look of surprise. He was as comfortable as a cat in cashmere. Magnus laughed in disbelief from where he stood rooted to a spot a couple meters away from the bed.

_God, what did they give him?_

Magnus walked over beside Alec and held up the clothes he was holding. “Are these okay?”

Alec frowned comically at the pyjama bottoms. Magnus couldn’t help his amusement because Lord only knew what was going to come out of Alec’s mouth.

Alec pointed at the bottoms. “I don’t think plaid goes with polka dots.”

Magnus was pretty sure that his chin bounced off his chest. _So drugged up Alec is the one with the fashion sense..._

“I think you’ll be okay for one night,” Magnus said.

Alec did not look impressed with Magnus. “What if my boxers get mad and run away?”

Magnus coughed.

_Nope, nope, nope. Thou must not have a visual imagination right now._

“Your boxers wouldn’t dare,” Magnus said when he’d recovered. “I have a striped bath robe hanging off the back of the door and if there’s one thing that polka dots hate more than plaid, it’s stripes.”

Alec’s face spread into a smile. “Clever.”

Magnus shrugged his shoulders. “I have my moments.” Magnus laid the bottoms onto the edge of the bed beside Alec and handed him the t-shirt.

“Wait,” Magnus pulled the t-shirt back before Alec could grab it. Magnus felt around in the armpit area of the shirt. “I forgot this one has a hole under the arm.” Magnus stuck his finger through the hole and wiggled it.

Magnus made another trip to his closet. While he shuffled past his not-so-comfortable shirts he heard Alec get up and pull the bottoms on. He settled on a red cotton t-shirt. He smiled to himself when he thought that at least the shirt would match the red polka dots on the boxers. He heard Alec sit back down onto the bed.

Magnus was still smiling to himself when he shut the closet door and turned around to walk back to Alec. When he looked at Alec his smile fell of his face and once more he was rooted to the spot.

At first Magnus wasn’t sure what he was looking at. He blinked a couple times when he foolishly thought that it was just a trick of the light. But it wasn’t a trick and it was more than just light. Alec was sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to Magnus and Magnus couldn’t tear his eyes away from Alec’s back.

His back was covered in raised, red welts that criss-crossed each other like multi-colour routes on a map. It covered his entire back like Braille. In some areas the welts were thicker and they protruded more, like some type of landmark. It made Magnus’ breath catch. He looked at the sensitive skin that was stretched tight to cover the scars and he wished he had the ability to wipe away all the suffering it must have cost. I made Alec look old. Old in the sense that he’d seen too much so soon in life. It was like his body decided that it’d felt enough pain and decided to form a protective coat.

It reminded Magnus of the sadness he felt in Alec’s default.

Magnus realised that Alec was a firefighter and he ran towards danger while others fled. He realised that his job repeatedly thrust him into situations where he had a high probability of getting injured, but at the same time Magnus knew enough to know that the scars weren’t recent. They were healed over and the body had accepted the new addition by growing new blood vessels to supply the injured areas.

“Did you get lost in there?” Alec asked. “I mean, I know your closet is big but come on.” Alec snickered.

Magnus was yanked from his trail of thought. He wanted to ask Alec what happened. He wanted Alec to laugh and wave a hand and say that it was nothing. That he’d been a reckless kid and even though his parents had warned him dozens of times he’d never listened until he’d accidentally tripped and fell backwards into the small bonfire they’d made. Magnus knew that that wasn’t better because it still meant that Alec got hurt but it was better than the dozens of other stories that Magnus’ restless mind was creating.

“Maaaagnus,” Alec sang out, “will I have to report you missing to the police in the State of Narnia?” Alec started giggling to himself. “I wonder if IKEA is in league with Narnia. Have you ever tried to put together IKEA furniture?   I think it’s the most infuriating thing I’ve ever done.”

Magnus wanted to just put what he saw aside for now but he knew it was easier said than done. He didn’t want to start in and think of every bad situation that could have resulted in the scars. He didn’t want to picture the flames grabbing at Alec’s flesh while Alec writhed in agony. It was just too much too soon. Magnus was just starting to get over the shock of finding an unconscious, beat up and concussed Alec in the ER. He didn’t know if he had the nerves to deal with something else.

“They give you these stupid instructions that have not a single written word,” Alec continued. “And they give you this wrench that looks like it came out of a Barbie toolbox. The bastards don’t even give you screws and bolts; they include these pieces of crap wooden pegs to hold the pieces of wood together.”

Magnus took a breath and shook his head to clear his thoughts. He put a small reassuring smile back onto his face and went to stand in front of Alec.

Alec looked up at him with murder in his eyes. “It’s enough to make a person go bald.”

Magnus couldn’t help the surprised huff of a laugh that Alec pulled out of him. It felt wrong to laugh though – after what he’d seen. Magnus held the red t-shirt out to Alec.

“I guess I should think of myself as lucky that you still have a full head of hair,” Magnus said as Alec slipped the t-shirt on. Magnus’ eyes went down to the mottled skin on Alec’s right side. A surge of anger went through him and he hoped that it’d really hurt when Jace had tackled the man.

Alec got up, pulled back the covers and lied back down. He wobbled a little and Magnus wondered if it was the medication or the concussion. Alec settled in and nuzzled Magnus’ pillow once he’d pulled the covers up to his shoulders.

_He must have worn himself out with the IKEA tirade._

Magnus rearranged the covers around Alec. Starting with his feet Magnus tucked the covers in tight around Alec. It tugged a lazy, content smile out of Alec. Magnus bent down and pressed a slow, lingering kiss to Alec’s covered shoulder.

Alec was on the cusp of falling asleep when Magnus tried to quietly walk out of the room. He felt a hand grab his wrist.

Magnus looked at Alec and he saw Alec struggling to open his eyes enough to focus in on Magnus. “Stay.”

Magnus heard the vulnerability underneath that one word. He walked back to the bed and Alec let go of his wrist. Magnus settled in on top of the covers beside Alec on the vacant side of the bed. He was careful when he got in as to not jostle Alec. He knew the pain meds were strong but he didn’t want to put it to the test by accidentally hitting Alec on the head with his elbow. He gingerly lowered his head to the pillow and faced Alec. Alec rolled over onto his left side, the side that didn’t hurt, so that they were facing each other.

“Hey,” Alec whispered, his eyes closed.

“Hey,” Magnus whispered back.

Magnus couldn’t help but look at the disks of purple around Alec’s eyes.

_His beautiful eyes._

Magnus listened to Alec’s breathing as it slowed and deepened. He watched Alec’s chest expand with every breath as it was drawn in and pushed out through Alec’s slightly parted lips. Magnus figured Alec asleep so he was surprised when Alec started whispering.

“Thanks Magnus,” he whispered, although it was mostly slurred in his half asleep state. “Thanks for staying with me. You make me feel safe. You make me feel new. I think I might...” The rest of the words were carried away to the world of slumber as sleep claimed Alec.

Magnus tugged the cover a little higher over Alec’s shoulder and ran his hand lightly down Alec’s covered arm.

_Yeah, I think I might too._   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading everyone!  
> I also want to wish a Happy (early) Birthday to Happy_Demon_Dragon!! I hope you don't mind that it came early. ;) Have an awesome day! ^.^


	22. Cacti and Confrontations

The rest of the day was spent fitfully. When Magnus had lied down next to Alec he’d felt exhausted enough to sleep for twenty hours without waking, but every time he found himself on the cusp of sleep a surge of panic would startle him awake. He looked at Alec sleeping beside him and his panic would ebb away.

Magnus soon realized that sleep wasn’t in the cards. He slowly shifted over to his side of the bed and one by one, one body part at a time, he peeled himself off the bed and stuck himself to the floor. Alec slumbered on, completely unaware. Alec burrowed deeper until it looked like a disembodied head laid on the pillow joined by an arm resting on top of the covers. Magnus slinked out of the room as quietly as he could and pulled the door until it was only slightly ajar.

Magnus didn’t see Alec’s arm grope the other side of the bed blindly, fishing for the warmth that Magnus had left behind.

* * *

In the kitchen Magnus tinkered around until he had a fresh cup of coffee between his hands. He didn’t even want to hazard a guess as to how many milligrams of caffeine were already jumping up and down in his bloodstream. It just felt good to sit in his chair where the smells that surrounded him were _his_ smells and not hospital antiseptic. As he sat there sipping his coffee he thought about what he could do for the rest of the day. Little odds and ends around the house popped into his mind but he didn’t think he’d get a whole lot done between poking his head in to check on Alec and giving him his meds. Plus, as much as the pain meds made Alec dead to the world Magnus was pretty sure even he’d notice if he started up the vacuum a foot from his ear.

The other option, the one that had appeared in his head before thoughts of cleaning if he was being honest, was to grab a book and camp out next to Alec. It was a glorious idea and his muscles were already singing in delight. It was just his foolish mind that kept throwing scenarios out at him.

Scenarios like Alec waking up and looking over at Magnus to find him staring creepily down at him. Or falling asleep, rolling over and crushing Alec’s ribs until they punctured his lung. Or snuggling into Alec and drooling all over his neck in his sleep.

_Nobody wants a boyfriend with an overactive salivary gland!_

Chairman Meow leaped gracefully onto the counter and rubbed his cheek against the hand Magnus was using to hold the coffee mug. He felt the purr that was building inside the tiny body. He pranced back and forth in front of Magnus, his bushy tail haughtily swung back and forth. He stopped right in front of Magnus and looked at him with eyes that eerily resembled Magnus’ in colour. His look seemed to say, ‘well you live here, don’t you?’

Magnus looked away and nodded, half to himself and half for the Chairman’s benefit.

_He’s right; it’s my own bedroom, damnit!_

He swallowed back the rest of his coffee with the determination of a man who had just realized that he could do whatever he damn well pleased in his own house. It left him gasping and immediately regretting the action as the scolding coffee burned a path, a most likely permanent path, down his esophagus. Magnus could have sworn he felt the hot liquid splash into his stomach.

He didn’t allow the lack of taste-buds to sway him though. He set the mug into the sink and walked into the bedroom like he owned the place...because, well, _he did._

* * *

That evening Magnus coaxed Alec to the kitchen and they ate peanut butter, cherry jam and banana sandwiches. Magnus felt horrible but it was the only thing he could find in the house that he could make a meal out of. He figured he probably could have gone out for a quick grocery run but he really didn’t want to leave Alec by himself. He would have never forgiven himself if something happened to Alec while he was out picking up cucumbers.

Alec looked at the sandwich suspiciously. He brought the plate up to his face and cautiously sniffed the sandwich.

Magnus squirmed. “I’m really sorry love, but this is all I have in the pantry. Well, I have a bit of mayonnaise but I don’t think bananas go so well with mayo.”

“It’s not that,” Alec said slowly. Alec twisted the plate and looked at it from every angle. Magnus watched, more than a little curious.

Alec put the plate down on the table and peeled the top piece of bread off and examined the layer of cut bananas underneath. He poked his index finger into the middle of the sandwich and when he pulled it out he looked at his peanut butter and cherry jam coated finger.

“What are you doing?” Magnus couldn’t hold the question back anymore.

Alec looked from the index finger he held as a peanut butter covered declaration in the air to Magnus.

“You’re sure there aren’t any in here?”

Magnus frowned. “Any what?”

“Watermelons,” Alec said in disgust.

_I really have to remember to ask Alec about this watermelon fixation he has when he’s not high as a star._

As much fun as it was listening to drugged up Alec go on about fruits he loathed and the proper amount of toes a person should have, Magnus was happy that he was giving Alec his last dose of the strong stuff after dinner.

“I promise you, there aren’t any squished pieces of watermelon stirred into the peanut butter,” Magnus said with as much of a straight face as he could muster.

Satisfied, Alec took a big bite and chewed slowly. He nodded his approval and within no time he’d vacuumed back the entire sandwich.

Magnus couldn’t resist. “It was baked into the bread.”

Alec pointed an accusing finger at Magnus. “I knew it!” He took the big glass of water and chugged most of it down, wanting to get the phantom taste of watermelon out of his mouth. Magnus handed him the last of his pills and he knocked those back too.

He glared at Magnus distrustfully. “How do I know that the pills don’t have watermelon in them?”

Magnus sighed. “Yes Alec, the doctor went out his way to learn that you have a horrible watermelon obsession and then found magical pain pills that have watermelon as its medicinal ingredient.”

Alec looked away grumpily. “You never know,” he muttered.

Magnus snorted as he took Alec’s empty plate and his own over to the sink. “I can’t say I’m too disappointed that I’ll get to talk to lucid Alec tomorrow. High Alec seems to have a little too much hate,” Magnus teased. He ran a bit of water on them and left them sitting there.

“Well-placed hate, if you ask me,” Alec slurred.

Magnus turned and he chuckled. Alec was determined on glaring at him, but the problem was that he was getting sleepy and his eyes would shut for a few seconds before he’d pull them apart. It took him a couple seconds to remember that he was supposed to be glaring but when he remembered he glared with renewed gusto. Until he fell asleep again for a few seconds.

“Let’s get you back to bed then,” Magnus said softly as he helped Alec out of the chair and led him back to the bedroom. “I don’t know what the hell are in these pills but I wonder if they make everyone rave about fruit and sleep like the dead?”

“Cactus,” Alec declared sleepily as they stumbled through the door.

“Of course, darling.” Magnus set Alec carefully onto the bed, mindful of all his injured areas. He tucked an arm protectively around Alec’s back as Alec leaned into his pillow. He grabbed the covers that collected at the foot of his bed and pulled them over Alec’s sleeping form. He tucked them under Alec’s chin and smoothed a hand down Alec’s covered chest.   His fingers were light and his touch barely had any pressure at all. His hand stilled and Alec’s breath moved his hand up and down.

His gaze ran up the cover to Alec’s face. The crinkles that were sometimes there in the corners of Alec’s eyes were smoothed with sleep but the bruises looked more vivid than ever. Magnus’ hand went up to brush over Alec’s eyebrows and down over the angry colour with his fingertips. A slight crease formed between Alec’s eyebrows and he pulled his head away a little.

Magnus bent down a pressed a soft kiss to Alec’s hairline. “Sleep well, love,” he whispered.

* * *

Magnus woke up because he couldn’t breathe.

He scrambled up into a sitting position on the couch and the blanket fell dejectedly to his feet. His fingers scrambled against the sides of the couch as he tried to inhale. He gripped the couch with whitened knuckles now but his breath barely trickled down his throat. His panicked eyes darted frantically around the room but the darkness didn’t come to his aid. A wailing sound came out of his mouth but he wondered how he even had enough air to produce a sound of any sort.

A cold fear shot through his veins and paralyzed his muscles. The walls of his chest expanded in the vain hope that the motion would trick his lungs into working properly. The fear slid over from the passenger seat and deftly replaced Magnus behind the wheel. Magnus was left on the curbside watching the car’s lights get dimmer, dimmer, gone. His thoughts were scattered and he tried to pull the right words together to form a thought. A coherent thought. A calming thought. A thought of any kind really at that point. He wasn’t in control.

Magnus heard the sound again and realized that he wasn’t the one making them. They were coming from his bedroom. It was Alec. A rational thought fought through the haze of fear to be heard. These weren’t his emotions. They were Alec’s.

_Oh God, what if Alec’s punctured a lung and that’s why he can’t breathe? What if he’s scared because he can’t call out for help?_

He pulled himself onto unsteady feet and stumbled across to his room. The faint trickle of light coming from the full moon outside his window was enough to show Alec stirring restlessly. His covers were kicked down almost to his waist. Alec let out a deep, painful moan and it was enough to tug Magnus to his side. Magnus bent down over Alec but his knees shook so bad that he had to kneel down beside the bed. Alec’s back arched and a gasp slid past his parted lips and dissolved into the night. He felt Alec’s fear as it turned the blood in his veins to ice. The sweat that beaded Alec’s hairline had an almost ethereal quality to it as it almost shimmered in the moonlight.

Magnus reached a hand out and laid it on Alec’s chest. He felt the dampness of his t-shirt and for a moment he thought that Alec’s flesh was quivering but he realized that it was his own hand. Beneath his palm, Alec’s heart ran urgently and if Magnus was to hazard a guess, he would guess that his own heart rate wasn’t too far behind. Alec let out a cry that Magnus could feel as it reverberated under his fingers. His hands were clammy and he brushed a bead of sweat trickling down his forehead away on his shoulder. He was sweating; _they_ were sweating pure, concentrated adrenaline.

“Alec, it’s okay. You’re having a nightmare, you’re okay.” Magnus rubbed light circles on his chest, encircling Alec’s heart. The fabric of Alec’s t-shirt stuck to Magnus’ sticky hands and he had to stop to smooth out the rumpled mess. Alec’s breath rose up to meet him and then he just stopped. It was as if Alec’s body had hit pause on all functions. He stopped breathing, stopped twitching and stopped moaning. He exhaled all the fear.  

All of a sudden, Alec gave a huge gasp and he started shaking. He inhaled sadness. He mumbled something over and over again. Just one word, the same word. Magnus leaned in closer and he could just faintly make it out.  "Max."

Magnus wondered who Max was and what he was doing in Alec’s nightmares. He wondered why Alec was so scared of Max. He thought that maybe it had something to do with why Alec had left the old firehouse.

Alec’s breath chocked on the name. His hands were fisted in the covers. Magnus brushed just one shaking finger against the hard ridges of Alec’s knuckles until Alec fractionally loosened his grip. With his hands resting on top of Alec’s he closed his eyes and tried to swallow past Alec’s feelings. They were raw and the sadness throbbed inside him. It scraped against the inside of his eyes and ran its sharpened nails down his throat. Something warm trailed down his face and for one confused hiccup in time Magnus was convinced that it was going to be red.

He opened his eyes and with the back of his index finger he brushed away the tear that was tickling its way down the side of Alec’s face before it had the time to get absorbed into the pillow. He leaned down until his mouth was resting besides Alec’s ear.

“It’s just a nightmare,” Magnus whispers across the landscape of the pillow. “Darling, you’re having a nightmare but it will all be alright if you just wake up.”

Magnus wasn’t sure how long he whispered for but a good while later, when his knees were cramped up and his back was seizing, the feelings finally abated. He would have liked to think that it was his whispering that drew Alec out of his nightmare but rationally he knew that the nightmare had just run its course and Alec had entered into another stage of sleep.

He slid down to the floor and lay back, exhausted. He was completely spent. His muscles ached and trembled slightly as they tried to loosen. He stared up at the ceiling and took comfort in the default that seeped into the darkness. Alec’s foot twitched in his sleep and Magnus froze for he was sure that a brother of the nightmare was going to intrude on Alec’s slumber. The covers moved some more but then they settled and Alec’s light snores filled the silence.

Magnus urged himself to get up and move back to the couch. At one point he wasn’t sure if he’d already done so or if had just half-asleep imagined himself doing so.

* * *

When Magnus opened his eyes for the second time his first thought was that he’d shrunk in his sleep. His second thought was that Alec was a giant.

“I’m fairly positive you could have found a more comfortable place than the wood floor,” Alec said peering down at him. “I’m pretty sure sleeping in the dryer would have been better.”

Magnus groaned as he pushed himself into a standing position. His stiff back agreed with Alec’s observation. When he was finally on two feet he took a proper look at Alec.

“How do you feel?” Magnus asked. The bruises under Alec’s eyes were darker and the edges were starting to turn different colours. It looked even worse than yesterday. Magnus noticed with some relief that the bump near Alec’s hairline had gotten smaller. There was a slight pinched quality to Alec’s face.

Alec gave a small shrug of his shoulders, probably all that his abused ribs allowed. “It’s kind of just a constant dull pain. Not too bad though, I’ve had worse before.”

Magnus thought of the burn scars he saw on Alec’s back.

Alec pointed to the kitchen. “I’m just going to get a glass of water,” he said as he walked out of the room. “What were you doing sleeping on the floor anyway?” Alec asked as he opened a couple cupboards before he found a glass.

Magnus swallowed. He thought about lying. He had almost convinced his tongue to form the shape of an excuse but his mind wasn’t so easily swayed.

“Who’s Max?” Magnus blurted the question before he had the time to talk himself out of it. He asked before he could tell himself that he didn’t want to push Alec to tell him things. He asked before he had enough time to dwell on the fact that maybe Alec was just the type to never offer up any important facts and always left it up to Magnus to tiredly put the facts together like a burned-out Sherlock Holmes.   

Alec didn’t say anything. The individual seconds grouped themselves into decades. The water was running over the sides of the glass that Alec held underneath the faucet. Magnus felt Alec rally between emotions.

“Where did you hear that name?” Alec’s voice bellied nothing but his emotions sang a different tune. Magnus walked over to his side with leaden legs. He turned off the water and turned to look at Alec but Alec’s eyes were fixed on the glass in his hand.

“You were having a nightmare last night and you kept repeating that name,” Magnus said gently. Alec whirled around with the glass still in his hand, sloshing water in an arc.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he mumbled as he left the room. But Magnus had come too far to let it go. He followed the coin-sized water droplets into the next room.

“You never tell me anything,” Magnus yelled in frustration. “I feel like I always have to drags things out of you because you’ll never actually come out and say things. It shouldn’t be this damn hard! I tell _you_ things but I feel like I’m not important enough to you, that you don’t trust me enough to do the same.”

Alec whipped away from Magnus and spun around to face him. “I never _asked_ you to tell me things,” Alec roared.

Magnus threw his hands up. “But that’s what people _do_ in a relationship,” Magnus shouted back.

“If that’s what a relationship is then maybe I don’t want to be in one,” Alec snapped.

Magnus sucked in a sharp breath. “You don’t get to decide that in the middle of an argument,” he retorted. Magnus sighed. “Just tell me what you’re hiding,” Magnus said with earnest tiredness. “Who’s Max?”

“Fine, you want me to tell you things? You really want to know?” Alec’s question was dipped in venom. A spasm of pain flashed over his face but he looked at Magnus angrily. His hand tightened around the glass.

“Max was my brother.”

Alec laughed a humourless, broken laugh.

“And I killed him.”    

Alec threw the glass to the floor in a shower of glistening shards and glossy droplets before he stormed out of the room.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all of you who are still reading and leaving comments and not to mention kudosing (I'm pretty sure that's not even a word, haha). :)


	23. Baby Teeth and Unravellings

_What?_

The shock of the statement had Magnus rooted to the floor. The question mark cart wheeled through his brain until he felt like the sharp edges had shredded his tissue. It was only the slamming of his front door that jolted him out of it. He took a step forward then faltered. The shards from Alec’s shattered glass glared up at him defiantly, effectively barricading him into the room. He circled around the worst of it and tip toed around the rest.

“Alec, just wait – _ow shit_ ,” he hobbled a little when he felt something slice into the vulnerable skin near the arch of his foot, but he was not deterred. In wet socks he hurried and pulled open the front door to see Alec half way down his walkway. Magnus shivered in the winter wind and his socks started to harden as the water froze.

Magnus ran down the steps and caught up to Alec. He grabbed hold of Alec’s arm.

“Where are you going?”

It was the force of Alec’s anger that fueled his movements. Alec whirled around to face Magnus. He glared at Magnus and his breath froze in the space between them. In the space between them – no more than two hand widths – Magnus felt the frost start its crystalline assent over the tether that linked them together. The glittery diamond-shaped frost stuck to the edges of such things like trust and dependability and Magnus watched as the pattern ate its way to the centre. Under Alec’s scowl, Magnus saw their relationship turn red and then white from frostbite. A sudden thumping started in his head, like someone was repeatedly kicking the inside of his eyeballs.

Alec tried to wrench his arm back. “Let go. I’m going home.”

The kicking turned to jumping. The anger on Alec’s face flickered for a moment before it reappeared. Magnus placed the pain. “I can’t just let you leave with no coat and a pounding headache.” Magnus gently pulled Alec’s elbow towards the direction of the door.   “Come on, let’s just go inside.”

Alec pulled his arm so hard that it jarred Magnus’ elbow. “Oh yeah, and just how the hell would you know how I’m feeling? Just go inside and leave me alone,” Alec snapped and he tried once more to turn away from Magnus but Magnus held fast. It was his toes, not his fingers that were losing sensation.

Some of the fire left Magnus’ voice. “Love, it’s freezing out here. Just come inside.” He gave Alec’s arm another tug. “You don’t even need to talk, just come inside. Please.”

Alec laughed harshly and for a bare moment proof of the sound hung suspended in the air before it scattered.

“Did you not hear what I said before?” Alec pushed each word out with force; he threw them at Magnus with unrelenting, merciless force. “I killed my brother. My own brother. Why are you touching me, why are you even _looking_ at me?” Alec raised his voice and it rang out in the stillness of the morning. Magnus waited until Alec was done, until it was only his wild eyes that were shifting back and forth. He replied softly, as if by lowering his voice he could somehow bring things back to some makeshift equilibrium.

“Because I don’t believe you.”

“God,” Alec wailed. He looked up to find something, maybe it was his patience, some energy or a direct call to whoever pulled the strings. Alec looked back down at Magnus and his eyes pleaded with him. “Just stop, okay, just stop. Stop trying to make things better and trying to understand because you won’t be able to, you can’t. Stop trying to paint me into something I’m not in your head. You’ll only be disappointed later.”

“You know what makes me sad? It’s that you genuinely believe that.” Magnus shook his head. “I don’t know why you blind yourself to who you really are, to how your friends see you, to how I see you.”

“I couldn’t save him,” Alec shot by way of answer. He dug the bony parts of his palm into his eyebrows. “He was my brother, my baby brother, and it was my job to protect him. Maybe if I would have just checked on him before going to sleep or woken up when his door creaked.” Alec fisted the fabric of his shirt above his heart and tugged at it wildly. “He was so young, his front two teeth had just fallen out.” Alec’s voice fissured, cracked then broke. He stood there cupping the jagged pieces of his heart in his hands and he held it out, begging Magnus to fix it.

Magnus could almost see the rivulets of blood seeping through Alec’s fingers as he desperately tried to hold it all together. The tornado of emotions tore through with no end in sight, an infinite diameter equating to unfathomable damage.

In the attic of his mind – a place full of dusty neurons with old memories stuffed into cells that were piled on top of each other like cardboard boxes – Magnus remembered the crinkle of his mother’s eyes, the contagious boom of his father’s laughter. He remembered the firestorm that had raged inside him after their deaths and in that moment, as he looked at Alec, he knew. There was a tiredness that rose up from within him that stemmed from knowing that he would do just about anything, _anything_ , but it wouldn’t help.

There was no patching, no glue, no drug in the world that could help. And time? Time wasn’t a remedy, it was a balm; it healed the skin on top only to hide what festered below. Time was the universal lie that people told each other when they had nothing else to offer. Time didn’t help you to cope, it only helped you forget.

Alec folded in on himself and bent down, his entire body shook from soundless sobs.

Magnus felt like he was coming apart and he didn’t know just how much of that was coming from Alec and how much was his own reaction. He took a step forward and pulled Alec into him. Alec shook harder. His hands fumbled up Magnus’ shirt until he’d pulled himself up and his forehead rested on Magnus’ collarbone. A high pitch keen came out of Alec but was bit back.

Magnus felt his breath catch at the desolation of the sound.

One hand cupped the back of Alec’s neck and the other landed on the arch of his back. With both hands, he pulled Alec closer until they were so close that they were almost one. The winter wind whistled around them angrily because it could not run between them. There, in the small measure of safety that Magnus could offer, Alec let the sound that was kicking the inside of his teeth to come out.

Between them they had a concussion, a broken nose, a cut foot, a cracked rib, a kaleidoscope of bruises, a mild case of frostbite and two bleeding hearts.


	24. Earthquakes and Hot Chocolate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for the late update. Things are a little hectic on my side so new chapters may not be posted as quickly as before. Thanks for your patience everyone! You guys are great. :)

Alec breathed him in.

There was nothing else left to do. Alec breathed him in and stole one greedy pocketful of warmth after the other until he felt guilty in his selfishness, but he couldn’t stop.

His head throbbed where it rested against Magnus’ collarbone but he didn’t want to lift his face. He wanted to keep his eyes shut tight and wish away what had just happened. There were too many things between them now. Now, Magnus was standing too close – too close not to notice the faults that got overlooked.

There were jagged, irregular shapes between them and they stabbed him through his clothes, worse than the winter wind ever could. He’d sat on the box to keep everything contained but he’d just shifted slightly and it’d burst open. They boasted their freedom by jumping up and down mockingly between them where Magnus and Alec couldn’t help but notice, couldn’t ignore. They shielded their eyes from the brightness of the world and swelled with newfound vitality until they were too large for Alec to force back into the box.

Alec’s fingers gripped the front of Magnus’ shirt as if that would prevent Magnus from leaning back and seeing the truth that was squished between their bodies. He focused on the hands that were on his back, the way they smoothed along the lines of his spine as if Magnus could somehow push together the edges where Alec was slowly starting to peel apart. He felt Magnus’ breath weave through his hair and provide some measure of warmth before that too was eaten up by the cold. For a minute he was able to convince himself that they were clinging to each other out of passion and not fear, that the two of them were only hiding from the cold.

Alec opened his eyes to the pain that vibrated through him when he shivered. He looked down at the ground and felt his face twist when he saw Magnus’ feet. His _feet,_ not his shoes.

“Jesus, Magnus, where are your boots?” His voice came out rough, like it had been scraped away by a carrot peeler, or he’d chain smoked an entire pack of cigarettes.  

“Obviously not where they’re supposed to be,” he felt Magnus reply from where his forehead rested on Magnus’ chest. The reply was choppy though as the words were bitten out between shivers and chattering teeth.

Alec watched Magnus’ feet step back, out of his line of sight. His fingers lost the grip they had on Magnus’ shirt and the fabric scraped past his numb fingertips. Only then did he feel the full impact of winter’s fury. His muscles tensed involuntarily from the cold and his head flashed in time with his screaming side. He stuck his hands under his arms but even that last alcove of heat had run cold. His eyes climbed over the loose gravel of the driveway until they hit the dark cotton material of Magnus’ sock. Alec’s gaze jumped up onto Magnus’ toes and grappled its way up the side of his pants, where at least the seams provided some handholds, and over the flat expanse of his chest. It stopped for a break in the triangular dip of Magnus’ throat until all the bumping and thumping of Magnus’ heartbeat made it motion sick. With a dizzying speed Alec’s gaze covered the rest of Magnus until he had no choice but to look into Magnus’ face.

The eyes were too much. There was too much there so Alec looked down at Magnus’ chin.

His chin was safe territory.

On a scale, Magnus’ eyebrows were risky, his mouth was dangerous, but his eyes, well they were downright lethal. His eyes were thieves that stole his breath and any semblance of coherent thought Alec managed to string together.

Magnus’ teeth clinked together.

“Can we go in now?” Magnus asked softly. It was a tired question where the letters were stretched thin like chewing gum being pulled in opposite directions.

He wanted so desperately to look up but his eyes, along with the rest of him, were frozen. His eyes and legs, after a hesitant second where he had to find a way to unbuckle his knees, followed Magnus’ back up the three steps and through the half open door. When he was inside Magnus closed the door softly, wordlessly behind them.

He felt Magnus’ expectant gaze, waiting for Alec to say something. Alec was too embarrassed to look at him. Any other person would have sat down with Magnus and would have told him the difficult story in a more manageable way.

_But no, I just had to bite his head off when he asked me a simple question, break his dishware and then go storming out of his house like a lunatic._  

His teeth collided in an uncontrollable shiver. His knee caps were bouncing up and down as the shivers took control of his body. At this point he was 25% human, 30% shame and 45% shivers. His ribs rapped their knuckles against in his brain in a _‘would you stop this foolishness!’_ gesture but obviously there was no one home.

For lack of a better thing to do, Alec crouched down to untie his bootlaces. He squeezed a hand against his side when it protested. He heard Magnus’ socks slap against the tiled floor. He felt fingers brush against the curve of his shoulder but they were so light he might have imagined them.

“Leave them on,” Magnus said gently as he passed by. “I don’t want you to cut yourself.”

Alec followed Magnus to the living room. He stared shamefully at the mess of glass that he’d made as he passed the kitchen. His boots thudded harshly against the floor. Magnus sank into the couch and Alec sat down next to him, a handful of inches away. Alec reached down and with numb fingers and gritted teeth he untied his laces and slipped off his boots.

“Good idea.”

Magnus crossed one foot over his knee and slipped off his sock. Alec noticed that Magnus had just about as much luck getting his fingers to listen to him as his did. His guilt only increased when he noticed that Magnus’ socks were actually crunching from where the water had frozen.

Magnus studied his bare feet on the floor and so did Alec. They screamed red. Another shiver rolled through him and it blended into the next one. He felt Magnus tremble too. Alec was pretty sure the couch was moving from the two of them.

The cushion shifted as Magnus got up. “I’ll be right back,” he said as he went towards the bedroom. He stared after Magnus’ retreating form and he was just itching to make a run for it. He would never forgive himself if he did.   Neither would Magnus. He knew that that would be the end of everything and anything between them.

He closed his eyes and willed himself to stay. He heard Magnus come back. He opened his eyes to see Magnus reaching towards him with a blanket in hand. He wrapped the soft, yellow wool dotted with white polka dots around his shoulders and Alec leaned forward a little so it would slide around his back. He grabbed the edges of the blanket and brought his fists under his chin.

His body vibrated until the shivers turned into something else. There was an earthquake passing through him. His organs desperately linked an arm around the closest rib to anchor themselves while his bones slid and rattled against each other like tectonic plates. He wondered why the force didn’t vibrate him off the couch. He clutched the blanket tighter around him but it fluttered under the force of the shaking; the dotted pattern on the blanket came to life under the motion. Every nerve ending shouted angrily but he couldn’t stop.

Something caved in inside of him.

The tiny fissures that coated his insides developed into cracks and it all crumbled. There was nothing left inside of him just the ruble of what used to be. He sifted through and it was like walking through the pieces of a house after the storm had cut by. He found larger items here and there that he was able to identify amongst the jumble; he toed his left ventricle, brushed away hepatic cells to reveal his glomerulus and tangled within the bubbles of alveoli he spotted a chunk of his spleen relatively intact.

He looked up at Magnus. He wanted to tell him that there were so many things inside of him that he wanted to share with him but he just didn’t know how. He wanted to show him that of course he cared, because hurting Magnus was not something he ever wanted to do. He wanted to take his hand and ask him about the loneliness that sometimes flashed across his face, because he noticed –even if he never brought it up. He wanted to look him in the eye and tell him that he loved him and when Magnus would smile and ask how much he wanted to say that his arms couldn’t possible reach far enough.

“Thank you,” he said instead. The words scraped against his throat.

Magnus’ face was at war with itself: a breath of a smile pulled at the corner of his mouth but his eyes pulled down. He smiled but his eyes were sad. Alec didn’t know what to believe: his eyes or his mouth. Another shiver rolled up his spine and he hugged the blanket harder against him.

“I’ll get something to warm us up.” Magnus scanned Alec’s face for a moment longer before he disappeared behind Alec and into the kitchen. Alec heard the squeak of a cupboard opening and a pot being placed on the stove. His breath hissed between his teeth when a wave of pain swept through his head.

Something hit the floor in the kitchen and he heard Magnus curse. His trembling muscles shook underneath the blanket as they tried to get warm.

“Are you –“

“I’m fine,” Magnus replied before Alec could finish. “I’m down about two litre of milk but other than that, just fine.” He heard something slap the inside of the sink.

With the blanket still wrapped around him he got up and waddled into the kitchen. Magnus was on the floor with a sponge, angrily squeezing the mess out into a bowl. He looked up when he heard Alec come in and wiped the side of his face tiredly against his shoulder.

Alec cleared his throat. “Well I would offer to get on the floor and roll through it a couple times, it would be faster than using the sponge, but then you’d have to wash the blanket. Maybe not the best idea,” he added quietly.

With the sponge still in his hand, Magnus sat back on his heels and looked up at Alec. The harsh lines on his face smoothed out and he smiled a small smile that didn’t get paired with sad eyes.

“I bet that’s exactly what Jem had in mind when he told me that you had to take it easy,” he said, still looking at Alec from the floor.

A warmth spread through Alec, something more than the blanket could have ever hoped of doing.

Magnus lightly threw the sponge into the puddle of milk. “I was going to make hot chocolate, but obviously the floor had other plans.”

Alec smiled wryly. “It’s okay, there’s no use crying and all that.”

Magnus grinned. “Why don’t you go sit down and I’ll be in there in a little while. I’ll put the kettle on and pray that I have better luck this time.”

Alec cocked his head to the side. “I have a better idea,” he said quietly as he walked towards Magnus. He picked a dry bit of laminate behind Magnus and sat down. His rib twinged when he leaned back against the cupboards. “I’ll keep you company.”

Magnus grinned back at him and Alec had to swallow at the warmth he saw in Magnus’ eyes.

_The criminals! No wonder it’s so cold outside, his eyes hold all the warmth._

Magnus turned around and continued sponging the mess into the bowl. He worked in silence and Alec watched the glass bowl slowly fill. Alec tugged a corner of the blanket that got dangerously close to the milk. He fiddled and played the corner of the blanket between his fingers and pressed his thumb over a white polka dot.

“I’m sorry about what I said before – about not wanting to be in a relationship,” Alec said soflty. He looked up when Magnus stopped cleaning. Magnus turned around and his eyes searched Alec’s face.

“Did you mean it?” he asked just as quietly.  

Alec frowned. “No, of course I didn’t. I don’t know why I said it. You were being pushy and I was mad. I wanted to take it back the moment I said it.”

Magnus sighed and it seemed like all his energy left with that breath because his shoulders dropped and his head hung. He threw the sponge once more into the mess and he pulled himself beside Alec. He leaned his head back until it was resting against the wooden cupboard door and closed his eyes.

“I don’t want you to tell me things because you’d feel guilty if you didn’t. I’m not the possessive boyfriend who wants to know which friend you went to see or who’s texting you when your phone vibrates. I just want to know that maybe someday you’ll tell me the important things, and not because I found out but because you _want_ to tell me, because you feel comfortable enough to tell me.” Magnus lowered his head to look Alec in the eye. “I just want a ‘maybe someday’ with you.”

“I want us to have a ‘maybe someday,’” Alec said without wavering. He saw Magnus’ mouth twist into a weak smile, but when he looked up he saw that sad eyes had made a reappearance.

“Darling you’ve been running for so long. I’m scared that you’re going to run right by me,” Magnus whispered.

Alec exhaled. “Magnus, I’m tired. I’m just so tired.”

Magnus looked away. “I don’t know if I’m enough to make you stop.” Alec almost missed the murmured confession.

He looked at Magnus. He reached out and touched a finger to Magnus’ cheek when he wouldn’t look back. Magnus turned his head. Alec looked into the eyes that were filled with specks – specks of gold and fear. The rest of his fingers claimed a surface on Magnus’ cheek and he cupped the side of Magnus’ face with one hand.

“You made me slow down. I really want you to be.”

 

 


	25. Lightbulbs and Lemons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for putting up with my embarrassingly long waits between updates.

They sat like that for what seemed like ages. Until the milk soaked into the grout between the tiles and the muscles of their backs seized. Magnus leaned fully against his cupboard and he didn’t care that the handle was marking out a knobby dent between his shoulder blades. Alec’s hand was braided through his own and it rested between them on the cold tile floor.  
He felt like he held the entire world in the cup of his hand.  
When the cold from the floor creeped far enough up his spine, Magnus stiffly got to his feet all the while never letting go of Alec’s hand. Alec looked up at him and Magnus smiled at the upturned face while he gently tugged on Alec’s hand. Alec put a hand on the cupboard behind him and pushed himself off the floor, pinching the blanket to his chest with his chin. Magnus’ cheek twitched when the motion pulled at Alec’s cracked rib. A shadowed part of his heart melted when Alec didn’t let go of his hand even though it would have made it much easier for him to get up.  
They stood in front of each other now. Magnus was close enough to trace the laugh creases that were starting to form at the corners of Alec’s eyes. He was close enough to smell his shampoo – a mix of cucumber and lemon. He was close enough to see Alec’s heartbeat thumping along at the dip in the base of his neck. Magnus really wanted to kiss him there and feel Alec’s life thud against his lips.  
They were a bit unsure of each other. They’d reached a point where letting go and turning back would not only be harder but damn foolish. The secrets were starting to come out, winking all the while. They could only stand back and wait while the secrets materialized to see whose secret was taking shape.  
Magnus knew his secret was going to go off like a bomb one day. He was just waiting for the timer to stop ticking.  
Alec’s hand squeezed two beats into his hand. He looked at Magnus with curious eyes. Magnus squeezed back a reply and smiled lightly. Maybe this was going to be their new way of communication – like their own Morse Code. Two beats is a question mark and one beat is a reassurance.  
Magnus found that he quite liked the idea.  
He pulled on Alec’s hand and Alec stumbled a step closer to him. He was so close now that Magnus was going cross-eyed trying to look into Alec’s eyes. Magnus closed his eyes and tasted the air.  
It tasted like caramel.  
The air between them still smoked from the fire they’d had to put out. The sugar between them melted from the heat of the dying embers but didn’t burn. Magnus rolled the taste around in his mouth and swallowed it all in surprise when a satin-gloved hand smoothed along his nerve endings. The silken touch made him exhale as muscles he didn’t even know were tense relaxed. He felt as if the gravitational force of the planet multiplied tenfold and he was content to never move again. The hand trailed its fingertips along the contours of its heart and he felt light enough to float away, needing only Alec’s soft exhales to keep him afloat.  
It was peace.  
He was feeling Alec’s peace.  
Magnus opened his eyes. Alec’s eyes were closed lightly and the pinched look of pain that had ruled for so many hours was erased from his face. Magnus impulsively leaned forward and kissed the knobby knuckles on the hand that Alec was using to hold the blanket against his chest.  
Magnus straightened slowly and he looked at Alec’s face. His gaze snagged and caught. Alec was looking at him with a look so soft it was almost butter. Something at the base of his esophagus fluttered at the tenderness.  
He couldn’t help himself.  
He let himself be pulled in by the look and paused a mere whisper’s breath away from Alec’s chapped lips. Alec closed the gap unbearably slow until he pressed his roughened lips against Magnus’ with a feather’s touch.  
All the lightbulbs inside him lit up. He always just assumed they needed to be replaced. He burned with a heavenly fire and the light chased away all the shadows of doubt and loneliness that had started to grow in the waning light. Before Alec had wiggled himself deep enough to act like a generator.  
Alec pulled away just enough to let them breath. Alec’s hand squeezed Magnus’ hand twice. Magnus closed the inch between them and kissed Alec while his fingers tightened around Alec’s hand. Alec’s mouth smiled against his own and Magnus couldn’t help but smile back. They couldn’t keep kissing when they were being two smiling idiots.  
The pulled away and they were still smiling. Alec was looking at him with fresh eyes – eyes that were missing some of the chains that glinted before.  
Magnus pointed his chin towards the living room. “D’you want to watch a movie?” Magnus felt weird talking after going so long without needing words.  
“Yeah, okay.” Alec was still smiling lightly.  
Magnus gave Alec’s hand a slight push towards the living room. “There’s a stack of movies in the space below the tv. You want to pick a movie while a finish up in here?”  
Magnus watched Alec leave the kitchen, one corner of the blanket trailed lightly against the floor. He knelt by the spill and picked up the sponge. He sponged what was left of the milk into a bowl while his mind was a million miles away.  
The lightbulbs burned bright without a thought of flickering.  
He knew he was in trouble.  
If Alec left one day Magnus knew that the lightbulbs wouldn’t only wink out, they’d shatter into dust.  
He was in trouble, but trouble never felt so good before.


	26. Tape and Forgiveness

Alec settled the blanket around him while he waited for Magnus to come out from the kitchen.  He leaned his back against the arm of the couch and stretched his legs out on the couch, trying to wiggle the blanket so that it covered most of his legs.  The movie he chose rested on his lap.  He stared down at Jack Lemmon’s  goofy grin, Marilyn Monroe’s sultry eyes and Tony Curtis’ suggestive eyebrows from _Some Like it Hot._

_It really doesn’t matter what Tony Curtis does - he’d be downright swoon-worthy even in a Barney-the-dinosaur costume._

Alec peered over the top of the couch in the direction of the kitchen.  With Magnus’ back to him it was kind of hard to tell but it looked like he was almost done cleaning.  He studied Magnus’ back and tried to figure out just when his heart had ended up in Magnus’ pocket.  He wondered how after everything that had happened between them today Magnus didn’t shuffle him out the door with apologies and a pat on the back.  He wondered how mere minutes ago he was so cold he thought his teeth were going to crack from all the chattering but now he felt languid on the couch and he shivered for completely different reasons. 

There had to be a catch somewhere, like in every other good thing, but at that moment Alec found he couldn’t be bothered to care.  When the catch came to life he hoped it would be small enough to step on. 

Magnus stood up and with the bowl of off-colored milk and the sponge he walked over to the sink.  He clattered in the sink as he cleaned up.  The window above the sink let in the golden hues of the setting sun and it painted over Magnus.  Magnus’ hair shone an almost dark blue.

Alec leaned the side of his head against the back of the couch and closed his eyes.  He felt more whole than he had in a long while.  It was ironic really.  He felt like maybe the mortar between the bricks making up the wall inside of him was starting to crumble from age.  Before, when he’d been close enough to Magnus to count each individual eyelash, he felt a brick come loose and tumble down only to break into pieces too small to fit back together again.  The feeling that had followed made Alec want to steal the keys to a wrecking ball and press it into Magnus’ palm. 

“Are you sleeping?” 

Alec opened his eyes to find Magnus standing by his feet.  “No, just resting.”  His mouth twisted.  “I don’t know how I can still be tired.”

“Could be the last of the medicine wearing off,” Magnus suggested.  “If you want to take a nap that’s okay too; we can do the movie another time.”

“Oh no,” Alec smiled cheekily up at Magnus as he held out the movie.  “I want to see Jack Lemmon’s shapely legs.”

Magnus took the movie from Alec and laughed when he saw the title.  “Lemmon does make a pretty good woman,” Magnus said as he went over to the DVD player. 

Alec made a noise of agreement.  “He’s even got the walk down; Curtis looks more like a tank when he’s walking in those high heels.”  Magnus waved a hand in the air when Alec started to reposition on the couch to give Magnus room.

Magnus picked up Alec’s feet and sat down at the other end of the couch.  He lowered Alec’s feet onto his lap.  He tucked the edges of the blanket in around his feet and Magnus’ hands rested on Alec’s ankles. 

“Okay?” Magnus asked as he put his feet up onto the coffee table.

“Mh-hmm.”

He was miles away from _okay._   _Okay_ was a speck on the horizon.  Things were definitely not _okay._ They were _okay’s_ lesser-seen cousin, _spectacular._

As the introductory credits started to roll across the screen Alec pulled the blanket up to his chin and let out a slow breath into the soft fabric.  The heat tingled against the tip of his nose and ran along the curves of his chin.  Magnus’ hands gently rubbed his ankles.

“Are you still cold, love?”

A sparkle of delight fizzed through him from the endearment.  He felt like he swallowed a lightning bug and it was ping-ponging inside him trying to get free.

“No, I feel great.”

“All things considering?”

“All things considering,” Alec agreed.

And he did.  Because even though it hurt every time he yawned or sneezed or even breathed deeply and even though the nagging ache of a headache was buried deep inside his head, he felt great.  Alec looked away from the opening credits at the messy-haired, tired man sitting next to him.  His eyes dropped to where Magnus’ hands were drawing little shapes into his ankles, almost absent-mindedly, as he watched the movie. 

Alec figured that if every day somehow managed to end like this then he would have to go out and make many photocopies of the word _great._   Magnus chuckled at something in the movie and Alec smiled – almost reflexively – even though he wasn’t looking at the tv anymore.  He leaned his head against the side of the couch and inhaled the moment. 

It was pure vanilla sugar.   

And for the first time in a very long time, he wasn’t tapping around for any fault lines.  The ground was steady at the moment and if tomorrow the plates in the cupboard started rattling and the sand started spilling from the cracked hourglass, well then he’d grab Magnus’ hand and pull him out into a field of wild Prim Roses until the shaking stopped.  Then together they’d go back, with glue and tape and forgiveness in hand, to fix all the things that their words had broken.  

But right then, he didn’t want to think about earthquakes and broken picture frames.  He’d already felt the tremors today but as he sat with his feet up on Magnus’ lap and wrapped in more than a cocoon of just warmth and blankets, he wasn’t weary of any aftershocks. 

There was something knobby in his throat.  Somewhere, along the transit-way between his heart, brain and mouth, the words had gotten stuck.  They grew larger and larger every day, pressed against his throat, until he was sure that those who looked at him could read the words based purely on the bulging outline.  The vanilla sugar he inhaled coated the words.  It tickled his urge to cough but he swallowed against the urge because if he coughed he was sure the words were going to come tumbling out.

He ran into burning buildings but he never claimed to be brave.

* * *

“Alec?”

“Alec?”

Alec squirmed when he felt hands run from his ankle, up to his shins and then back down again.  He closed his mouth and swallowed thickly.  When he pried one of his eyes open he had to squint against the glare of the tv.  He squinted and noticed that it was paused on the ending credits. 

“What d’I miss?” he mumbled drowsily as he pried his face away from the back of the couch.  He groaned and grimaced at the stiffness of his neck and ran a finger down the side of his face.

“Oh not much,” Magnus said lightly. 

“Oh.”  Alec’s fingers traced the indentations patterns on his cheek.   “Awh.”  He scrunched his face, still happy not to open his eyes, and his fingers searched along the fabric on the back of the couch.  His fingers stilled and he patted around. 

“I drooled on your couch.” 

Magnus laughed and he felt it shake up his legs. 

“S’not funny,” Alec said in sleepy indignation.  “Who wants a boyfriend who _drools_ all over everything?”

Alec felt hands give his ankles two quick squeezes.

“Don’t worry.  If you made it your life’s mission to go around my house, drooling sloppily on everything I’d park your cute little bum on the curb with my recycling in the morning.”

Alec smiled into the couch.  “Y’think my bum’s cute?”

“No, I think _you’re_ cute.  Your bum just comes along with the package, just a collateral benefit.”

“Just?” Alec echoed.

Magnus snorted.  “Fine.  A _damn dazzling_ collateral benefit.  There, happy?”

“Getting there,” Alec mumbled.

Alec felt Magnus get up and he placed Alec’s feet on the ground, much to Alec’s protests. 

“Come on,” Magnus wheedled as he stood in front of Alec, “time to get up and brush your teeth.”

Alec groaned but he still opened his eyes enough to see Magnus holding his hand out. 

“Ok, _mom._ ”

Still grumbling, he put his hand into Magnus’ and let himself be pulled up.  The hand kept pulling even when Alec was vertical, until Magnus’ mouth was on his own and he had to put a hand to Magnus’ shoulder to stop himself from completely barreling into Magnus.

He hummed when Magnus finished by brushing a kiss against his top lip.  Magnus pulled back a little and Alec saw no reason to open his eyes or take his free hand off Magnus’ shoulder.

“Does your mom do that?” Alec felt Magnus’ breath against his cheek.

The kiss left Alec dazedly searching for his voice.  “Not as well as you.”

Magnus laughed out a breath.  “Go on,” Magnus nudged him, “go brush your teeth and have a good sleep.  I’ll see you in the morning.”  He felt Magnus’ warm lips press against his temple, just a barely-there kiss.  Magnus started back towards the couch but Alec didn’t let go of his hand.

“Why don’t you stay with me tonight?”

Alec turned to wait for Magnus’ reply but Magnus just looked at him. 

“I mean, there’s no point in you sleeping on this uncomfortable couch when you have a bed upstairs and half of it isn’t even being used, “Alec pressed on.  “You can’t mean to tell me you’ve never had to share a bed before.”

Magnus smiled.  “Ragnor and I had to share a cheap hotel room when we had to go for a uni thing and we were both too broke to afford our own.  He kicked the whole night through.  It was like sleeping besides David Beckham...if David Beckham was short with a brown afro and slightly green-tinged skin from car-sickness.”

Alec laughed.  “See, there you go.”

“I’ve never shared a bed with someone I’ve liked as much as you though.”  Magnus looked at Alec softly.

Alec swallowed the admission and it made the words in his throat grow until it was hard to breathe.  He squeezed Magnus’ hand. 

“No funny business from you tonight, mister,” Alec admonished with a smile as he pulled Magnus towards the bedroom.

“I’m a perfect gentleman,” Magnus said in mock outrage, “especially towards the person who saved me from having to sleep on the couch.  You know, I heard some bloke drooled all over it.”

“Shut up,” Alec said while he laughed.

* * *

Alec was three quarters of the way asleep when he felt the covers stir and Magnus slipped in on the other side.  Alec rolled so he was facing Magnus.  He felt the mattress dip and when he opened his eyes a sliver he saw that Magnus had mirrored his movement.  He felt Magnus’ body heat start to wander over and it warmed his cold feet.  Alec tended to sleep curled around a pillow and god, he really hoped that he wasn’t going to do something stupid in his sleep.

“I breathe loudly,” Alec said.

“That’s okay, at least I won’t have to worry about not knowing if your rib punctures a hole in your lung in the middle of the night.”

“I lied, I snore.”

“Even better.”  Alec could hear the smile.

“I tend to hog the covers.”

“I’m usually hot in the middle of the night so that works well.”

After a minute or so of silence Alec peered his eyes open a little to look at Magnus again.  Magnus’ eyes were closed and his face relaxed as he breathed past his slightly parted lips. 

“I have nightmares that make me feel like I’m drowning,” Alec whispered across his pillow.

Alec closed his eyes just as Magnus’ hand slipped over his under the covers. 

“I know.”


	27. Dingoes and Passes

Magnus blinked his eyes open when he heard the sound.  He frowned at the ceiling as his muddy brain tried to place it.  When the bed dipped slightly Magnus frowned until he remembered he wasn’t alone.  He wondered if Alec was going to rouse but Alec just turned his head towards Magnus and brought his hand up to rest beside his face.  Alec’s foot must have been close to Magnus’ because he could feel the radiating heat. 

When he heard the sound again he reached out and sleepily patted along his bedside table until he found his phone.  It vibrated again in his hands as he brought it up to his face.  He squinted quite horrifically at the harsh light and cupped his hands around phone to hopefully contain the glare before it reached Alec. 

It was near close to midnight.  If it was Ragnor Magnus promised himself that first thing in the morning he would put him on eHarmony.  If he had to listen to one more rant about how he was filming a documentary in the Australian Outback and had his back turned for _one second_ when a dingo came and ate his camera he was going to set the Chairmen on him.  For near on a week he kept running around, like a very hairy and nauseous looking Meryl Sreep, wailing, “ _A dingo ate my camera, a dingo ate my camera!_ ”  Needless to say, nobody cared. 

Magnus came a little more awake when he saw that the message was from Tessa.

_Magnus I’m sorry, I tried to buy you some more time but Camille wouldn’t hear it.  She said, and these are her words mind you, that unless you’re dying from a giant parasitic worm you better get your bum to work or your bum is going to be out of a residency program.  …she might not have used the word ‘bum’… I really wish I could tell you otherwise but I think your only option is to come in tomorrow.  Send my love for Alec, I do hope he’s feeling better._

Magnus snorted.  _Parasitic worm._ She always did have a good imagination.  He looked over at Alec who was breathing softly beside him.  He wouldn’t have minded staying home for one more day; one more day where the two of them could properly relax.  Alec’s fingers twitched as they grasped something in his dream.  He felt the sanded corners of an exclamation mark carried along by the blood in his veins and he smiled softly down at Alec as he wondered what Alec was dreaming about. 

His screen lit up once more as he tapped out a quick reply.

_I’ll see you tomorrow morning then.  Thanks for keeping the wolf from my door for as long as you did.  I definitely owe you one.  P.S. Your G-rated translation of Camille’s message made me laugh. :)_

He yawned widely as he thumbed the send button.  His fingers fiddled on the edge of the phone until the screen turned off and he reached out to lay it flat on one of his books on his bedside table.  With a sigh, he buried down under the covers and tried not to jostle Alec as he found a comfortable position.  His hand lay on the bed, centimeters away from Alec’s back – close enough to feel his warmth and yet not nearly close enough. 

It was strange having someone else in his bed.  Whenever Alec shifted or made a sound, it drew Magnus out of his albeit superficial slumber because it was not part of the ordinary.  The dip in the mattress he felt if he settled himself closer to Alec was completely foreign and crazy thoughts kept tumbling down the soft slope only to collect against Alec.  Thoughts like, _What if I roll onto him because I forget that he’s there?_ or _What am I going to do with my morning-breath in a couple hours?_

Magnus made a face in the dark and rolled away from Alec.  Obviously sleep was not going to come if he was going to continue to work himself into a tizzy.  A glance at his alarm clock let him know that he’d have to be getting up in less than five hours.  Magnus groaned as he pushed his face into the pillow and tried to dispel the fantasies of poisoning Camille with something slow and merciless.  He felt the mattress move behind him and he pinched the covers under his chin before they could get drawn away.  Magus almost jumped when he felt Alec’s sock-clad feet brush against his ankle.  He remained still as Alec’s legs tangled in amongst his own but he couldn’t help the sleepy smile that pulled at his lips when Alec let out a drowsy sigh.  The tension he’d been holding in his stomach smoothed over and he felt himself being chased towards dreams, with the help of Alec’s breath stirring at the base of his neck.

* * *

Magnus’ hand slapped the shrieking alarm clock as he struggled to find the right button.  Beside him Alec frowned in his sleep and pulled the covers instinctively over his head.  With the alarm silenced Magnus turned to wake Alec but found only a tuft of black hair sticking out from under the covers.  Magnus smiled and yawned sloppily as he stretched his arms to the side and heard one of his shoulders crack.  He patted where he supposed Alec’s arm to be.

“We need to get up,” he said around another yawn.  He felt along the bed until he found Alec’s arm.  He gave it a small squeeze. “There are eggs downstairs,” Magnus wheedled.

Alec tipped his head back until his nose was poking out.  Magnus winced when he saw Alec’s face.  The bruises under his eyes were blue today. 

“Liar,” Alec mumbled and settled back into the pillow.

Magnus huffed a laugh.  “Well it’s not exactly a lie: there are eggs, they’re just not made.”

Alec made a sound of protest when Magnus rolled himself out of bed.  He pulled off his pyjama pants and stepped into his work pants.  He fiddled with his belt and smiled as Alec stretched his arm over to the warmth of Magnus’ residual body heat on Magnus’ side of the bed. 

“Where are you going?”  Alec didn’t even bother opening his eyes as he queried.

“I have to go into work today,” Magnus said through the shirt he was pulling over his head.  “Come on Alec, you’ve got to get up.  There’s a bus that comes a couple minutes before mine and it can take you home.”  Magnus fiddled with the collar of his shirt in front of the mirror.

Alec scrunched up his face.  “Can’t I just stay?” He mumbled into the covers.

Magnus looked over to Alec, _on his bed._  

_Lordy, that’s never going to get old._

“Stay?”

“Yeah.  I’ll stay here and you go to work,”

Magnus’ hands stilled.  “You want to stay?  I won’t be home until 3:00 though.”

“S’okay,” Alec mumbled, clearly happy to be able to go back to sleep.

Magnus gave an incredulous laugh.  He eyed himself in the mirror and ran his practised fingers through his hair before he grabbed his wallet off the cupboard.  It made him ridiculously happy to think that Alec would be still here when he got back from work.

He walked over to the bed and leaned over Alec, his hands pushing into the mattress on either side of Alec’s form.  He pressed a kiss to Alec’s forehead before he pulled away to whisper, “Try not to burn the house down.”

Alec snorted sleepily.  “I’m a firefighter, what do you take me for?”

* * *

 Magnus stepped onto the bus as the doors opened. 

“How’re you doing, Steven?”  Magnus asked as he pawed through his bag looking for his bus pass. 

“Ach, not bad, not bad.  The knee throbs a wee bit with the cold, ye ken.”

Magnus made an absentminded noise of sympathy as he pried his pass from the bottom of his bag.  He had to lean against the compartment behind Steven’s seat as the bus started moving. 

“Ye end up going on a bit of well-earned vacation then?  Ye haven’t been on for a few days now.  Come te think of it, our lad’s been missing as well.  Funny that, ain’t it?”

Magnus looked up and saw Steven’s eyes dancing with mirth in the rear-view mirror as the wrinkles on his cheek settled into what could only be called a smug smile.  He met Magnus’ eyes in the mirror for a flash before looking back at the road. 

“Ah no, no vacation,” Magnus said as he looked for his pass, albeit a little more vehemently than before.  “Alec got hurt on the job so he’s been staying with me for a little bit.”  He finally found his pass lying underneath his hospital pass. 

Steven made a noise in his throat.  “He’s none too bad though?”  

“No, he’s better now,” he said as he reached over to pass his pass over the reader.  “Just a bit banged up.”

“I’m glad he’s got someone te look after him, then.”

Magnus flushed and made a noise of agreement before hastily going to take his seat.

* * *

“Magnus!”

Magnus looked up as a smiling Tessa rushed into the office.  He called out a greeting as he picked up another patient’s chart. 

“It’s so nice to have you back, so nice to see you sitting there again when I get in,” she said as she dropped her bag into a chair and started unwrapping her scarf from around her neck.  “I’m sorry about Camille,” she said in a rush as she hung her scarf and coat, “she just wouldn’t listen.  Somehow she wouldn’t buy that you had the flu.”

Magnus waved away her protests.  “Don’t apologize; it’s a miracle she let me off for as long as she did.  Thanks for covering for me.”

Tessa sat down at her table which faced Magnus’.  “Of course, of course.  It was no trouble.  How’s Alec doing then?”

Magnus looked up to meet Tessa’s soft eyes.

“Better,” Magnus smiled.  “It was a bit tough there with his concussion, but he’s doing really well now.  I don’t know what kind of pain medication Jem gave him but it was like watching a really high Pepe Le Pew crash through my house.”

Tessa laughed.  “So he stayed at your place then?”

Magnus didn’t miss the delicate eyebrow that Tessa raised.  He felt the blush rise to his face and he was sure that Tessa, the psychologist who is trained to pick up on non-verbal signals, could see it as well.  “Well, yeah.  It was just easier like that.”  Magnus found something _extremely_ interesting in the file he was reading.

“Definitely, without a doubt,” Tessa agreed. 

When Magnus glanced up quickly he saw Tessa smiling down at the notes on her table, completely pleased with herself.

* * *

Magnus just finished a consult and was writing some notes into the file when he passed Jem in the hallway. 

“Jem, hey.”

“Magnus,” Jem said with a smile when he looked up from the papers in his hand.  “How’s your day going?”

“Can’t complain.  I haven’t had the good fortune of crossing paths with Camille yet.”

Jem snorted.  “Pretty fantastic day then, huh?”

“Yeah,” Magnus laughed, “I guess I have to agree with your diagnosis.”

Jem’s mouth quirked.  “So Alec’s doing well then I take it?  I ran into Tessa earlier,” Jem explained.

Magnus nodded.  “I think at this point it’s really the ribs that are frustrating him the most.”  Magnus brought his hand to rub at a sore muscle on the back of his neck.  “It’s just hard to see him all black and blue,” Magnus admitted.

Jem reached a hand out and rested it on Magnus’ shoulder.  “It always is when it’s someone you care about.”  He gave his shoulder a small squeeze before letting go.

Magnus felt the heat rise to his face.  At this rate his face was going to be a fire hazard by the end of the day. 

_Good thing I’ve got a firefighter waiting for me at home._

He was hopeless because the thought made him blush even more. 


	28. Light and Love

When Alec said he’d stay, he’d obviously not thought it through.

It was only half past nine and he’d already ate breakfast, washed the bowl and spoon he’d used for the cereal, thumbed through the entire local paper, attempted the crossword at the back until he got stuck on 21 Down, and confidently flipped past the horoscopes on the second-to-last page only to turn back and hurriedly read through the passage next to his zodiac sign.

And it was only half past nine.

In the morning.

With as much of a sigh as his ribs allowed, he chucked the paper onto the table and made his way into the living room.  He grabbed the blanket lying on the back of the couch and carefully settled himself into one corner of the couch while he flicked on the telly.

He flipped past shows about housewives who were yelling at each other and throwing drinks into the other’s face with a highly manicured hand, past homely looking women who were trying to sell a carrot peeler that “ _works on any vegetable, it’s an honest-to-God miracle but the offer is only valid for the next half hour so you better call now folks, especially if you want that cutting board that’s thrown in free of charge, FREE OF CHARGE!”,_ past a talk show that was trying to give away tickets to a concert that no one really wanted to see, past a soap opera where the music was swelling ominously while the two women stared each other down with eyebrows cocked to the point where the tips were almost in their hairline and past a show where a doctor was proclaiming to have found “ _the next best thing_ ” in feminine hygiene. 

_9:30 is way too early for talks about feminine hygiene products._

Alec switched the telly off before the good doctor had the urge to use visual aids.  He watched the now black screen and wondered how many houseplants he’d managed to kill off back at his place.  He had a wager with Isabelle going; she thought that the cactus would be the only surviving plant in his house after three months.  While he silently agreed, a part of him grinned wickedly when they’d shook on it because he knew that if a plant turned to dust there would be a dozen more identical ones waiting in line at the local box store.  What she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt.

_Oh, Isabelle!_

She was his emergency contact at the firehouse and Alec suddenly realised that someone had probably already contacted her.  Knowing her she was chewing her lips raw and her fingers to the nub trying to figure out if she should ditch her classes and fly out. 

Alec sighed as he got up.  She always worried too much about him.  Then again, that was a fairly hypocritical remark for him to think.

He spied Magnus’ landline in the kitchen.  As he thumbed in her number he made a mental note to remember to pay back the long distance charges. 

The phone rang and rang in his ears.  He glanced at his watch.  It was nearing quarter to ten now, maybe she was in class? 

The ring got silenced part way through, just as Alec had settled in to expect the voicemail to pick up.

“Hello?”  Her voice was clear and a part of Alec uncoiled at the familiarity. 

“Hey Izzy.”

“Alec?  Jesus Alec, what the hell happened to you?  I got a call from a Dr. Carstairs from a hospital saying that you’d been injured?  And then when I’d asked to talk to you-“

“Izzy,” Alec tried.

“ – they said that you were sleeping off the effects of the drugs they’d given you so –“

“Izzy,” Alec said, “I’m okay, honest.”

Isabelle was silent on the other end.  He heard the sound of her inhales and exhales cut across the many miles separating them. 

When she spoke again, it was a soft question.  “Are you sure?”

“Cross my heart and hope to pie.”

That pulled a reluctant snort out of Isabelle.  Alec smiled into the phone.

“Smart ass,” she chided.

“Takes one to know one.”

Isabelle huffed.  “Seriously though, what happened?  You’ve had me worried for days now.  I’ve been calling you and it keeps going straight to voicemail.”

Alec remembered that his phone was still in his locker at the firehouse, probably sitting there with an empty battery.  He gave an internal sigh – all his things were at the firehouse, he couldn’t even go home if he wanted to because his keys were also in his locker.

“It’s a bit of a long story and I’m pretty sure Magnus will want to eat his own eyeballs once he sees his phone bill so –“

“Wait,” Isabelle cut in,” you’re at Magnus’?”

Alec could almost see Isabelle’s perfectly raised eyebrow at this scandalous new development.  It made his face burn.

“He stayed with me at the hospital and when I was discharged I was still a little loopy from the drugs so it made the most sense.”

“Uh huh.”  Her voice told him that she was not going to let him work his way out of this with logic. 

“Honestly Izzy,” Alec reprimanded, trying a different tactic altogether, “a minute ago you were worried I was dying a slow and torturous death and now you’re hooked on the fact that I’m staying with a guy?”

Isabelle laughed.  “When was the last time that a guilt trip had worked on me?”

Alec sighed, one that only those with siblings are able to recognize.  “Dunno, but it was worth a shot.  Really though, Magnus is going to go into labour when he sees all the long distance charges on his next bill.”

Isabelle made a sound in the back of her throat.  “He won’t mind.”

She was most likely right but that didn’t mean that Alec wouldn’t feel bad. 

“Right, well listen, I’ll probably be home tomorrow so I’ll give you a call then and I’ll explain it all.”

“You’ll Skype me,” Isabelle corrected.  “I want to see you.”

_Well.  I’ll have to figure out how to use make-up then or Izzy’s going to go ballistic if she sees the bruises around my eyes._

“Sure, sure, I’ll Skype you.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow then Izzy.”

“Ok, thanks for calling me to let me know.  Oh and Alec?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really happy you’re alright.”

* * *

 The morning slowly inched along as Alec tried to find different ways to occupy himself.  It was only once mid day hit and he stumbled upon a channel that was having a Haven marathon that he finally settled in and time started to move regularly.  It was overcast outside and he could hear the slight _ping_ of the ice rain hitting the windows over the sound of the telly.  Magnus’ living room was dark, even with the eerie glow from the television screen.  It was the perfect weather for stretching out on the couch with a warm blanket and a suspenseful show. 

Alec heard the key being turned in the lock just as two of the main characters in the show accidentally switched bodies.  He looked up just as Magnus opened the door and stepped into house.  Magnus muttered something as he put his bag down and sat down on the bench to take his shoes off.

“You okay?” Alec called over the back of the couch.  He watched Magnus place one dripping shoe next to the other on a tray by the bench. 

“The bus broke down four stops back,” he said as he shrugged out of his coat, “and I didn’t want to wait another half hour for the next bus so I walked the rest of the way.”  He hung the coat in the closet and started walking over to the couch.  “Although, I use the word ‘walk’ loosely; it was more like skid the rest of the way home.”

He sat on the arm of the couch and bent down to give Alec a kiss.  When Magnus’ cheek brushed against his, Alec almost jumped. 

“Geez, you’re cold.”  Alec brought a hand up to cup Magnus’ red cheek.  He felt Magnus press back against the warmth of his fingers.  Alec withdrew his hand without warning, drawing a protesting squeak out of Magnus.  Alec ignored it and repositioned himself carefully so that his feet were now resting on the coffee table.  He lifted the extra blankets on one side of him.

“Come on,” he said as he pulled lightly on Magnus’ sleeve, “it’s warmer under here.”

With a devilish smile Magnus slunk down until he was sitting beside Alec.  Alec arranged the blanket to cover Magnus even as he pressed his shoulder against Magnus and looped one arm loosely through Magnus’. 

Alec could almost feel the hum of Magnus’ smile drift through the air.  It was as if they’d made a bubble around themselves and filled it with impossible things like unicorn hair, four leaf clovers and an unconditional emotion.  It forced things like the horrible weather and his aches and pains to cower in a darken corner of the room.  Dark, of course, because they’d somehow impossibly stolen all the light and quite possibly ate it. 

Because that’s how Alec felt at the moment.  Like he’d swallowed the sun whole.  It ironed out the wrinkles of unease and the bumps of tension until he was almost convinced that he was going to start floating off the couch. He knew he’d never need a light bulb, possibly ever again, because he’d swallowed all the light he was ever going to need.

He heard, pretty much felt, as Magnus stumbled on a breath.  He wondered if maybe Magnus could feel it too.  He wondered if Magnus too felt as if anything were possible, as if they could stop time simply with a blink of an eye. 

He wondered if Magnus wanted to stop time and freeze the moment, that particular moment, as much as he did.

Somehow though, he knew that Magnus felt it.  That he felt it all.  Alec wasn’t sure if it was his training as a psychologist but somehow he was always able to pick up on whatever emotion was coursing through Alec’s being even without Alec having to utter a sound.  Whenever Alec asked about it, teasingly suggesting that he’d put a bug in his mind like in one of those crazy spy movies they liked to watch, he always thought it curious that Magnus would tense up but Magnus brushed it aside saying that his face was incapable of hiding his emotions.

If he’d listened a little closer to his curiosity he might have heard the little voice ask how Magnus was able to read what he was feeling when he wasn’t even looking at him.

As it was, the curious little niggle was buried deep in his mind, so deep in fact that even with all the light that was coursing through Alec’s veins, he didn’t see the shadow it cast.

“You know,” Magnus said quietly, not wanting to pop their bubble with the jagged edges of harshly spoken words, “I could get used of coming home to this.”

Alec felt the words filter through his ears and pop one by one into his brain.  They floated at the forefront of his mind, not wanting to fade, and Alec had no qualms with that.  They could tattoo themselves to the inside of his eyelids for all he cared.  The words started to lazily circle the caverns of his mind, caught on a slow breeze of thought.  As they built up speed they swirled around his mind until they funneled deep into his tissue, knocking loose words that once clung desperately to the grooves inside his mind.

“I love you.”

It was a quiet declaration, more of an affirmation than a realization.  He felt lighter now that he’d released them from where he’d kept them trapped for far too long.  There was no anxiety or embarrassment because he’d spoken a simple truth.  No one got embarrassed for saying that fish lived in water.  This was no different.

“I love you too, Alec.”

He felt the words apply themselves as a band-aid to every cut, scrape and tear he’d accumulated along the years.  When his head got too heavy to hold up from all the words that were flying in his mind he gently, wordlessly, rested it along the curve of Magnus’ shoulder.

Alec knew it was time.  He felt it in the marrow of his bones.  He knew he’d have to do this if he truly wanted to move ahead – if _they_ were going to move ahead.

“I want to explain something to you Magnus.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the rustiness of this chapter, it's been a while since I've written anything. Hopefully the next ones will have a little more flair!
> 
> Thanks for reading and have a good one! :)


	29. Speed Bumps and Possibilities

“I want to explain something to you Magnus.”

Magnus felt a puzzling itch travel through him.  He wasn’t exactly sure why there was an elastic band of anxiety being pulled, relaxed, pulled and then relaxed inside Alec, but as Alec lifted his head off of Magnus shoulder and started to straighten out, Magnus felt himself start to mirror the actions.

He couldn’t rationally postulate if the small, almost untouchable undercurrent of fear swimming through him was his own.  As it pinched its way up the cartilage in his throat it felt real enough to be his own.  Then again, Magnus had recently come to realize that it was becoming increasing difficult partitioning where Alec’s emotions ended and where his own began. 

Either way, Alec was sitting beside him, wanting to talk.  _Finally_ wanting to talk.  Albeit, looking like he swallowed a litre of bleach, but that was beside the point.  The fact of the matter was that any second now Alec was going to tell him something big, something _huge_ , something that cost him months of trust. 

And all Magnus could think about was just how _damn_ itchy he felt.  Maybe it was the stress of the build-up to the revelations to come, or maybe it was the fact that he was hiding a significantly lumpy secret of his own.  All this truth-telling was making him want to take the dish sponge and rub the rough half over every inch of his body.

_Just shut up shut up shut up,_ he chided himself.  _Alec hasn’t even uttered a word.  Just calm the flipping hell down and act like a normal human.  It’s not like you’re_ trained _to listen to others talk about themselves,_ he thought sarcastically. 

He couldn’t help it though; he squirmed on the couch like his clothes were made out of a special blend of nylon and mosquito.  Maybe it was all the uncomfortable shifting because Alec looked over and made a sound. 

“Sorry, I just don’t know where to start.”

_You can start by being a dear and running me a piping cold bath full of calamine lotion until I’m as pink as those unicorn dolls you see at the dollar store.  While we’re at it, let’s shove all this truth business into the corner until I can figure out a way to tell you that I can tell what you’re feeling at any moment during the day, just by being near you.  That’s okay with you, right?_

“It’s your story,” Magnus said, much more evenly than he felt, “only you know how it’s meant to be told.”

At that Alec graced Magnus with a soft smile.  Something about it eased some of the tension in Magnus and he felt himself start to calm down.

_If he squeezes his knee anymore than he already is his kneecap is going to go flying into his stomach._  

Magnus pried Alec’s grip loose and his hand gladly volunteered to be a substitute.  Alec looked over and shot him a wordless thank you. 

“I guess this starts back about ten years ago...”

Alec delved right into the thick of things.  He told Magnus how one night, when their parents were out for the night, a fire had started in their kitchen.  How Max had asked for pancakes all throughout dinner and when Alec had refused to make them Max went down to make some for himself when Isabelle and Alec were asleep.  Magnus listened on while Alec told him how he’d tore down into the kitchen when he’d woken up to all the smoke, woken up because he couldn’t breathe.

“They said Max had left a pan with oil on high heat and must have fallen asleep while he waited for the pan to be ready.”  Alec wouldn’t look at him.  He picked at one of the spots on the blanket and left no time for Magnus to say anything. 

Magnus had seen this before in patients who’d suffered a trauma.  They wanted to tell their story fast, before they had enough time to think – before they could get sucked into the details and start feeling the stress and fear all over again.  He didn’t want to analyse Alec like that.  Alec wasn’t his patient.  It was an ingrained habit though after all the years, even if he wanted nothing more than to shut it down right then. 

Meanwhile, Alec forged on.  He told Magnus how he’d found the kitchen engulfed in flames and smoke.  How it had burned his eyes and blistered throat every time he breathed until he couldn’t see, couldn’t breathe and could barely think over the roar of the fire.  He told Magnus how he’d found Max’s body, how he was still breathing, how Alec had never felt such a strong surge of relief in his entire life.  It had completely paralyzed him with a numb, tingling feeling that shot down his legs. 

“There were bottles of cleaning solution and pressurized cans exploding all over the place,” he said.  “The absolute noise of the kitchen, it was unbelievable.  The loudest snap came from above, when the chain snapped on the metal grate that we hung our pots and pans from.  It all just came crashing down.”

Alec was silent for so long that Magnus wasn’t sure if he’d continue.  His restless finger had stopped picking at the polka dot on the blanket and Alec was staring unseeingly at a spot close to his finger.  Magnus could almost feel his veins constrict as Alec’s stress level increased.  He wanted to say something but he was scared that if he opened his mouth something rehearsed would come out – something he’d say to his patients and not his boyfriend.  So he opted on pumping Alec’s hand lightly, hoping that the action would transport Alec back into the present while somehow also conveying that he understood. 

He was placing quite a bit of trust into such a simple action.

Alec seemed to pop out of the place his mind had brought him to and he looked at Magnus for the first time since he’d started talking.

“It was instinct.  I flattened myself onto Max and pressed us into the floor as the grate fell.”  Alec’s blue eyes bore into Magnus’.  “After that, I remember a couple seconds of really intense pain before it all went dark.”  Alec swallowed and took a moment to collect his thoughts.  “Next thing I remember I was waking up in the hospital, my mother sitting mute in a chair by my bed, my father standing stiffly by the door and Izzy crying, kneeling next to my bed.  She just looked at me and said ‘he’s gone.’”

Alec looked down at his lap.  He took a deep breath and let it go slowly.  A hand was tickling the back of Magnus’ eyes while another took a stranglehold of his throat.  Magnus brought a hand up and softly stroked Alec’s hair, his ear, his jaw – anything – until the fingers squeezing his throat started to ease up. 

“The firefighters had come fast, but, even so, by the time they’d arrived Max was gone and I had second and third degree burns to 15% of my body.”  Alec took his hand from Magnus’ grasp and leaned forward on the couch.  With some difficulty and quite a bit of pained breathing Alec lifted his shirt off.  He braced his elbows on his thighs and turned his back to Magnus.

Even though the sight was not new it still took a hold of Magnus.  He reached a hand out and traced over the thick, tight criss-cross of scar tissue that covered Alec’s back.  Alec tensed at the unexpected touch but slowly eased.  Magnus’ fingers followed the shape of the raised scar from one end to the other, almost like passing over a speed bump.  He felt the hardened skin under his fingertips and tried not to imagine how hot something would have to be to cause such a thick burn.  He laid his palm flat on top of the largest scar on Alec’s left shoulder blade.

“I already saw your back,” Magnus admitted in a whisper because a whisper was all the moment allowed. 

Magnus felt the muscle under Alec’s shoulder blade contract.  “When?”

“When I brought you home from the hospital.  I was getting you a shirt and when I turned around you’d already taken yours off.  You had your back to me.”

“Oh.”  After a moment Alec said, “It’s from the heated metal of the pots and pans that came down on me when the grate fell. “

Magnus couldn’t help the way his breath folded in upon itself at the thought.  Alec waited and Magnus knew he was waiting for him to say something.

“Does it hurt?”

Alec shrugged a shoulder.  “Not really.  It doesn’t _hurt_ , it just feels tight.”

Magnus nodded and then felt like an idiot because of course Alec couldn’t see.  Magnus eased his hand away and Alec, with gritted teeth at his throbbing ribs, slid his shirt back on. 

It went without saying but Magnus felt he had to say it anyhow.  “You know, your scars don’t bother me.  Everybody has scars, although some people have more than others and some have them on the inside instead of the outside.”

Alec leaned back so he was sitting beside Magnus.  He stole Magnus’ hand.  “The scars don’t bother me much either.  I’d gladly have them covering every inch of me if it meant that Max would survive.  It’s just a bad reminder of all the ‘what ifs’ that run through my head sometimes.”

Magnus frowned.  “’What ifs?’”

“You know, ‘what if I’d moved Max before I checked to see if he was still alive’, ‘what if I’d woken up a couple minutes earlier’, ‘what if I’d just made those _damned_ pancakes at dinner.’”

Magnus’ heart broke.  “Darling, you’re going to drive yourself crazy if you keep thinking of all the possibilities,” he murmured.

Alec gave a sharp humorless laugh.  “Sometimes I’m half convinced I already have.”

“It was a horrible accident, Alec.  It’s so easy to look back on it now and tear it apart and find all the things you could’ve done, or shouldn’t have done.  In the heat of the moment you did everything you could have possibly done.  You did _everything._ ”

Alec pressed his side against Magnus.  “I know you’re probably right, Izzy tells me the same thing, but there are times when I just can’t see it like that.  All I see are the opportunities and chances I had but didn’t take.”

“I think that’s normal, sweetheart.” 

“He was just so _young._   Kids aren’t supposed to die, they’re supposed to run around outside playing trucks and hide and seek and scrape their knees.  Everything’s supposed to be fixed using Flintstone Band-Aid’s and a kiss on the bump.  Your baby brother isn’t supposed to die.  It’s just not fair.  It’s not supposed to happen like that.”

Magnus felt the hand return to his neck so he pressed his shoulder into Alec’s and returned the pressure.  “It’s not fair,” Magnus echoed, agreeing. 

The minutes passed and they sat there, pressing their sides against each other on the sofa.  Magnus wanted to wave his hand and make everything all better for Alec but he knew he couldn’t.  That didn’t stop him from wanting though and hoping that he’ll be there in the future.  He felt like another piece of the puzzle had finally fit and Alec was slowly starting to take shape.  He thought back to the undercurrent of sadness and guilt he felt from Alec and now it all made sense. 

Alec lifted their joined hands and let them drop back down again.  “I truly am sorry about what happened the other day.  You didn’t deserve me yelling at you.  I should have sat you down like this and told you about Max, instead of shouting and breaking things.”

“It’s okay.  The glass was chipped anyways.”

Alec gave a small smile.  “Liar.”

“Maybe it wasn’t, but I was looking for a good excuse to buy this set I’ve had my eye on.”

When Alec looked up at him, with his smile spreading to reach his eyes, Magnus only hoped that they’d both still be smiling when Magnus came clean about his own hidden truths.      

     

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I haven't forgotten about watermelons. For the reader who kindly reminded me to wake up and finally explain Alec's watermelon fixation I promise, I haven't forgotten! I thought I'd be able to squeeze it into this chapter but it just didn't flow. It's going to happen though! 
> 
> Secondly, I was listening to "Ghosts that we Knew" by Mumford and Sons on repeat while writing this chapter so a big thank you goes out to them!


	30. Steam and Ice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all those who've actually kept following this story even though the updates come insanely late: thank you and y'all deserve a huge box of cookies. If only I could make that happen...  
> :)

It became monstrously clear to them that unless they wanted to eat cereal for dinner, they were going to have to do something about their food situation.  They stood in the kitchen, looking at each other and wondering what to do next.  It was only when Magnus opened the fridge for the fourth time and looked at Alec with hopeful eyes that Alec finally burst out laughing.

“You’re adorable and I love you, but _oh hell no_.”  He cradled his side as he peered at Magnus through his mega-watt smile.  “The only thing I could make out of all that nothing is a mayo and pickle sandwich.”  Alec raised his eyebrows.  “You can’t be _that_ hungry.”

So, in the end, they thought about it and it was decided.  They’d go pick up his house keys from his locker at the firehouse and go back to Alec’s place for dinner. 

“My things are going to go bad anyway,” Alec pointed out when Magnus started to waver.  “Plus trust me, even when my fridge is empty, it’s never only-pickles-mayo-outdated ketchup- and-backing-soda empty.”

Magnus made a squinty face at him but found he really couldn’t argue with the man.

* * *

“Alec!”

Bat quickly put down the saw he’d been oiling and walked over to them, wiping his hands on a dirty rag he snagged along the way. 

“It’s nice to see you up and about again.”  Bat thumped him on the back and Alec tried not to wince.  “Oi, guys!  Alec’s here,” Bat yelled over his shoulder.

Bat turned to Magnus.  “It’s nice to see you again, Magnus, under much better circumstances too.” 

“Same here,” Magnus grinned.  Bat thumped him across the back as the other firefighters came out of the common room.  Magnus shared a look with Alec at all the back thumping, but Alec only gave a slight shrug, trying to keep his laughter back. 

The other firefighters made their way out into the garage, surrounding the both of them with shoulder bumps, elbow nudges and wide grins. 

“Did you finally drag your lazy ass back to work?  Took you long enough,” Micah winked.  Alec almost blushed from all the attention.

“Where have you been?  A bunch of us went by your house yesterday and no one was home,” said Maia.

A sudden pressure in Magnus’ chest caught him off guard.  He swallowed, thinking it was heartburn but quickly discovered that it wasn’t coming from him.  When he turned to look at Alec he saw Alec’s pulse flutter at the base of his throat. 

“Magnus actually strong-armed me into staying with him.”

Magnus jumped in because Alec was starting to look like a dancing worm on the end of a very sharp hook.

“I wasn’t going to pass up free cat-sitting.  You don’t know how hard it is to find a sitter that’s willing to put up with a cat that won’t let you change the channel from _The Bold and the Beautiful._ There’s only so many hours worth of dramatic stares a person can sanely watch.”  Magnus laughed along with the others.  He noticed that Alec stayed strangely silent.

“Seeing as how you’re my boyfriend, I would hope it was a little more than that, no matter how well your cat and I get along.”

The shock of the surprise made Magnus falter.  When he looked at Alec he thought Alec’s ears were going to melt off.  He took in wide-eyed, strong-jawed, red-faced Alec and diagnosed the pressure in his chest for what it really was.

Anticipation.

He swallowed down the marble that Alec was unknowingly trying to force up his throat and corralled his brain into putting together something to say.  It was the surprise that had rendered him mute.  His thoughts took flight and collided within the confines of his mind but they were all travelling so fast he wasn’t able to catch one.

“What the actual hell, Alec?”  It was Micah.

Magnus’ thoughts froze and dropped to the ground.  He scrambled to find the one he wanted to line up and use when Micah finished.  There was ice in his veins and not for the first time Magnus wished that his ability went both ways – that he’d be able to press an emotion into Alec and steal away the fear.  A part of him registered that Jace had sidled closer to Alec. 

Micah turned to Alec in outright indignation.  “How can you stand that?  My grandmother made me watch that with her when I was young.”  Micah shook his head.  “I spent half the episode with my face in a pillow because they were either making out or killing each other.”

“I don’t know how it’s been going on for as long as it has.  They kill off all their characters, how have they not run out by now?” Maia added.

The marble broke up into small enough pieces for Magnus to swallow.  The ice melted and he was left with a very large puddle to mop up and the lingering shiver of what could have been.  As the firefighters argued over the talent of various soap opera actors and actresses he locked eyes with Alec and finally let go of the breath he hadn’t known he was holding.

* * *

“I will never look at cabbage the same way again,” Magnus declared, leaning back from his empty plate.

Alec smiled as he forked the last bit of cabbage roll into his mouth.  “Cabbage just gets a bad name.  Same with olives, brussel sprouts and anchovies.”

“Mmmh.” 

Magnus wasn’t really paying attention.  He was too busy languishing in the food-coma that Alec had put him in.  It was the first time in almost half a week that he felt himself take all his weight off his feet and lean back into the chair, not ready to spring up at a moment’s notice.  There was a warmth being chased through him and he wondered if maybe this was how Chairman felt when he stretched out on the carpet in a solid patch of sunlight; like he’d accidentally swallowed a candle and it was slowly heating him from the inside out. 

He was full, he was happy and he was sitting next to someone that made him feel like he’d stepped into a clearing full of multicolored butterflies: a bit breathless and a lot awed and scared to breathe lest they fly away.  He’d been lost for so long, walking down roads with broken lamp posts, boarded-up houses and smashed mailboxes only to somehow stumble upon this road, lined with everything he’d never hoped to imagine and now he knew he could never go back to those dimly-lit streets again.

When Alec stood up and started to gather the plates Magnus reached over and gently touched his wrist. 

“Leave it,” Magnus murmured.  “Just for a couple more minutes.”

Alec looked at Magnus in amusement but he sat down, with Magnus’ fingers still tracing along Alec’s wrists.  He moved a little closer to Magnus, a trace of a smile still playing upon his lips as his eyes snagged and stayed on the area where Magnus was touching his wrist. Magnus felt Alec’s heartbeat reach up and touch his fingertips, checking about once a second to make sure that he was still there.  The fading light slanted through the window and teased along the planes of Alec’s face and danced through his hair until it shone almost indigo.  Something in Magnus’ stomach coiled and burned hot and Alec looked up and refused to look away.  Magnus almost wish he would because he could only imagine the look on his face.  He could feel the blood burn a path to his ears.

When Alec started to slowly lean towards him Magnus felt himself being pulled towards Alec like a magnet – like he had no choice because it was completely natural and instinctual but that was okay with him.  When he felt Alec’s mouth close around his it didn’t matter what he was thinking in that moment, and Lord he hoped it wasn’t anything terribly important, because he wasn’t going to remember it anyway.  It was Alec’s fingers carding though his hair and massaging along his scalp that made him push his lips a little harder against Alec, careful not to brush his nose.  It was the way that Alec bit teasingly against his bottom lip that made Magnus exhale in surprise, his pulse thudding in his temples when Alec’s tongue smoothed along the place he’d just bit. 

Magnus’ hands sought out the warm skin on the back of Alec’s neck and wandered down to rest lightly on Alec’s chest as the kiss dissolved into something wet and hungry. Magnus gasped when Alec’s cold hand found its way under Magnus’ shirt and started trailing up and down his spine. 

“Jesus, your hands are like ice,” Magnus said against Alec’s lips.  “Warn a man next time.”

Alec made a noise. “Sure,” he said between kisses, “I’ll just stop next time – we’ll put the kettle on – and have a nice, warm cup of tea – so I can warm my hands.”

Magnus groaned against Alec’s mouth. “No kettle talk, it makes me think of my grandmother.” He felt Alec snigger as he placed a kiss along Magnus’ jaw and his lips trailed from there.  When Alec’s hands snuck towards the edge of his pants he felt his blood boil over.  He pulled back and held Alec’s hands still against his back.

“Love, aren’t you too sore for this?”

He looked into Alec’s flushed face and saw the desire run deep in his eyes, but he didn’t miss the throb of pain buried at the back of his mind as Alec breathed heavily. 

After a moment he leaned into Alec and pressed a long kiss to Alec’s shoulder. 

“We’ve got all the time in the world,” he whispered, “we don’t need to rush, darling.”

Alec’s fingers brushed through Magnus’ hair as he rested his forehead against Alec’s shoulder and tried to get control over his breathing again.  Magnus closed his eyes and squeezed them tight.  It was time; he could feel it in the marrow of his bones.  He couldn’t let it go unspoken anymore, it would turn into deception on his part.  He let out a large breath and it bounced back against his face.

“Alec, I have to tell you something.”

He leaned back to be able to look Alec in the face.  Alec was confused at the sudden change in Magnus’ voice. 

“Okay?”

Magnus swallowed. “I don’t really know where to start,” he said truthfully.  “I don’t tell people about this so I don’t have a ton of practice with this.” Magnus smiled ruefully, his heartbeat thumping all over his body for a very different reason than a moment ago.

Alec’s hand reached out and rested on Magnus’ arm.  “It’s okay, just take a breath and go from there.” The look of encouragement he sent Magnus made him want to just shut up change the subject and run far, far away from anything that might change the way Alec was going to look at him.

But it was too late for that now and he’d put it off much too long. 

“What I’m about to tell you is a bit hard to believe but I want you to try, okay?”

Alec nodded.

“When my parents died I was very confused.  I didn’t know why they weren’t coming home and why everyone who came to visit me in the hospital after the car accident kept turning all teary-eyed when they talked with me.  Every time someone would visit I felt such a deep sadness but I didn’t know why.  Nobody had told me that my parents had died yet.  But whenever someone came in, I’d feel sadness and anger and pity and when they left all the feelings went away. I was so confused.

A few days after, they told me.  When my grandmother and I went to my parents’ funeral I remember sitting there and not being able to hear what the priest was saying because I couldn’t breathe.  I was lost without my parents, I was waiting for the doors to open and my mum and dad to come walking down the aisle, take my hand and take me out of there.  I felt like all these emotions were being poured into me.  It was more than anything I’d ever felt before; it was too much.  It was like my sadness had magnified one hundred times, without my permission.

I didn’t know what was going on with me.  My grandmother took one look at me and pulled me out of the church.  We sat on the steps, the cold wind pulling at my black pants until I felt like I could walk straight.”

Magnus swallowed thickly, trying to prolong the moment before he has to lay all his cards on the table.  He felt his thoughts wind up, like they were elastics and someone had taken a hold on both ends and just started twisting.  It was hard enough trying to find the right word without Alec’s confusion muddling inside his mind.

“The day of the funeral was when I realized that I could feel what other people were thinking.  Not their thoughts exactly, but their emotions.”

Alec waited for Magnus to keep going before he realized that he was done.  Alec frowned slightly.  “Magnus, you’re a psychiatrist.  You’re trained in non-verbal communication, you’re a master at deciphering body language.  I can see why you would be good at figuring out what someone is feeling and then empathizing with them too because that’s what kind people do.”  Alec thumb smoothed against Magnus’ arm as he continued more softly. “There’s nothing wrong with that, sweetheart.”

_If only it were that simple…_

Magnus shook his head.  “It’s more than that.  I can _feel_ what people are feeling, _exactly_ what they’re feeling, without even talking to them.”

“You’ve had training to do that.  You’ve been trained in deciphering body language for years, you’re just good at what you do.”

“I don’t analyze everyone I pass, I can’t humanly be able to do that.”

“You must do it without even noticing that you’re doing it,” Alec countered.  “I don’t understand why this is such a big deal, Magnus.  This isn’t something that you have to hide, definitely not from me.  You shouldn’t be embarrassed or ashamed that you’re good at your job.” He gave Magnus’ arm a reassuring squeeze.

_He really doesn’t get it._

“Alec, you don’t understand.  I can walk into a room, close my eyes, and know what everyone is feeling.  I may not be able to tell you which feeling belongs to which person, but I feel all the feelings of every single person in that room.  It’s like each person is pressing a feeling into me.  I don’t see the name of the emotion spelled out in my mind, I _feel_ the sensations associated with that emotion.” Magnus’s gaze didn’t waver from Alec’s, trying to force Alec to understand.  “I feel what the other person feels.”

Alec pulled his hand back and let it rest forgotten in his lap.  “That’s not possible,” he said slowly.

“I know it’s not,” Magnus agreed, “but somehow it happens to me everyday.”

“Magnus, you can’t just _feel_ everything that other people feel, it’s just not possible,” he repeated.

“Alec, I know it’s a lot to take in.  I’ve never told anyone except for my grandmother and with my grandmother it was different because we had to figure it out together.  I wanted to tell you sooner but the right time just never came up.  And then you got hurt.” Magnus took a breath. “I want to tell you because I don’t want there to be anymore secrets between us.”

Alec was shaking his head.  “I don’t understand.”

“I know,” Magnus hurried to say, “but I’ll tell you anything you want to know.  Just ask me.”

Alec leaned away from Magnus and back in his chair.  Magnus felt the edges of his heart fold along creases he never knew even existed and the pressure in his heart built up so much that he thought that even the expansion of his lungs would cause it to burst.  Magnus’ looked questioningly at Alec and he felt his stomach clench when he saw the hurt in Alec’s eyes. 

“Why are you doing this?” Alec whispered.  “Why are you doing this now?”  Alec closed his eyes.  “I don’t understand any of this.  Why are you making up stories?  I thought everything was going well between us.” He opened his eyes and kept going before Magnus could jump in.  “If you wanted to get out you didn’t have to make up some story, you could have just told me you weren’t happy anymore.”

“But Alec I am happy,” Magnus urged.  He went to take Alec’s hand but Alec slipped his hands underneath his legs.  Magnus leaned back slowly and he knew that this time he was the one who was scared of what was to come.  

“I don’t need another magician,” Alec said wearily.  He sounded more tired than when Magnus had taken him home from the hospital.

“Magician?  Alec I don’t know what you mean.”

“You.  I mean you,” Alec snapped.  He got up from his chair and gripped the wooden frame of the chair’s backrest until his knuckles stood out.  “I don’t need you to come into my life, spin your tales and wave your hands to create illusions.  I don’t want to be dragged into whatever trick you’re trying to pull because I don’t know what you’re trying to do by trying to convince me that you can somehow feel every person’s emotions.  I thought you were different.  I thought you were a big enough person to break up with me like a _normal_ person, instead of inventing some story and making me do it for you.  Why would you lead me on all this time?  Why didn’t you just tell me?”

Magnus shook his head frantically. He stood up and stepped towards Alec but Alec stepped back.  “I need you to understand.  Please,” Magnus pleaded.

Alec looked away from him.  “I think you should go.”

The breath escaped him like Alec had slapped him across the face.  “You think it was easy for me?” Magnus asked when he regained his voice.  “You think I don’t know how insane this sounds?  I could have just not told you and left you blissfully unaware but I figured if anyone was going to understand, it was going to be you.  I didn’t want to keep something so important from someone so important to me.”  He softened his voice.  “I know you’re confused and hurt but –“

“Right because you just _read my mind_ ,” Alec interrupted harshly, flapping his hands sarcastically in the air.

Magnus recoiled from Alec’s tone. 

“I want you to go,” and there was no hesitancy in his voice this time. 

Magnus took in Alec’s stiff stance and the way he wouldn’t even look at him. There was no swaying his mind.  He grabbed his jacket off the back of the chair, turned and walked out the door without a backwards glance. 

The sound of the slamming door was their parting word.

 

 

 


	31. Apples and Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Okay, so this chapter's a little different. It's first person from Magnus' POV. It's just a short one about how he feels after leaving Alec's. I hope you enjoy it. :)
> 
> Also, you guys were especially awesome last chapter! I don't think I've ever gotten that much feedback for one chapter so thank you! ^.^

I drowned myself in memories of yesterday.

I tilt the bottle and pour out your crooked smile and your knobby knees until they overrun the glass, until I could see your smile mocking me from the scratched wooden floor.   

Because how come you can’t see how the stars shiver in the sky?  They sweat glitter that falls down like snow and when I stick my tongue out I can feel the light as it burns through my body.  I think you must be a little fallen star that somehow grew into a man because every time your fingers brush across mine I feel like I’ve tasted lightning. 

Somehow it doesn’t matter that the sink has been leaking for six months now or that the only things in my fridge are a squishy cucumber, half a dozen unboiled eggs and a small chunk of cheese that is possibly growing some life-altering, medical miracle of a fungus. Our love is a tangible thing that buried deep within our cells and the seeds, carried by the current of our blood, grew roots in the soil of our heart and rose into a healthy tree.

Whenever we were hungry we reached up and picked an apple.

Whenever we were hot we’d sit in the shade we’d created.

When we grew tired we rested against the trunk and watched the bark mold and make room for the contours of our enjoined hands.  We whispered things to each other that made the leaves blush.

One morning I woke up and all the beautiful leaves littered the bottom of my heart.  All the apples rolled within my chambers.  It was when I bent down and picked up an apple did I see the hole.  I threw it as hard as I could and frantically picked up another one, then another and another.

All the apples had holes. 

I could feel the holes and I felt like I was missing an organ, a crucial one needed to survive.  And that’s where you found me; sitting below our naked tree, blanketed in our fallen leaves and refusing to look at the fruit around my feet.

When you sat down beside me I was too ashamed to show you the apples – once so perfect now marred.  But you were always good at drawing things out of me – laughter, sadness, sighs.  You picked up an apple and looked at me, but I couldn’t press together enough courage to look the future in the eye. 

You finally got sick of the fact that I could never make your coffee right.  That when Friday night rolled around I’d rather we stay at home in pyjamas together on the couch watching something instead of dressing up and going to meet our friends in a pub. The way I hum when I’m thinking.  The way all our pens have chewed up caps.

So when you pick up a yellow apple and roll it between your hands, I don’t look at you.  I look at my feet.

When you cradle the apple in the palm of your hand and gently wipe away a smudge of dirt, as if you were brushing away an eyelash, I don’t look at you.  I look at my knees.

When you pull out your pocket knife I watch in morbid fascination as you perform the autopsy.  I watch as you slice in the flesh with sure hands, and you circle around the apple with the blood running down your fingers making them sticky.  

I watch as the apple splits into two halves, its organs splayed for us both to see.  And there it is.  The worm sits in a tunnel of its own making, buried deep within the white flesh. 

And I’m so mad that I want to rip it out from its cocoon and flatten it under the heel of my shoe.  But when I finally look at you, I see that you’re smiling.  And when you look up and meet my confused face your smile grows even wider as you say,

“Don’t you know?  A worm will never eat a poisonous apple.”  

I think of that dream. 

I think of the way your blue eyes were the softest shade when you looked at me sitting below the tree.  I think of the way your black hair fell into your eyes as you ducked your head to catch my eye. I think of the way your mouth blew hot air into the words before you set them afloat, each word rising in front of me like tiny, multi-coloured hot air balloons.  I think of the scars of your past written across the canvas of your back.  You don’t know it but sometimes when we watch the telly and you fall asleep leant up against me I can feel the marks through your thin shirt and I wish they could press an indentation into my skin so that we could fit together just right.  I think of your knees.

Your stupid knobby knees.

I think of this as I sit in my kitchen – alone – staring at the bowl of perfect, gleaming apples on the counter.    


	32. Fire and Memories

When he heard the door slam all the energy fled his being and he found himself sitting in his chair, not of his own accord, but due to necessity.  He stared after the shadow of where Magnus once stood –tall and broken - and his head spun.

His thoughts beat each other black and blue fighting for dominance but he couldn’t settle on just one so he stared at the door, silently begging it to open – willing to see Magnus’ face and somehow know it would all be alright come the rise of the next sun.

The heat of his anger threatened to burn the wish to ash but Alec frantically stomped on the flames until the rubber on the soles of his shoe started to melt.

The fire screamed at him, asking him what kind of man he was if he wished to pardon the lies of one he’d let make his bed in his heart.  It whispered to him with sparks rolling off its tongue, that he was a fool for wanting to rip open the door and run after Magnus.  The voice rose within his body and threatened to burn away the happy memories.

Alec held his breath, not willing to give the fire any more fuel.  A small part of him pressed into him that the memories might be all he’s left with come the light of day.

Memories of the day when he and Magnus had gotten caught in the rain when they were walking in a park close to Alec’s house.  How when it really started to pour he looked over at Magnus – his hair plastered to his face, beads of rain dripping off his collar, his golden eyes crinkling in the corners – and he somehow knew that it was a moment he was never going to forget, mundane as it was.

Or the memory of Magnus’ fingertips tracing the scars along his back, the look in his eyes so soft that it made Alec swallow against a prickle in his throat.  He didn’t know if it was a fabrication of his imagination or if it was true but even with the limited amount of sensory nerve endings on his back he was convinced that he could feel every path that Magnus’ fingers took, as if they were restoring something.

The memory of waking up in the morning, a fraction of a moment before Magnus and just watching the steady beat of his pulse as he slept.

The time when Alec slipped on ice and instinctively grabbed a fistful of Magnus coat and the both of them ended up on the cold pavement, laughing so hard they couldn’t get their legs under them for minutes.

The dream that felt more like a memory than anything else, about wildflowers and a grandmother and loneliness.

The gentle touches on his arm, his chest, the small of his back.

The absentminded reach to brush his hair away from his forehead.

The steady hand and the solid man that never wavered even when he yelled, or confessed or cried.  The same man that bandaged the cuts made so long ago to his soul and rubbed a balm over the scars that they had left. 

All his righteous anger fled and ran towards the rays of the setting sun and he found himself unquestionably alone.  Alec’s breath came staggeringly as a part inside him pulled at him and whispered brokenly that maybe he’d made a mistake.

Because he’d known Magnus long enough, too long for him to childishly continue jumping back anytime he saw a crack in the sidewalk.  Magnus had a lion’s heart – full of golden light and true until its last beat. 

He remembered the look in Magnus’ eyes when he told him about his secret, he remembered the guarded fear and it made him feel a stab of guilt.  Whatever Magnus was saying, it was true enough that he was scared to tell Alec. He winced when he remembered that look that passed over Magnus’ face when Alec yelled at him to leave.

With his mind made up, Alec got up and hurried towards his closet.  He slipped into his boots, hastily pushing his laces inside his boot.  He shrugged on his coat, grabbed his house keys and he was out the door, hurrying to button his coat as the winter wind crawled its way inside.

He shoved his hands into his pockets, his one hand nervously clutching his keys, as he made his way to the bus stop.  It was almost completely dark outside and the streetlights were slowly starting to come on one by one.  He tucked his chin deep into the collar of his coat as a particularly violent gust of wind tore through and he thought that he should have probably grabbed his hat on the way out.

When he got to the bus stop his nose was already dripping and his ears were burning as he ran his finger down the list of bus stop times.  His finger paused at the last time. 

“Shit!”

The last bus for the night had gone by 15 minutes ago.  Alec turned and looked around, searching for a solution.  He could call a cab but he didn’t bring his wallet with him and he didn’t want to go back now.  There was something in him that was winding him up, urging him to move, to go, to do something.  He couldn’t just stand there to wait for the cab anyway.

So he flipped his collar up and dug his hands deeper into his pockets and turned away from the bus stop.

* * *

Magnus sat watching the news. 

He tried to focus on the newscaster who was talking about the food banks in the city running dangerously low right before the holidays.  He tried to pay attention to the food bank volunteer urging the public to give generously to help their fellow man.  He tried, he really did, but his attention waned.  His mind kept rerouting. 

_Maybe I could have told him better?  Maybe I could have said it differently?  Maybe if I hadn’t waited so long to tell him?_

His mind tied itself in knots trying on all possibilities only to discard it and pick up another.  He didn’t know what he could’ve said to make it better but there must have been another way – a way which didn’t result with him coming home alone.

A cowardly part of him wished he could turn back time and not tell Alec about his abilities. Everything was going so well before it all flipped upon itself so fast that it left his head spinning.  He wasn’t ready for his life to implode.

The newscaster was reporting the scores of the recent football match when Magnus shut the tv off.  He went to the kitchen and shut the light off there too and went to his room.  All he wanted to do was put on his pyjamas and crawl underneath his comforter.  Maybe tomorrow he’d wake up and realize it was all a dream.

He shucked off his clothes and put on his sleep sweater and his flannel pyjama pants.  A pang of pain went through him when he saw the pyjamas that Alec had used on the other side of the bed.  He lifted the comforter and laid down, turning away from Alec’s pyjamas.  He shivered at the coolness of the sheets and his knees came up to his chest seeking warmth. 

Resigned, he reached behind him and his wandering hand grabbed the t-shirt that Alec had used as his pyjama.  He hugged it to his chest, in the safe cocoon that his knees made, and he pressed his face into it.  His eyes watered when he found that he could smell Alec, just slightly but there nonetheless.

He startled when he heard the doorbell. 

“Go away,” Magnus whispered into the t-shirt. 

The doorbell rang again and this time he heard knocking. 

Cursing and groaning, Magnus threw back the covers and left Alec’s shirt on his pillow.  He turned the light on as he went down the hall and his eyes automatically squinted from the brightness.  His doorbell sounded again and again a few seconds later.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” he muttered.

He flicked on the outside light and flipped the lock on the door.  He opened the door and found Alec on his doorstep.

“Please,” Alec said, “before you close the door just listen.”

Alec swallowed and looked at Magnus, waiting for a reaction, but Magnus was too surprised to find words.

“I don’t understand,” Alec said.  “I’m completely confused and at a loss because what you said just doesn’t make any sense to me.  But I am sorry.  I am so sorry for how I reacted, Magnus.  I could see that for you it is real and that it took a lot out of you to tell me.

I trust you, Magnus.  I trust you wholly and I shouldn’t have doubted that.  You have to understand, I don’t trust people easily. I wasn’t always like this, but there have been things along the way that have made me weary from getting close to people.”

Magnus was vaguely aware that the door was wide open and he could feel all the cold air seeping past him.  He didn’t really care.  Alec was looking at him with earnest eyes and Magnus could feel all the emotions coursing through Alec: the confusion, the guilt, the hope.

“You’re better than that,” Alec continued, “and I shouldn’t have grouped you in with the likes of Ben. You don’t deserve that, you deserve so, so much better, but somehow you saw this damaged man on the bus,” he smiled self-deprecatingly, “and you showed him how to see the world in color again.  You saw his flaws and faults and scars and you loved him even still.”  The corners of Alec’s mouth trembled as he tried to keep his composure.

“When I moved I told myself that I didn’t need anybody, that I was happy on my own.  But you,” he laughed, “you wheedled your way into my life and patched up a hole I didn’t even know I had.  I don’t want to imagine my life without you in it so please, forgive me.”

“But you still don’t believe that I can feel other people’s emotions?” Magnus eyed Alec not knowing what else to say.

“Honestly, the whole thing is a lot to take in.  It doesn’t seem possible but Magnus, if you’re telling me that you can do it then I believe you.  It will take a little while for me to get used of it but together we can figure it out.”  Alec smiled hesitantly at Magnus.  “Can you tell what I’m feeling right now?”

“You’re feeling a lot of things right now, Alec.”  There were so many emotions running wild within Alec’s frame and he wondered if Alec wanted him to start listing them all.

Alec closed his eyes.  “What about now?” he asked after a moment.

Magnus felt one of the emotions spring free and spin around in his stomach lighting up every surface it touched with warmth until Magnus was half convinced that he’d drunk half a bottle of red wine.   It was the same heady sensation.

“Love,” Magnus whispered.

Alec opened his eyes and smiled, nodding slowly. 

Magnus felt himself liberated from a weight he’d been carrying around for far too long.  He knew it was going to take some time before Alec was completely comfortable with his ability, but he knew about it now and that was what mattered.  Deep within him he knew that whatever obstacles this strange world decided to throw at them they would be able to manage, together.  He wanted to tell Alec so many things – about his parents, his grandmother, the depression he’d gone through when he was younger, the school teacher that used to eat lunch with him and split a cookie with him whenever he got bullied – but he knew that there were many years ahead of them.  All they had was time.

So, Magnus reached a hand out and cupped it against Alec’s ear.

“Come on in darling,” Magnus smiled and said softly, “I’ll put the kettle on.”

   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the next chapter will be the last. It might be an epilogue or it might not. I dunno, I have an idea but I haven't really worked it out yet.  
> Thank you so much for reading. It's been a bumpy ride but we're almost at the end. :)
> 
> I hope you all have a great week!


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